How to teach respect?

[Anonymous]

My 7 year old daughter is rude. Bratty. Disrespectful. Whiny. And I don't know what to do about it. She is typically developing and bright. She is successful in school settings and social settings. But she talks back a lot. For example, if I say "Grab your shoes! We leave in 5.", she replies "You grab them.". When I tell her to switch off the TV, she glares and me and turns the TV up a notch. We have tried a whole slew of things ranging from punishing her to insisting she rephrase her comments to ignoring to killing her with kindness. My son is 18 months older and has always been respectful and pleasant. Lots of "Thanks, Mom" and "Ok, sure!". I am dreading the teen years and more importantly, I just don't want to raise a total spoiled brat. What works for you?

[Anonymous]

Consistent punishment. No TV for a day after an incidence of rudeness. We nipped that in the bud at 4. We have a niece who’s rude to her parents at age 9 (slightly younger than our DD) and it’s terrible to see.

[Anonymous]

Wait til your son is older. Unfortunately in my experience the younger they are the easier they are to deal with... that’s why old ladies coo over little kids.

A couple things — could it be sibling jealousy? Tends to kick in more after the youngest is 1 and more mobile.

How’s your bond apart from this — do you get one on one time that’s for play, not discipline or doing stuff/going places?

7 is a moody and sensitive age. They are wanting to be their own person. Talk to your child and see if she is feeling “bossed” and ask her how she would like you to talk to her in those moments. This is information gathering and gives her a sense of agency. Also make clear to her your side — “thanks for telling me that, I hear you. Could I tell you something about my feelings? When you say X I feel sad, “bossed” etc. I would like you to communicate with more respect which means eye contact and polite words.”

Basically you are now managing a child with an ego.

[Anonymous]

PP here. After the initial chat and establishing a cooperative bond you can move to discipline if necessary. Neutral description, I message, chance to modify, consequence. “I noticed that when I said this you did/said X. I feel sad when you talk to me like that. Could you please try again?” If child won’t budge then give a consequence that is commensurable, like If you cannot get your shoes we cannot go out. If you do not turn off the TV now the TV will go away for X days.

Maybe less screen time could help, I know some people say that their kids become quite unmanageable if too much screen time.

Finally, lots of positive specific reinforcement. Don’t just say good job or thanks for being polite — too vague. “You said that with a please,” or “You looked in my eyes and answered my question directly.” The key is describing the exact behavior you want to see repeated.

[Anonymous]

Why are you telling a 7 year old to grab her shoes? Why are you telling her to turn off the TV?

Yes, your child is rude. But part of the problem, I suspect, is that your parenting style hasn’t changed in years.

A 7 year old doesn’t need shoes proctored.
A 7 year old knows when bedtime is and thus when the TV goes off.

Stop announcing minutiae the way you would to a toddler. Sit down and write out the house schedule. Let her stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you telling a 7 year old to grab her shoes? Why are you telling her to turn off the TV?

Yes, your child is rude. But part of the problem, I suspect, is that your parenting style hasn’t changed in years.

A 7 year old doesn’t need shoes proctored.
A 7 year old knows when bedtime is and thus when the TV goes off.

Stop announcing minutiae the way you would to a toddler. Sit down and write out the house schedule. Let her stick to it.

What?? A 7 year old should know when her bedtime is and will turn off the tv and March upstairs to get ready on their own? That’s...unusual I think.

To the op—I’m guessing your consequences aren’t big enough or consistent enough. If you only take away something the 5th time she says something rude then she’s going to keep going. MODEL kind words with a good tone at home, so that’s what she hears. Practice them when you’re not in a rush and she’s not cranky. And then make an expectation and be consistent about it. My youngest really dislikes certain songs and if a song came on in the car that he didn’t like he would either yell “next” or “ugh this song is terrible” and so I would immediately turn off the music (and he actually does love music, so this made him
Angry). And I said “you can say “next song please” in a kind tone” and I will choose another song much of the time (but not all
Of the time”) it took 4-5 times where we had no music for a long car ride (my kids didn’t have devices until they were 12) for him to learn to ask respectfully.

It takes work, op, but be patient and be consistent and it will pay off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you telling a 7 year old to grab her shoes? Why are you telling her to turn off the TV?

Yes, your child is rude. But part of the problem, I suspect, is that your parenting style hasn’t changed in years.

A 7 year old doesn’t need shoes proctored.
A 7 year old knows when bedtime is and thus when the TV goes off.

Stop announcing minutiae the way you would to a toddler. Sit down and write out the house schedule. Let her stick to it.

She’s 7 not 17. Is you kid Young Sheldon?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 7 year old daughter is rude. Bratty. Disrespectful. Whiny. And I don't know what to do about it. She is typically developing and bright. She is successful in school settings and social settings. But she talks back a lot. For example, if I say "Grab your shoes! We leave in 5.", she replies "You grab them.". When I tell her to switch off the TV, she glares and me and turns the TV up a notch. We have tried a whole slew of things ranging from punishing her to insisting she rephrase her comments to ignoring to killing her with kindness. My son is 18 months older and has always been respectful and pleasant. Lots of "Thanks, Mom" and "Ok, sure!". I am dreading the teen years and more importantly, I just don't want to raise a total spoiled brat. What works for you?

Children learn from their parents and, obviously, you do not treat others with respect.

[Anonymous]

Hunt gather parent has so much advice for this. Basically, the constant stream of instructions we are taught to give our kids rob them of their autonomy and breed bratty resistance. Read the book for real. For starters, no more than three demands in an hour..

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you aren’t particularly polite to her and she responds in kind. You might try phrasing it more as: We are leaving in 5 minutes, would you please go grab your shoes.

I remember as a kid feeling like my parents were so rude and short with me but expected me to fall over myself with pleases and thank yous. It really rubbed me the wrong way. Of course, they felt they were owed respect but did not see the need to give it in return or even in order to model it.

[Anonymous]

Or even better, say we are leaving in 5 and let her use her EF to remember to get her shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you aren’t particularly polite to her and she responds in kind. You might try phrasing it more as: We are leaving in 5 minutes, would you please go grab your shoes.

I remember as a kid feeling like my parents were so rude and short with me but expected me to fall over myself with pleases and thank yous. It really rubbed me the wrong way. Of course, they felt they were owed respect but did not see the need to give it in return or even in order to model it.

This was my take, too. "Grab your shoes" is a really common way to phrase things, but technically it is pretty rude. What happens if you just trying phrasing things the way you would to someone YOU respect? You wouldn't say "Grab your shoes! 5 minutes!" to your boss or something.

Or what if you just try more things like natural consequences. Or putting her in charge like "We're leaving in 5 minutes - what do you need to do to get ready?"

I am always mad at my own daughter's tone (she's 4), but then I realize it's exactly how I talk to her a lot of the time. I think she is so bossy, but honestly I am always bossing her around, so what do I expect?

[Anonymous]

Be worthy of respect. Examine your own behavior.

[Anonymous]

I never tell my 5 year old to get her shoes. They are by the door where we take them off. I remind her we are leaving in 5 min and then everyone goes and puts on shoes. I do a reminder for end of ipad time (10 and then 5 min). Then i ask her to turn it off or i will.
She gets as much autonomy as possible.

[Anonymous]

I agree with poster who said less screen time. Sometimes my kids lose tv for a couple of weeks and their behavior seriously improves.