Family rift - rethinking immediate family size

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have realized that we aren't super close to his family or my family (other than my sister) and it has made us rethink our immediate family size. We currently have 3 kids who are 6 and under. We are debating about possibly having a 4th. We have realized that in the future what matters is our family unit and we have always wanted a large family. Would you have another or not? We are both 38 years old.

More kids me less time and resources for each kid and more potential conflict. Also at 38, you will be putting a lot of kids through college in your old age, 60's which is a tough time. Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

The landfills don't need another 3 years of dirty diapers, broken toys and car seats and at 38 you don't need another kid to add to your large family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I reading this correctly? You want more children to take the place of adult family members who have grown distant?

OP here - NO! Absolutely not. We just realized that our immediate family unit is what is most important and in the future it will be us and our kids who we will be with for vacations and celebrations and day to day life. Not our parents or siblings. And we are debating if adding to our family would add more joy. It is not to replace an adult family member.

My husband and I have come to this realization with our family too, but we are content with only 2 kids. I don’t know, this feels like a lot of pressure on this potential fourth kid to make your family feel complete, whatever that means.

[Anonymous]

I get it. We are close to our parents, but only had one sibling each. Our siblings never married or had kids. Holidays are pretty boring and really low key. Nothing like the loud, raucous holidays I had as a child with 15 cousins (dh had the same!), tons of aunts and uncles and a full house. We miss larger holiday gatherings. It was a huge reason we had a 3rd child. I'd never demand grandkids or anything like that, but I'm hoping that out of 3 kids we will get grandkids.

Currently our house is so full and fun on holidays. Screaming kids on Christmas morning and we invite grandparents to enjoy. Still wish our kids had cousins, but we have a lot of close friends and we've tried to help that with giving them siblings. We're debating going for #4 too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. We are close to our parents, but only had one sibling each. Our siblings never married or had kids. Holidays are pretty boring and really low key. Nothing like the loud, raucous holidays I had as a child with 15 cousins (dh had the same!), tons of aunts and uncles and a full house. We miss larger holiday gatherings. It was a huge reason we had a 3rd child. I'd never demand grandkids or anything like that, but I'm hoping that out of 3 kids we will get grandkids.

Currently our house is so full and fun on holidays. Screaming kids on Christmas morning and we invite grandparents to enjoy. Still wish our kids had cousins, but we have a lot of close friends and we've tried to help that with giving them siblings. We're debating going for #4 too.

OP here - This exactly! This is what I was trying to convey. Thanks PP.

[Anonymous]

I would hesitate because the kids need more as they get older. My kids are 8, 6, and 3, and they do one activity a season. It's already hard to get them where they need to go when one has swim practice, one has a soccer game, and the 3 yo needs to sleep. Adding in a another practice/game/rehearsal would be hard.

If you SAH or plan to hire a driver, YMMV. But don't just imagine adding a baby/toddler because they are pretty portable. Imagine adding another older elem kid who wants to do soccer with all her friends but you already said yes to her brother's basketball team that meets on that night. That kind of thing is tough to navigate because you can't be in two places at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I reading this correctly? You want more children to take the place of adult family members who have grown distant?

OP here - NO! Absolutely not. We just realized that our immediate family unit is what is most important and in the future it will be us and our kids who we will be with for vacations and celebrations and day to day life. Not our parents or siblings. And we are debating if adding to our family would add more joy. It is not to replace an adult family member.

NP. Sorry, but is sounds like you're actually agreeing with PP. You are saying your extended family is not going to be with you for vacations, celebrations, and day to day life, so you'd like to add another child so those occasions can have more people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I reading this correctly? You want more children to take the place of adult family members who have grown distant?

OP here - NO! Absolutely not. We just realized that our immediate family unit is what is most important and in the future it will be us and our kids who we will be with for vacations and celebrations and day to day life. Not our parents or siblings. And we are debating if adding to our family would add more joy. It is not to replace an adult family member.

NP. Sorry, but is sounds like you're actually agreeing with PP. You are saying your extended family is not going to be with you for vacations, celebrations, and day to day life, so you'd like to add another child so those occasions can have more people.

Haha you’re literally debating what the OP means on a post she wrote. Only DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand what your title has to do with considering a 4th child. I don’t think bringing another child into your family should have anything to do with your relationship with your parents or your ILs.

And it certainly shouldn’t have anything to do with your parents’ politics. That fourth kid could end up a Fox News lover themselves. If your kids are all under 6, you have not yet reached the point where you realize that you have little control over who they become.

+1. I mean, maybe you should have five kids, just in case the fourth is a political apostate and you have to cut them out of your life.

People need to find some hobbies and different ways to relate to people in this world other than politics. My MIL struggled with this for a long time and recently admitted that she felt like she somehow failed as a parent because her son does not hold the same religious and political views. We had years of fraught visits where she would grill my husband and me for our views on things so she can understand where she went wrong. Once we had kids, she pretty quickly figured out that less politics = longer visits = better visits.

[Anonymous]

How much 1-1 attention do you give each child now? Kids needs their parents time, love and attention. Its very hard to do that with 4 kids. Plus, can you at least afford to pay for a 4 year state college for each?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand what your title has to do with considering a 4th child. I don’t think bringing another child into your family should have anything to do with your relationship with your parents or your ILs.

And it certainly shouldn’t have anything to do with your parents’ politics. That fourth kid could end up a Fox News lover themselves. If your kids are all under 6, you have not yet reached the point where you realize that you have little control over who they become.

+1. I mean, maybe you should have five kids, just in case the fourth is a political apostate and you have to cut them out of your life.

People need to find some hobbies and different ways to relate to people in this world other than politics. My MIL struggled with this for a long time and recently admitted that she felt like she somehow failed as a parent because her son does not hold the same religious and political views. We had years of fraught visits where she would grill my husband and me for our views on things so she can understand where she went wrong. Once we had kids, she pretty quickly figured out that less politics = longer visits = better visits.

OP here - I have held my tongue for a long time over my father's Fox News watching BS but he has decided that he is going to be selfish and refuses to vaccinate himself rather than see his grandchildren. To me that shows us where we stand in his life. Protect your grandchildren when they cannot get vaccinated themselves or put them at risk.

[Anonymous]

Why are you crowd sourcing this? If you want more children, have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand what your title has to do with considering a 4th child. I don’t think bringing another child into your family should have anything to do with your relationship with your parents or your ILs.

And it certainly shouldn’t have anything to do with your parents’ politics. That fourth kid could end up a Fox News lover themselves. If your kids are all under 6, you have not yet reached the point where you realize that you have little control over who they become.

+1. I mean, maybe you should have five kids, just in case the fourth is a political apostate and you have to cut them out of your life.

People need to find some hobbies and different ways to relate to people in this world other than politics. My MIL struggled with this for a long time and recently admitted that she felt like she somehow failed as a parent because her son does not hold the same religious and political views. We had years of fraught visits where she would grill my husband and me for our views on things so she can understand where she went wrong. Once we had kids, she pretty quickly figured out that less politics = longer visits = better visits.

OP here - I have held my tongue for a long time over my father's Fox News watching BS but he has decided that he is going to be selfish and refuses to vaccinate himself rather than see his grandchildren. To me that shows us where we stand in his life. Protect your grandchildren when they cannot get vaccinated themselves or put them at risk.

And presumably one of your 3 (or 4) kids will make a decision you find unacceptable at some point too. I have read all your posts and it really just seems to me that you're trying to have more kids (cute! fun! bigger, better parties! more grandkids!) to substitute for the lack of extended family, and that seems minor relative to the fact that you'll have to take on the responsibility of a fourth kid now. But if you have the time/money/energy for the fourth kid, why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t really understand what your title has to do with considering a 4th child. I don’t think bringing another child into your family should have anything to do with your relationship with your parents or your ILs.

And it certainly shouldn’t have anything to do with your parents’ politics. That fourth kid could end up a Fox News lover themselves. If your kids are all under 6, you have not yet reached the point where you realize that you have little control over who they become.

+1. I mean, maybe you should have five kids, just in case the fourth is a political apostate and you have to cut them out of your life.

People need to find some hobbies and different ways to relate to people in this world other than politics. My MIL struggled with this for a long time and recently admitted that she felt like she somehow failed as a parent because her son does not hold the same religious and political views. We had years of fraught visits where she would grill my husband and me for our views on things so she can understand where she went wrong. Once we had kids, she pretty quickly figured out that less politics = longer visits = better visits.

OP here - I have held my tongue for a long time over my father's Fox News watching BS but he has decided that he is going to be selfish and refuses to vaccinate himself rather than see his grandchildren. To me that shows us where we stand in his life. Protect your grandchildren when they cannot get vaccinated themselves or put them at risk.

And presumably one of your 3 (or 4) kids will make a decision you find unacceptable at some point too. I have read all your posts and it really just seems to me that you're trying to have more kids (cute! fun! bigger, better parties! more grandkids!) to substitute for the lack of extended family, and that seems minor relative to the fact that you'll have to take on the responsibility of a fourth kid now. But if you have the time/money/energy for the fourth kid, why not?

OP here - yes I have thought about the fact that my kids might/will make a decision we find unacceptable at some point too and want to try and balance our response to my parents unacceptable decision now. Not sure how to go about doing that.

Regardless, I agree having a fourth kid should be about our family/time/money/energy and less about my extended family. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I reading this correctly? You want more children to take the place of adult family members who have grown distant?

OP here - NO! Absolutely not. We just realized that our immediate family unit is what is most important and in the future it will be us and our kids who we will be with for vacations and celebrations and day to day life. Not our parents or siblings. And we are debating if adding to our family would add more joy. It is not to replace an adult family member.

It sounds like it. Like you won’t have them so you want to have another kid.