Reply to Marriage is miserable: why does everyone want to get married?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People want to get marriage because a good marriage is an amazing thing. Personally I think choosing a spouse is the single most important decision a person ever makes. And its not like I'm the only person saying its important, but it is REALLY REALLY important to not pick someone crappy.

And unfortunately a lot of people make the decision in their late 20s and early 30s with the pressure of childbearing at their backs like they're playing a game of musical chairs. Or they make it when they are young and haven't really grown into who they will be yet. And so the decisions aren't as informed/careful as they should be (although some work out, yay!).

I think at the end of the day the ranking of happiness or whatever is like

1) Very happy married people
2) Good but nothing special marriage people, happy but not like, deeply in love
3) Very happy single people who have built a good community
4) Decently happy single people who are somewhat lonely sometimes but who have built a good life
5) Married couples who don't get fulfilment from one another but who have built a good life together. They could take or leave the other person but have good lives they have no interest in blowing up
6) Somewhat dissatisfied single people who regret how they got to where they are but who are still like, fine. They have regrets and wish their life was different but they have friends/support
7) Unhappily married people who actively dislike their spouse and feel lost
8) Unhappy single people who are actively angry all the time that they are alone
9) People in really bad marriages with abuse/neglect

I think when you are single, your happiness is a choice based on how much community you can cultivate. But as you age, particularly when you are elderly, the lack of a partner becomes more of an issue.

But the partner/spouse is a double edged sword. It can bring your life to high highs and it can bring it to low lows. People get married because who doesn't want high highs? They don't think too much about how low a low can be. [/quote]

I think this hierarchy is spot on.

I was only interested in #1, and have spent most of my life alternating between #6 and #4, both of which I consider to be light years better than #7 or #9, and even #5 unless it included a very significant improvement in financial security without the stressors of children.

Many marriages end in divorce and of those that don’t the great majority are some degree of significantly dysfunctional. When people are in them they discount the dysfunctionality, so I bear that in mind when I read defenses of marriage on this and other boards. In my work as a family law attorney handlings dissolutions I can’t even count the number of clients who told me they’d not even realized how miserable they were until they got to the other side and felt what it was like to be out of that dynamic.

I grew up witnessing a miserable marriage and over my half century have seen many more like it and many that were mediocre at best. I have seen so many women spend their lives eating excrement. I would rather endure the periods of loneliness and regret over what ifs that sometimes color my singledom than to trade the absolute independence, freedom from psychodrama and total bodily autonomy that characterizes my life.

Yes I have to cope with and manage the challenges of life primarily alone, but with emotional support from friends and family as needed. This has made me an incredibly resilient person who is increasingly confident with every passing year that I can handle anything life tosses my way. At present I’m working in geriatric management/home health care and given what I’ve seen of elderly women who become utterly lost when they are widowed - which almost all of them will be considering life expectancy data - I’m glad I’ve had to have my own back most of my life and have never let me down. I can count on me for the distance. [/quote]

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