Parents- tell me about your friendships with childfree people

[Anonymous]

As a pp mentioned, your experiences will be different depending on your friends. In any friendship, or any relationship really, you either have to be naturally aligned or both sides have to be willing to compromise enough that neither person feels like they are always doing the work. With all my friends, not just child free, I’ve had to navigate what is the best time to call and what is the preferred way of keeping up. My biggest adjustment with having kids was needing to be more intentional about my time and more thoughtful about what would be a good time etc for the other person that also works for me. I had some friends that the commute home was the best time when we were both free, a different friend who works from home it was lunchtime, I have another friend that hates phone calls but is great about texting and will often initiate a text if we haven’t seen each other in awhile. Before I had kids, I could call and text anytime and someone could call and text me almost any time. There was also the navigation around when we see each other in person and what type of activity etc. Over the years as my kids were in different stages of activities, there has been an ebb and flow but one of the things for me is being able to connect as adults without the focus being the kids, that can be on the phone, it could be with a gathering without kids like a dinner or brunch, it could be like a pp mentioned coming over near the kids bedtime and hang out after the kids are asleep. I would say among my friends with kids, I have not stayed close to friends that didn’t have that same outlook and never made that effort.

As I look back the main things are mutual consideration, thoughtfulness and communication - everyone is busy and no one should assume the other person has to always cater to you versus finding something that works for you both. I’ve had some bumps along the way and have good friends be upfront when they were hurt and felt like things were one sided, and that was what gave me a wake up call to do better in those friendships.

[Anonymous]

I’m CF by choice and have tons of friends with kids; got three godsons out of the deal, and am auntie to many others. I love my friends and simply adore all of their kids. When visiting I interact with the kids, help out the parents when I can, offer to babysit sometimes, just doing things to support the friends I love.

[Anonymous]

My best friend doesn’t have kids. Not sure if she’s child free but she’s unmarried and 36. She is okay not having kids. She adores my kids and is the only adult I know who gets on the floor and plays with them. She has discussions with my dd about her favorite princesses.

But I rarely bring up my kids with her. Maybe a funny story or two that anyone would appreciate. We go out a lot to fancy restaurants and bars in downtown dc and have lots of childfree activities. We go to wineries and Dh watches the kids. I try not to dominate discussions and ask about her life. I can’t travel with her like I used to. I’m pregnant and breastfed for like 3 years already which makes it hard.

I’ve found that only my mom wants to hear every story of my kids. I tone it down for everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am at mid 40s and childless. For the most part I find that I never get to see my friends with kids. They would prefer to hang out with other parents with kids.

This is my experience as well. I have friends with kids, and I see usually see them in the context of their kids. I went to all of one friend’s kid’s birthdays, recitals, etc. I love her and her family, but those friends don’t reciprocate or show much appreciation of my life. You can even see it in the posts here. All of the parents say to remain friends, their child free friends have to accommodate them, but I wonder how they show those child free friends that they care and value them.

I used to be much more accommodating. I’ve never commented on any friend’s parenting. I’ve gone to so many kid events. I’ve been out to dinner with a friend’s kids running around the restaurant screaming. And yet I’ve never felt that any of them would go out of their way to see me or accommodate me. In my experience most friends seemed to become more selfish when they had kids. And they use their kids as a trump card for everything.

Just be prepared for that. There will be times your friends imply or outright say your time isn’t as precious as theirs and your life isn’t as meaningful. I’ve learned to just let it go when that happens. But I no longer go out of my way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am at mid 40s and childless. For the most part I find that I never get to see my friends with kids. They would prefer to hang out with other parents with kids.

This is my experience as well. I have friends with kids, and I see usually see them in the context of their kids. I went to all of one friend’s kid’s birthdays, recitals, etc. I love her and her family, but those friends don’t reciprocate or show much appreciation of my life. You can even see it in the posts here. All of the parents say to remain friends, their child free friends have to accommodate them, but I wonder how they show those child free friends that they care and value them.

I used to be much more accommodating. I’ve never commented on any friend’s parenting. I’ve gone to so many kid events. I’ve been out to dinner with a friend’s kids running around the restaurant screaming. And yet I’ve never felt that any of them would go out of their way to see me or accommodate me. In my experience most friends seemed to become more selfish when they had kids. And they use their kids as a trump card for everything.

Just be prepared for that. There will be times your friends imply or outright say your time isn’t as precious as theirs and your life isn’t as meaningful. I’ve learned to just let it go when that happens. But I no longer go out of my way.

“ In my experience most friends seemed to become more selfish when they had kids. And they use their kids as a trump card for everything.”

This!! I even have a friend who was annoyed that her sister in law got pregnant three months after her but she was looking forward to having more control in the extended family due to having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am at mid 40s and childless. For the most part I find that I never get to see my friends with kids. They would prefer to hang out with other parents with kids.

This is my experience as well. I have friends with kids, and I see usually see them in the context of their kids. I went to all of one friend’s kid’s birthdays, recitals, etc. I love her and her family, but those friends don’t reciprocate or show much appreciation of my life. You can even see it in the posts here. All of the parents say to remain friends, their child free friends have to accommodate them, but I wonder how they show those child free friends that they care and value them.

I used to be much more accommodating. I’ve never commented on any friend’s parenting. I’ve gone to so many kid events. I’ve been out to dinner with a friend’s kids running around the restaurant screaming. And yet I’ve never felt that any of them would go out of their way to see me or accommodate me. In my experience most friends seemed to become more selfish when they had kids. And they use their kids as a trump card for everything.

Just be prepared for that. There will be times your friends imply or outright say your time isn’t as precious as theirs and your life isn’t as meaningful. I’ve learned to just let it go when that happens. But I no longer go out of my way.

PP here that specifically pointed out that mutual consideration, thoughtfulness, and communication is the key to relationships in general. Have you ever brought up with any of your close friends that you feel the relationship is with saving, that you have felt this way and they continued to behave the same? I do realize the post comes from a place or hurt and I don’t know if it make it better or not to know that people struggle with friendships whether they have kids or not. I’ve felt like that odd mom out, never the one part of the after soccer game play date plans, always the one putting on the effort to get people together and plan things. I felt like I was relieving middle school all over again as an adult and it sucked. There was this moment of clarity where I was burnt out and I realized that I was putting in all this effort for what. So I keep my circle small and like you made the decision not to go out of my way anymore. Within my small circle of friends, not everyone gets it right all the time, but we feel comfortable enough to bring up when someone has let the other person down, but part of that is that you know the person does value the friendship and other person and would want to get it right.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 4 and 6. My best friend does not have kids. Now that my kids are easier to handle - 1 parent can do bedtime for both - I meet up more. She likes my kids, but I only bring them every 4th or 5th time we hang out.
It’s so easy to make plans with her because she doesn’t have to coordinate childcare with a spouse, doesn’t have kids sports and activities.

That said. I was not really up for much hanging out with non parents for the first 12-18 mo of each kid because I always needed to around to nurse, do naptime, do bedtime. Also my 2nd was a terrible sleeper for 2+ years and I was a hollow shell of a person living on 3-5hrs of consecutive sleep each night. If I had extra time, I was napping.

[Anonymous]

OP when my kids were young and I couldn't get out of the house without babysitters, etc. my childfree friends were a lifeline for being willing to come to my house for monthly weeknight dinners (7:30-9:30 or so) after the kids were in bed.

They drove to me so I didn't have to leave the house, brought a bottle of wine or a baguette, etc. and I made dinner (which I was doing anyway, I just doubled the recipe).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend doesn’t have kids. Not sure if she’s child free but she’s unmarried and 36. She is okay not having kids. She adores my kids and is the only adult I know who gets on the floor and plays with them. She has discussions with my dd about her favorite princesses.

But I rarely bring up my kids with her. Maybe a funny story or two that anyone would appreciate. We go out a lot to fancy restaurants and bars in downtown dc and have lots of childfree activities. We go to wineries and Dh watches the kids. I try not to dominate discussions and ask about her life. I can’t travel with her like I used to. I’m pregnant and breastfed for like 3 years already which makes it hard.

I’ve found that only my mom wants to hear every story of my kids. I tone it down for everyone else.

This. My BFF loves my kids but we don’t take about them much and I value having real conversations and not mommy chit chat. My kids are also old enough that I’m not as obsessed with them as when they were babies and toddlers. Just like their lives at school and sports no longer are tied to me, my identity is not centered on them. With my kid-free friends I feel like I am a person first and with my mom friends I am a mom first.

[Anonymous]

I like being friends with childfree people! They often have interesting stories about stuff I can't do as much now because of my young children. I also like that there's no element of child comparison and they can't bore me with stories of their own children because they don't have any.

The only thing that bugs me is if childfree people are judgmental about stuff like not being able to go to dinner at the drop of a hat or take a weeklong no-kids vacation, etc. And don't don't don't offer any child rearing advice.

[Anonymous]

I am friends with three single child-free women (they don't know each other) and our friendships definitely suffered when I had kids. They each are fairly rigid: only available at x time, didn't want to do kid-friendly stuff or be around my kid, didn't want to be flexible. I like kid-free time but if you WOH all week then you want to see your kid while it's awake! And babysitters are expensive. If they had been willing to hang out at the park with me and my kid, we would have seen a lot more of each other.

If you can do stuff with their kids, that's best. But if you don't like that or want kid-free time, just realize that the parents have limited availability. Even if they get a babysitter every week ($$$) they probably have other friends to see, date night, etc. Don't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

The friendship WILL change. Just accept that. Your friend WILL show up looking exhausted, or with mashed banana in their hair, or wearing two different shoes, or pull a dirty diaper out of their purse, or have to cancel last minute, or be running 20 minutes behind.

DH and I have always made sure we don't talk about our kids unless our friends ask. When childfree friends come over we often have them come 15 minutes before bedtime, so they can see the kids, but the kids don't dominate our time together.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is child-free and it has never been an issue. She’s a wonderful Godmother to our kids and our friendship hasn’t changed or weakened in the least.

Our nanny is also childfree by choice so I’ve never bought into the “childfree people don’t understand” bulls**t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friendship WILL change. Just accept that. Your friend WILL show up looking exhausted, or with mashed banana in their hair, or wearing two different shoes, or pull a dirty diaper out of their purse, or have to cancel last minute, or be running 20 minutes behind.

DH and I have always made sure we don't talk about our kids unless our friends ask. When childfree friends come over we often have them come 15 minutes before bedtime, so they can see the kids, but the kids don't dominate our time together.

Ugh this whole first paragraph is such a ridiculous trope of the hot mess mother. I have never showed up to work or an event with food in my hair and a dirty diaper in my bag. Please do better and stop portraying all moms like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friendship WILL change. Just accept that. Your friend WILL show up looking exhausted, or with mashed banana in their hair, or wearing two different shoes, or pull a dirty diaper out of their purse, or have to cancel last minute, or be running 20 minutes behind.

DH and I have always made sure we don't talk about our kids unless our friends ask. When childfree friends come over we often have them come 15 minutes before bedtime, so they can see the kids, but the kids don't dominate our time together.

The friendship will change regardless of who has kids now. Time changes friendships - some for the better and some for the worse. There will be a number of life issues that one friend may have that the other doesn’t. Divorce, illness, caring for parents, bankruptcy, etc.

Learn to accept your friends for where they are when they’re there and expand your acceptance.