How to teach respect?

[Anonymous]

Stop and correct.

EVERY SINGLE TIME!

D: You grab them!
Parent:
Stop. The way you’re talking to me is disrespectful. I am an adult, I give instructions ans keep you safe, you follow them to stay safe. And to avoid consequences of disobedience.

The next time say, “OK, getting them now,” and put them on.

Now. Go get your shoes. We have 3 minutes now.

Chikd: OK.

Move on like it didn’t happen don’t have an attitude or hold it over their head. But EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME you stop to correct and demonstrate the respectful response instead.

After enough time, when the discipline follows when she knows the right response but still chooses to be a brat.

Start with tv shows where there are bratty sassy kids. Let her know you’re taking it away because she doesn’t know how to watch behavior that may not be nice, without doing it and calling it out as wrong. She can work up to that privilege and you can help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop and correct.

EVERY SINGLE TIME!

D: You grab them!
Parent:
Stop. The way you’re talking to me is disrespectful. I am an adult, I give instructions ans keep you safe, you follow them to stay safe. And to avoid consequences of disobedience.

The next time say, “OK, getting them now,” and put them on.

Now. Go get your shoes. We have 3 minutes now.

Chikd: OK.

Move on like it didn’t happen don’t have an attitude or hold it over their head. But EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME you stop to correct and demonstrate the respectful response instead.

After enough time, when the discipline follows when she knows the right response but still chooses to be a brat.

Start with tv shows where there are bratty sassy kids. Let her know you’re taking it away because she doesn’t know how to watch behavior that may not be nice, without doing it and calling it out as wrong. She can work up to that privilege and you can help her.

OP take a note....if you model the above and try to exert this much control, you’ll teach her to try and do the same to you. Maybe it works with some kids. But it sure can backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop and correct.

EVERY SINGLE TIME!

D: You grab them!
Parent:
Stop. The way you’re talking to me is disrespectful. I am an adult, I give instructions ans keep you safe, you follow them to stay safe. And to avoid consequences of disobedience.

The next time say, “OK, getting them now,” and put them on.

Now. Go get your shoes. We have 3 minutes now.

Chikd: OK.

Move on like it didn’t happen don’t have an attitude or hold it over their head. But EVERY SINGLE DAMN TIME you stop to correct and demonstrate the respectful response instead.

After enough time, when the discipline follows when she knows the right response but still chooses to be a brat.

Start with tv shows where there are bratty sassy kids. Let her know you’re taking it away because she doesn’t know how to watch behavior that may not be nice, without doing it and calling it out as wrong. She can work up to that privilege and you can help her.

OP take a note....if you model the above and try to exert this much control, you’ll teach her to try and do the same to you. Maybe it works with some kids. But it sure can backfire.

Great point. I am PP and I hear your point and agree. I shared what works really well for my child’s personality. This would not work with every child.

[Anonymous]

The general principle works, whether exes to in execution or not. You teach them what they don’t know, give them earnings and consequences, enforce and love.

That is the general approach and that DOES work for (most m) all children. This is why providers and parents and teachers are taught in a similar approach. They have to learn and you have to teach them!

When pride comes up fir my child, I address that softly with love. Explain I’m that discipline should not feel like a threat, it refines you. Your emotions are valid but they don’t give a free pass for behavior.

All kids are different.

[Anonymous]

I never EVER ask my kids to do something that they must do. "Would you please go put on your shoes?" would never come out of my mouth. That's a yes/no question and what happens when you've gotten a "no" response? I say "Go grab your shoes and put them on." If my child said "You grab them" whatever they were doing would stop immediately. If they were eating the food would be taken away, if they were playing with a toy or on a screen that would be taken away. They would get told "YOU are the child, and you may NOT speak to adults that way. If you do it again, you will be severely punished, understand? Now go put-on your shoes."

And if they did it again, we'd go wherever we needed to go and then when they came home they'd get sent straight to their room where they could sit and stare at the walls - no playing - for an hour. If they did it AGAIN, the punishment would get more severe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never EVER ask my kids to do something that they must do. "Would you please go put on your shoes?" would never come out of my mouth. That's a yes/no question and what happens when you've gotten a "no" response? I say "Go grab your shoes and put them on." If my child said "You grab them" whatever they were doing would stop immediately. If they were eating the food would be taken away, if they were playing with a toy or on a screen that would be taken away. They would get told "YOU are the child, and you may NOT speak to adults that way. If you do it again, you will be severely punished, understand? Now go put-on your shoes."

And if they did it again, we'd go wherever we needed to go and then when they came home they'd get sent straight to their room where they could sit and stare at the walls - no playing - for an hour. If they did it AGAIN, the punishment would get more severe.

You have the Rod of Correction, don’t you.


It’s better than a switch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you aren’t particularly polite to her and she responds in kind. You might try phrasing it more as: We are leaving in 5 minutes, would you please go grab your shoes.

I remember as a kid feeling like my parents were so rude and short with me but expected me to fall over myself with pleases and thank yous. It really rubbed me the wrong way. Of course, they felt they were owed respect but did not see the need to give it in return or even in order to model it.

I know it’s hard to tell from something written but my tone is cheerful and friendly. “Grab you shoes! We are leaving in 5!”.

I do really pay attention to to my tone and try not to fall into the trap of clapping back at her. We can easily just escalate that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7 year old daughter is rude. Bratty. Disrespectful. Whiny. And I don't know what to do about it. She is typically developing and bright. She is successful in school settings and social settings. But she talks back a lot. For example, if I say "Grab your shoes! We leave in 5.", she replies "You grab them.". When I tell her to switch off the TV, she glares and me and turns the TV up a notch. We have tried a whole slew of things ranging from punishing her to insisting she rephrase her comments to ignoring to killing her with kindness. My son is 18 months older and has always been respectful and pleasant. Lots of "Thanks, Mom" and "Ok, sure!". I am dreading the teen years and more importantly, I just don't want to raise a total spoiled brat. What works for you?

Children learn from their parents and, obviously, you do not treat others with respect.

This seems unfair- did something in my post suggest I am not respectful to others?

[Anonymous]

OP respect is earned.

My guess is your child feels no respect. It goes both ways.

Something in your house is saying to this child I don't have to respect you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait til your son is older. Unfortunately in my experience the younger they are the easier they are to deal with... that’s why old ladies coo over little kids.

A couple things — could it be sibling jealousy? Tends to kick in more after the youngest is 1 and more mobile.

How’s your bond apart from this — do you get one on one time that’s for play, not discipline or doing stuff/going places?

7 is a moody and sensitive age. They are wanting to be their own person. Talk to your child and see if she is feeling “bossed” and ask her how she would like you to talk to her in those moments. This is information gathering and gives her a sense of agency. Also make clear to her your side — “thanks for telling me that, I hear you. Could I tell you something about my feelings? When you say X I feel sad, “bossed” etc. I would like you to communicate with more respect which means eye contact and polite words.”

Basically you are now managing a child with an ego.

Could be jealousy… although kids have vastly different interests so I feel that they both command our attention without competing with each other.

Our bond has always been close. We share several interests and I do a lot of one on one time with her. She is affectionate, funny and chatty. But does not like being told “no” or having her plan thwarted. Today, we were walking out the door and I had my hands full. She let the door close behind her without holding it for me. When I asked her to hold the door for me, she rolled her eyes, did a big sigh and said “ok!” in an exasperated tone. When I talked to her about it, she basically told me to drop it. She was totally annoyed that I brought it up. “Ok, mom! I get it!” . Later, she asked me to take her to get a treat. I told her that I wasn’t happy with how she spoke to me earlier and that we won’t be doing that today. She totally flipped out, yelling and crying. Now she is sulking in her room. It’s draining.

[Anonymous]

Op, my DD is very similar to your description. We’ve also tried everything, and Ive concluded that it will always be a “dance” between methods. You punish too severely, it makes it worse. You ignore too much, it makes it worse. You try exclusively focusing on connection, doesn’t help. In another thread, a poster mentioned that her son is “energized by conflict.” My DH and I are utterly different, but it describes our DD so well. I think it’s a helpful description for kids like this because “parenting methods” usually presuppose kids don’t want conflict! I think for kids like that you just keep focusing on their admirable qualities, emphasizing kind behavior and putting reasonable limits (I.e, just turn the tv off as punishment, no drama).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait til your son is older. Unfortunately in my experience the younger they are the easier they are to deal with... that’s why old ladies coo over little kids.

A couple things — could it be sibling jealousy? Tends to kick in more after the youngest is 1 and more mobile.

How’s your bond apart from this — do you get one on one time that’s for play, not discipline or doing stuff/going places?

7 is a moody and sensitive age. They are wanting to be their own person. Talk to your child and see if she is feeling “bossed” and ask her how she would like you to talk to her in those moments. This is information gathering and gives her a sense of agency. Also make clear to her your side — “thanks for telling me that, I hear you. Could I tell you something about my feelings? When you say X I feel sad, “bossed” etc. I would like you to communicate with more respect which means eye contact and polite words.”

Basically you are now managing a child with an ego.

I begin the change of this dynamic starting out:
This behavior is unacceptable for a rising 3rd grader. It won’t be tolerated.

Then I continue.

Could be jealousy… although kids have vastly different interests so I feel that they both command our attention without competing with each other.

Our bond has always been close. We share several interests and I do a lot of one on one time with her. She is affectionate, funny and chatty. But does not like being told “no” or having her plan thwarted. Today, we were walking out the door and I had my hands full. She let the door close behind her without holding it for me. When I asked her to hold the door for me, she rolled her eyes, did a big sigh and said “ok!” in an exasperated tone. When I talked to her about it, she basically told me to drop it. She was totally annoyed that I brought it up. “Ok, mom! I get it!” . Later, she asked me to take her to get a treat. I told her that I wasn’t happy with how she spoke to me earlier and that we won’t be doing that today. She totally flipped out, yelling and crying. Now she is sulking in her room. It’s draining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait til your son is older. Unfortunately in my experience the younger they are the easier they are to deal with... that’s why old ladies coo over little kids.

A couple things — could it be sibling jealousy? Tends to kick in more after the youngest is 1 and more mobile.

How’s your bond apart from this — do you get one on one time that’s for play, not discipline or doing stuff/going places?

7 is a moody and sensitive age. They are wanting to be their own person. Talk to your child and see if she is feeling “bossed” and ask her how she would like you to talk to her in those moments. This is information gathering and gives her a sense of agency. Also make clear to her your side — “thanks for telling me that, I hear you. Could I tell you something about my feelings? When you say X I feel sad, “bossed” etc. I would like you to communicate with more respect which means eye contact and polite words.”

Basically you are now managing a child with an ego.

I begin the change of this dynamic starting out:
This behavior is unacceptable for a rising 3rd grader. It won’t be tolerated.

Then I continue.

Could be jealousy… although kids have vastly different interests so I feel that they both command our attention without competing with each other.

Our bond has always been close. We share several interests and I do a lot of one on one time with her. She is affectionate, funny and chatty. But does not like being told “no” or having her plan thwarted. Today, we were walking out the door and I had my hands full. She let the door close behind her without holding it for me. When I asked her to hold the door for me, she rolled her eyes, did a big sigh and said “ok!” in an exasperated tone. When I talked to her about it, she basically told me to drop it. She was totally annoyed that I brought it up. “Ok, mom! I get it!” . Later, she asked me to take her to get a treat. I told her that I wasn’t happy with how she spoke to me earlier and that we won’t be doing that today. She totally flipped out, yelling and crying. Now she is sulking in her room. It’s draining.

Has she always been like this or is this new behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait til your son is older. Unfortunately in my experience the younger they are the easier they are to deal with... that’s why old ladies coo over little kids.

A couple things — could it be sibling jealousy? Tends to kick in more after the youngest is 1 and more mobile.

How’s your bond apart from this — do you get one on one time that’s for play, not discipline or doing stuff/going places?

7 is a moody and sensitive age. They are wanting to be their own person. Talk to your child and see if she is feeling “bossed” and ask her how she would like you to talk to her in those moments. This is information gathering and gives her a sense of agency. Also make clear to her your side — “thanks for telling me that, I hear you. Could I tell you something about my feelings? When you say X I feel sad, “bossed” etc. I would like you to communicate with more respect which means eye contact and polite words.”

Basically you are now managing a child with an ego.

I begin the change of this dynamic starting out:
This behavior is unacceptable for a rising 3rd grader. It won’t be tolerated.

Then I continue.

Could be jealousy… although kids have vastly different interests so I feel that they both command our attention without competing with each other.

Our bond has always been close. We share several interests and I do a lot of one on one time with her. She is affectionate, funny and chatty. But does not like being told “no” or having her plan thwarted. Today, we were walking out the door and I had my hands full. She let the door close behind her without holding it for me. When I asked her to hold the door for me, she rolled her eyes, did a big sigh and said “ok!” in an exasperated tone. When I talked to her about it, she basically told me to drop it. She was totally annoyed that I brought it up. “Ok, mom! I get it!” . Later, she asked me to take her to get a treat. I told her that I wasn’t happy with how she spoke to me earlier and that we won’t be doing that today. She totally flipped out, yelling and crying. Now she is sulking in her room. It’s draining.

Has she always been like this or is this new behavior?

she has always been willful and testing limits, but I think as her language skills have expanded and she has started to understand more nuanced communication, her attitude/behavior has gotten worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait til your son is older. Unfortunately in my experience the younger they are the easier they are to deal with... that’s why old ladies coo over little kids.

A couple things — could it be sibling jealousy? Tends to kick in more after the youngest is 1 and more mobile.

How’s your bond apart from this — do you get one on one time that’s for play, not discipline or doing stuff/going places?

7 is a moody and sensitive age. They are wanting to be their own person. Talk to your child and see if she is feeling “bossed” and ask her how she would like you to talk to her in those moments. This is information gathering and gives her a sense of agency. Also make clear to her your side — “thanks for telling me that, I hear you. Could I tell you something about my feelings? When you say X I feel sad, “bossed” etc. I would like you to communicate with more respect which means eye contact and polite words.”

Basically you are now managing a child with an ego.

Could be jealousy… although kids have vastly different interests so I feel that they both command our attention without competing with each other.

Our bond has always been close. We share several interests and I do a lot of one on one time with her. She is affectionate, funny and chatty. But does not like being told “no” or having her plan thwarted. Today, we were walking out the door and I had my hands full. She let the door close behind her without holding it for me. When I asked her to hold the door for me, she rolled her eyes, did a big sigh and said “ok!” in an exasperated tone. When I talked to her about it, she basically told me to drop it. She was totally annoyed that I brought it up. “Ok, mom! I get it!” . Later, she asked me to take her to get a treat. I told her that I wasn’t happy with how she spoke to me earlier and that we won’t be doing that today. She totally flipped out, yelling and crying. Now she is sulking in her room. It’s draining.

I’m taking a class right now on effective language for teaching kids executive functioning skills....it’s targeted more at the special needs population but still good advice.

I would have said after she didn’t hold the door. “I wonder if you know I just felt really disrespected.” And later at treat time: “if I feel disrespected, I don’t feel like going out for a treat.”

And that’s it. No more talking. Definitely do not engage in a back and forth debate.

Good luck. She sounds NT but a tougher personality.