How to teach respect?

[Anonymous]

Punishment. Reward good behavior. Even 7 years old needs reminders. Maybe out of focus. But they need to listen to thier parents. Grab your shoes is fine. My toddler listens and gets ready and even grabs her shoes. She used to cry because she needed help to put her sandals on. I taught her by saying, not like that, day help please. And now whenever she needs help she says help please, ayuda porfavor. And even sits in the steps and waits for me to get ready. Sit down please. Can you wait please.
When she doesn't want to share the park we go home. Now she looks back at me if I'm watching her and I am. I'm serious, if you don't share the slide with others then we go home. I talk to her, not screaming. Now she gets it, even a toddler knows. Kids are smart and wants to be in control.
If your daughter is fuzzy sometimes, give her two options. You want to read a book or draw your activity book. But that's sometimes.
Good luck, parenting is hard. Teach them to be humble, good values and respect to your things and yourself. I hope she cleans up after herself. Cleaning up, putting away your toys, books are part of life skills for when they grow up

[Anonymous]

Have you ever flat out asked her why she doesn't listen? I would be curious to hear her response.

I'd admit I'm no stranger to having to ask my kids to do something twice but I'm curious about the sass factor. What is her explanation for not just ignoring but actually doing the opposite of what you asked (i.e. turning the volume up)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait til your son is older. Unfortunately in my experience the younger they are the easier they are to deal with... that’s why old ladies coo over little kids.

A couple things — could it be sibling jealousy? Tends to kick in more after the youngest is 1 and more mobile.

How’s your bond apart from this — do you get one on one time that’s for play, not discipline or doing stuff/going places?

7 is a moody and sensitive age. They are wanting to be their own person. Talk to your child and see if she is feeling “bossed” and ask her how she would like you to talk to her in those moments. This is information gathering and gives her a sense of agency. Also make clear to her your side — “thanks for telling me that, I hear you. Could I tell you something about my feelings? When you say X I feel sad, “bossed” etc. I would like you to communicate with more respect which means eye contact and polite words.”

Basically you are now managing a child with an ego.

Could be jealousy… although kids have vastly different interests so I feel that they both command our attention without competing with each other.

Our bond has always been close. We share several interests and I do a lot of one on one time with her. She is affectionate, funny and chatty. But does not like being told “no” or having her plan thwarted. Today, we were walking out the door and I had my hands full. She let the door close behind her without holding it for me. When I asked her to hold the door for me, she rolled her eyes, did a big sigh and said “ok!” in an exasperated tone. When I talked to her about it, she basically told me to drop it. She was totally annoyed that I brought it up. “Ok, mom! I get it!” . Later, she asked me to take her to get a treat. I told her that I wasn’t happy with how she spoke to me earlier and that we won’t be doing that today. She totally flipped out, yelling and crying. Now she is sulking in her room. It’s draining.

Talk to her and see what her feelings are. It’s good to think of this as rehearsal for teenage years. If you can open a channel of communication, that’s more valuable in the long run than trying to judge whether your child’s feelings are valid or whatever. Obviously the behavior is not ideal, but I would focus on shifting what is underlying as well.

The behavior you describe sounds a bit like a mix of anxiety and needing to learn some skills. I would focus on teaching the skills rather than punishment. As you noticed the punishment is ineffective and might even damage the bond. It would be better to give the discipline in the moment with a chance for redemption: “I noticed you sighed and told me ok! in a frustrated voice when I asked you to open the door. I understand you probably didn’t feel like helping because you wanted to XYZ in that moment. When you talked to me like that, I felt hurt because I needed your help. Actually, we need each other. Please hold open the door and say “of course” if you want me to help you with your requests for treats later.”

It’s important to use a specific description of the behavior vs something vague like “respectfully,” “politely,” “nicely.” There are two pieces kids need to learn at this age — one is the actual concrete pro social behavior, the other is the feeling of empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you ever flat out asked her why she doesn't listen? I would be curious to hear her response.

I'd admit I'm no stranger to having to ask my kids to do something twice but I'm curious about the sass factor. What is her explanation for not just ignoring but actually doing the opposite of what you asked (i.e. turning the volume up)?

+1 usually kids get into this cycle of opposition and defiance because they feel unfairly controlled. Not saying that is a warranted perception, but that’s what needs to shift for the behavior to change. Otherwise that underlying anger just finds passive aggressive channels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop and correct.

EVERY SINGLE TIME!

D: You grab them!
Parent:
Stop. The way you’re talking to me is disrespectful. I am an adult, I give instructions ans keep you safe, you follow them to stay safe. And to avoid consequences of disobedience.

The next time say, “OK, getting them now,” and put them on.

Now. Go get your shoes. We have 3 minutes now.

Chikd: OK.

Move on like it didn’t happen don’t have an attitude or hold it over their head. But EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME you stop to correct and demonstrate the respectful response instead.

After enough time, when the discipline follows when she knows the right response but still chooses to be a brat.

Start with tv shows where there are bratty sassy kids. Let her know you’re taking it away because she doesn’t know how to watch behavior that may not be nice, without doing it and calling it out as wrong. She can work up to that privilege and you can help her.

OP take a note....if you model the above and try to exert this much control, you’ll teach her to try and do the same to you. Maybe it works with some kids. But it sure can backfire.

Great point. I am PP and I hear your point and agree. I shared what works really well for my child’s personality. This would not work with every child.

This works for your child at this age. If you continue being this heavy handed, you’ll end up with a teenager who sneaks around behind your back and doesn’t like being around you as an adult. I feel as a parent you have a certain amount of relationship capital, just as in any other relationship. When they are young and literally depend on you for food and shelter they will tolerate a lot, but don’t think they won’t remember how you made them feel. I would only talk to my kids like that in extreme safety cases.

[Anonymous]

With cause and effect. There's a consequence for everything. Even a 15 months baby understand s that and things like no, stop please.

Teach dicipline before someone else does. Stop spoiling your kids, it's just hurting them and thier teachers, nannies and every early educator

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With cause and effect. There's a consequence for everything. Even a 15 months baby understand s that and things like no, stop please.

Teach dicipline before someone else does. Stop spoiling your kids, it's just hurting them and thier teachers, nannies and every early educator

You teach respect best by modeling it. If you treat them without respect from a young age by "disciplining them", such as putting them in time out, they will become disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

One of my closest friend's daughter, and one of my daughter's best friends, sounds very similar to your daughter. Be honest, did she have similar behavior as a toddler/preschooler, but it was cute and sassy then? Especially because your son is so different, I think this is a mix of temperament and learned behavior. I watched my friend let her daughter get away with "cute" defiance and back talking from day one, and it's gotten worse and worse over the years. When she was 3-4 it sounded like cute, precocious, snappy come backs to her parents ("yeah, I don't think so mom!" with her hands on her hips as a toddler was cute!), but now as an elementary school aged daughter the SAME behavior that was cute is now just plain rude and she's getting a manipulative mean kid streak.

Asking all of this because if she really did learn that it was okay to talk that way, then it's unfair to suddenly ask her to behave totally different, or even know what polite behavior really is. I'd make it a whole family change and frame it as something everyone is going to start working on and holding each other accountable for. Come up with a home covenant and review it and stick to it. Make sure she understands that you have to practice kind behavior at home so that you know how to be kind to people at school, church, soccer, etc. Start modeling please and thank you's consistently, then correct yourself when you forget them. Be consistent and let her see you make mistakes and correct them. It's a long process, but you are totally right that it will just continue to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With cause and effect. There's a consequence for everything. Even a 15 months baby understand s that and things like no, stop please.

Teach dicipline before someone else does. Stop spoiling your kids, it's just hurting them and thier teachers, nannies and every early educator

You teach respect best by modeling it. If you treat them without respect from a young age by "disciplining them", such as putting them in time out, they will become disrespectful.

Respect is so obvious...

Dicipline is a wider area where it teaches respect, self care, empathy and care for your things around you. Show and explain.

Every SCHOOL, CENTER, FAMILY CHILD CARES (Daycares) has DICIPLINE POLICIES. They just called it like that.

Time out is no good. I don't say that or scream. Kids need to see you don't get all angry but you will give them the consequence of that bad behavior.

just hold her hand to a 15 month old and let her sit down, and tell her sit and when you're done crying you are welcome to come back play with us. She was crying for a toy and other kids were fine but not her. She is overly attached to mom, we call it mamitis. Child can't even walk well because mom is holding her a lot with the first scream she does. Mom is just hurting the child and it will become harder the transitions.

She noticed everyone was playing and having fun. She had her cry by yourself and understands that bad feelings like sadness, trantrums will go away.
Then she stops crying and begins to play. I explained to her why she went to sit down. And then we all go happy and enjoy being good kids.

Dicipline to babies is preparing them for toddlerhood. My kid almost 2years old knows how to pick up after herself, understands directions like wait please, wash your hands and then you can play with your toys, put your shoes on, gentle with yourself and gentle to others. Of course you have to show and tell...

Babies can start being dicipline after 6months. Kids are smart, just talk to them. Even tho they don't speak words they understand and the older they get they understand more.

Remember the first 3years are the most important years of a child's life. It sickens me when I see ignorant people who just thinks young kids are naive and plain stupid. Show respect by diciplining them.