Parents- tell me about your friendships with childfree people

[Anonymous]

I had one! She had a kid about three years ago, but we were friends for maybe five years before that. We met when my kids were one and four.

Much of our time together was hanging out as couples (ourselves and our husbands). Things we did were be flexible about bedtime and screens because we usually had to hang out with them when the kids were around. We also spent more evenings at our house so that the kids could sleep while we hung out.

We also did lunches together on weekends when DH could hang out with kids maybe once a month, and we went to the same book club.

We actually started spending less time together when they had their kid because, you know, having a baby is time-consuming. It got more back to normal when her son turned one. It was nice to be able to reciprocate babysitting!

[Anonymous]

I have kids now, but I had my first at 35 and a lot of my friends had kids in their mid-late 20s, so I was the child free one for many years. My tips:

1) the first 3-6 months after birth, expect nothing. You visit and hold the baby for maybe an hour or two once or twice and it is not quality time. This happens on their schedule. You bring food, drop it off, leave. MAYBE some texting. That’s it.

2) after that, I found the best time to visit was starting at about 5-6pm on a weekend. You can hang out with the baby for a couple hours. Then baby goes to bed, and you can have quality adult time in the evening.

[Anonymous]

My best friend is single and child free, and we see her every few weeks. She loves the kids, spoils them, and they have a blast together.

[Anonymous]

I have many child free friends. Some I knew before we were thinking about marriage and kids. One close friend I met in my 40s and she is 7ish years older than me. Honestly, I mostly see them without my kids — but that is true of my friends with kids also. My husband and I are older parents so our friend with kids have children that are a decade to two decades older than our children. We aren’t hanging out as gangs of families — too much age difference. We also have always had a lot of childcare so easy to see people.

I much prefer conversations that have nothing to do with my kids when I’m not with them — not that I don’t love them, but I am an entire person that doesn’t need to talk about them all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interested in hearing from a child free late 40s woman about what I did during this time to maintain the connection?

Mid-40s and childfree here (married 20 years). I was a bit nervous about this when my friends started having kids. Mostly I was worried that they would change and that they wouldn't have room for me in their lives any more. Fortunately, that didn't happen at all. My friends are still themselves, though they've grown and changed in entirely expected ways. If anything, they became more themselves, if that makes sense. The key, I think, was truly welcoming their kids into our friendships, and getting to know the kids on a deep and genuine level. And changing expectations about what would constitute 'hanging out' - basically realizing that activities didn't matter, their company did. So I hung out and talked with them during kid stuff, spent one on one time getting to know their kids, and continued to love and support them even when I didn't understand. I'm really glad these friendships lasted - not only do I still have my dearest friends, I get to watch them as parents and get to know their children, which has been rewarding and fascinating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interested in hearing from a child free late 40s woman about what I did during this time to maintain the connection?

Mid-40s and childfree here (married 20 years). I was a bit nervous about this when my friends started having kids. Mostly I was worried that they would change and that they wouldn't have room for me in their lives any more. Fortunately, that didn't happen at all. My friends are still themselves, though they've grown and changed in entirely expected ways. If anything, they became more themselves, if that makes sense. The key, I think, was truly welcoming their kids into our friendships, and getting to know the kids on a deep and genuine level. And changing expectations about what would constitute 'hanging out' - basically realizing that activities didn't matter, their company did. So I hung out and talked with them during kid stuff, spent one on one time getting to know their kids, and continued to love and support them even when I didn't understand. I'm really glad these friendships lasted - not only do I still have my dearest friends, I get to watch them as parents and get to know their children, which has been rewarding and fascinating.

To add to this, I have zero expectations about one-on-one time with my parent friends. For example, if I go to visit my childhood best friend, who is a SAHM to two young ones, I assume we will be doing kid stuff the entire time, with me helping or staying out of the way as needed. This is great - I just want to hang out with her and catch up on her life. However, her husband (who has a high-pressure, long-hours job) almost always kindly takes kid duty for an evening so that we can go out solo. I appreciate this beyond words, but it's never expected. Flexibility and respect is key. I ask my parent friends what works for them (my house or theirs, best time to come over, whether to help or entertain myself for a while), and always follow their lead. They are also flexible and welcoming, but know that I am not going to add to their work or stress, and I think this is key to them genuinely wanting to spend time with me.

[Anonymous]

I met some married w/o kids friends when I was newly pregnant with my first. It was fun but once I had the baby, they didn't seem to understand how tired I was and that a 830 or 9 pm get-together wasn't happening for me when my baby was still waking every few hours overnight and I was EBF. They eventually stopped inviting me which made me sad, but it's just different phases of life.

[Anonymous]

Most of my parents friends were child-free by choice. It was great because they were our aunts and uncles — closer than most bio relatives. They’d do stuff after we went to bed, but we were often fully integrated (eg, the only kids invited their weddings). I think the key is to accept that your friends’ kids are in the mix now ... kinda like you have to deal with their SO when they’re dating. My parents did things alone with their friends too, but not exclusively. Now in my 50s I still call these people up, visit at holiday time, check on their health, etc. They are part of my so-called village, and have been through the tough times with us, again more so than bio relatives.

[Anonymous]

Two very dear, long time friends of mine are child free by choice, one single and will likely stay child free and one with a partner and some chance of children in the future but still not sure. We’ve been able to maintain our friendships well. They genuinely care about my kids, and I try my best to not only talk about them. We talk about our careers, relationships, their dating, our other friendships. I make certain to recognize a variety of milestones for them since marriage/child bearing gets so many assumed milestone celebrations. And sometimes I talk about my parenting wins or struggles too, I appreciate they don’t seem to expect me to pretend that isn’t a huge part of my reality - if daycare choices are stressing me out, as my friend they are willing to listen and be empathic, it’s really nice. They are very kind and considerate around my schedule and do come to me more because they know things are a little more limited in these early years but I def try to make the effort if they’ve come to me a couple times to go to them. I make sure it isn’t like the world revolves around my schedule since I have kids, though I do feel they give a little more in this area which is kind of them. So I think it’s just about both being considerate of each other. I appreciate how they at least pretend to love to see pictures of my kids (one doesn’t live here)

just consideration on both ends of the friendship - we love each other and value our friendships, kids haven’t changed that at all.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on what kind of child free you are. Do you call kids crotch goblins and other such things? Then I definitely don’t want to be your friend. Do you just not want kids? Cool, I respect your choice! I think for me the biggest key has been that my child free friends are willing to make plans with me in advance so I can arrange child care, or when my kid was younger would come to my place after bed time to hang out.

On my end, I make sure to arrange time to spend with them with out my kid with me, talk about stuff other than my family, and don’t buy into any nonsense about how people should “give grace to your mom friends if they take a month to respond to you” or whatever dumb memes are going around now. I try to be a good friend and be as responsive as I can and not use my status as a mom for an excuse to be a terrible friend.

[Anonymous]

My best friend since middle school is child free by choice, and I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 year old. We text daily and do things like take walks with her pup or go for brunch together (without the kids). We have some standing dates - for example, there is a day in the winter that has significance to us both and we always do something on or near that date. She also comes over sometimes in the evenings, we order in and drink wine. She does like kids but I don’t expect her to engage mine if she doesn’t feel like it. They are around when she comes over (as is my husband) and she’s enjoying chatting them up now that they’re no longer babies, plus she and i get to catch up.

We haven’t done things like take trips together much since I had kids, but we will resume once they are bigger.

[Anonymous]

I think as long as you are flexible it’s not an issue. I do know some CF people are sort of strident and unrealistic in their expectations (expecting moms of babies to go to Cartagena for the weekend and whatnot-sure their are some people who would want to but for the for the vast majority of parents of 2 toddlers that’s a hard pass, for example) just as their are some parents who are rude and only talk abt their kids and treat CF people like second class citizens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have many child free friends. Some I knew before we were thinking about marriage and kids. One close friend I met in my 40s and she is 7ish years older than me. Honestly, I mostly see them without my kids — but that is true of my friends with kids also. My husband and I are older parents so our friend with kids have children that are a decade to two decades older than our children. We aren’t hanging out as gangs of families — too much age difference. We also have always had a lot of childcare so easy to see people.

I much prefer conversations that have nothing to do with my kids when I’m not with them — not that I don’t love them, but I am an entire person that doesn’t need to talk about them all the time.

NP same - one of my closest friends is childfree & single. We still manage to get together for dinner/drinks 1-2x/month. I also enjoy having adult conversations that have nothing to do with kids or parenting.

[Anonymous]

I am at mid 40s and childless. For the most part I find that I never get to see my friends with kids. They would prefer to hang out with other parents with kids.

[Anonymous]

My bestfriend is childless. We are in our mid-late thirties. I have 2 children. She is the godmother of both. Our dynamic feels the same like it was before we had children. We are very close, and my children are very close to her and her husband.