Parents- tell me about your friendships with childfree people

[Anonymous]

I am in my early 30s and almost definitely going to be childfree. Happily married, but don’t feel like kids are the right decision for me for a variety of reasons. I feel lucky to have three close child free friends – two who are local to me. However, many important people in my life are going to have kids, as expected.

I like kids and definitely want to spend time with my friends and their families, but I am worried about the change of friendship that I know happens when people have children.

My best friend is about to give birth and I just want to hear from people about how they navigate friendships with childfree people in their lives. Do you have any tips? Something you do intentionally or not to make it work? Do you even have any CF friends?

I know both parties have to be flexible and consider the needs of the other. I am just thinking about how to navigate this in the future.

[Anonymous]

Monthly lunch

[Anonymous]

Text became main communication after I had kids.

I still have hobbies and want to talk about interesting topics, not everything needs to be about the kids 🤣

[Anonymous]

I had kids starting in my mid 20s so way young for this area and had to navigate a lot of friendships like this.

If you don’t like kids it’s never going to work. If you do like kids please be sure to make it clear to your friends that you love their kids. I had a friend who had a fit because I had to bring my toddler to dinner with us, and it made me so self conscious and gunshy about making plans later.

On the flip side, my childfree friends are such a lifeline to me. They never judge me for mommy stuff (they don’t even know my 2 yr old shouldn’t still be drinking from a bottle for example) and also let me have conversations and experiences from my pre kid days.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids and I met my child free best friend when they were toddlers. Our friendship has developed and lasted the past 11 years. In the early days, we talked on the phone or texted a lot, but also set aside one day a month for a hike or lunch together. Before covid, she'd come over for dinner with the whole family 3-5 times a year and she has good conversations with my kids and dh. We all exchange Christmas gifts. I don't talk more than necessary about my kids and I do not subject her to viewing pictures of them or whatever. She is interested in my kids because they are my kids and she cares about me. She and I have many things in common and as many differences, which makes for fun and lively conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had kids starting in my mid 20s so way young for this area and had to navigate a lot of friendships like this.

If you don’t like kids it’s never going to work. If you do like kids please be sure to make it clear to your friends that you love their kids. I had a friend who had a fit because I had to bring my toddler to dinner with us, and it made me so self conscious and gunshy about making plans later.

On the flip side, my childfree friends are such a lifeline to me. They never judge me for mommy stuff (they don’t even know my 2 yr old shouldn’t still be drinking from a bottle for example) and also let me have conversations and experiences from my pre kid days.

OP here. I appreciate this perspective; thanks for the detail! I love kids (work with them) and very happy to do some kid activities, go to parks, etc. I’m sure I will also want some solo friend time too, but hopefully those desires can be balanced

[Anonymous]

Interested in hearing from a child free late 40s woman about what I did during this time to maintain the connection?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interested in hearing from a child free late 40s woman about what I did during this time to maintain the connection?

100%. Yes. Sorry, I should have phrased the question differently! Definitely interested in experiences between all CF/ parents!

[Anonymous]

One of my best friends and her long-time partner are childfree, and they have been our closest friends throughout parenthood so far (our kids are 4 and 6). They always offer to come to our place and frequently they make an easy meal to bring over, or bring takeout (or DH and I cook or get takeout). Usually they come after my 4YO is already in bed, the 6YO hangs with us for a bit, then one of us puts him to bed and then the 4 adults hang for a few hours.

It's actually been easier to hang with them than with other parents with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids and I met my child free best friend when they were toddlers. Our friendship has developed and lasted the past 11 years. In the early days, we talked on the phone or texted a lot, but also set aside one day a month for a hike or lunch together. Before covid, she'd come over for dinner with the whole family 3-5 times a year and she has good conversations with my kids and dh. We all exchange Christmas gifts. I don't talk more than necessary about my kids and I do not subject her to viewing pictures of them or whatever. She is interested in my kids because they are my kids and she cares about me. She and I have many things in common and as many differences, which makes for fun and lively conversations.

This sounds like an ideal friendship to me. Thanks for sharing. And I love that you met her when you already had kids. Thanks for sharing this! (OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interested in hearing from a child free late 40s woman about what I did during this time to maintain the connection?

100%. Yes. Sorry, I should have phrased the question differently! Definitely interested in experiences between all CF/ parents!

No problem! Just wanted to be sure I was not derailing. For context, I just got home from "girls dinner" for the first time since September with a fantastic group of friends I have had since my mid 20s.

I am going to kind of bullet point some things, ask me any questions!

All of your friends will have different experiences. Some will have more time available, some will have less time. Some will want a break from the kids (i.e talk about anything but) and some will want to bring the kids to lunch. Meet them on their own terms in that regard. Their life has just changed profoundly in ways beyond the logistics but the logistics have changed too. When my friends were first having kids, it was before texting was common place. We arranged a dinner out about annually, maybe twice a year by email for maybe 4 years? all of these years later we are at monthly dinner with annual trips. When the youngest kids were about 5 was when the pace kind of picked back up. We're talk about all all kinds of things and share in challenges with aging parents, career challenges, and yes, their kids! It's wonderful to see them grow up. Just know that it's likely that the intensity/frequency and length of communication and visits will change, but there is tremendous value in maintaining the connection.
Also, an unexpected source of new friends for me during that time was empty nesters I have met through my hobbies. They have time to make friends, and lots of rich life experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had kids starting in my mid 20s so way young for this area and had to navigate a lot of friendships like this.

If you don’t like kids it’s never going to work. If you do like kids please be sure to make it clear to your friends that you love their kids. I had a friend who had a fit because I had to bring my toddler to dinner with us, and it made me so self conscious and gunshy about making plans later.

On the flip side, my childfree friends are such a lifeline to me. They never judge me for mommy stuff (they don’t even know my 2 yr old shouldn’t still be drinking from a bottle for example) and also let me have conversations and experiences from my pre kid days.

OP here. I appreciate this perspective; thanks for the detail! I love kids (work with them) and very happy to do some kid activities, go to parks, etc. I’m sure I will also want some solo friend time too, but hopefully those desires can be balanced

I would say don't give advice on child rearing. No one ever really wants to hear that and, even though you may very well know more than a first-time mom because you work with kids, there's no way for it to come off other than sanctimonious.

Or maybe it's just me. My (childfree for now but wants kids) best friend likes to give a lot of unsolicited advice about child rearing (for example, how to make one's kid into a good eater) and I love her but it drives me up the wall. I find that my friends with kids don't do this. Only my friends without kids. I love spending time with her but I feel like I can't talk about anything family-related because she'll either tell me I'm doing it wrong or, if I vent, say I don't sound happy. So we just stick to non-family topics all the time, which is also fine, but at this stage with young kids, basically my life is work, kids, and house issues! Not much going on over here with hobbies except for cooking and reading.

[Anonymous]

We have a lot of friends who do not have children. They pretty much didn't want to see us with kids very often (understandable) other than for one or two big events per year. During the babysitter years, it was no problem to see them on weekends. Unfortunately, kids' schedules make doing more that that as a couple really difficult for the middle years, so I saw my single girlfriends more than we were able to see our couples friends for a number of years, but even that was far less than they wanted to get together because they have much more time for themselves than we did. Text and email kept things connected. Once you have at least one kid driving, things start to open up again. Then when you are empty nesters you are back on the same time wave.

One thing that really helped maintain the connection during the years when we barely saw some of them (now that I reflect on it) was keeping annual traditions going, whether it is is going to the big game every year, or the annual July 4 party, or the annual holiday party, or your traditional 5K run, or whatever -- keep doing it as a through-thread of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

I’m a parent and I have CF friends ... some of them don’t live close by, but generally I think most time I spend with them is without my kids. Girls nights, out to dinner. Sometimes I see them at family friendly BBQ’s (pre covid). I think generally it’s pretty easy- I don’t want to talk about my kids all the time, I have a life outside of them and passions and interests, so I make a concerted effort to have a wide range of conversation topics when i am with CF friends.
That said, when I became a parent I had to also prioritize certain friendships, so regardless if they had children or not, my closest friends get my attention and the periphery people I don’t invest as much in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a lot of friends who do not have children. They pretty much didn't want to see us with kids very often (understandable) other than for one or two big events per year. During the babysitter years, it was no problem to see them on weekends. Unfortunately, kids' schedules make doing more that that as a couple really difficult for the middle years, so I saw my single girlfriends more than we were able to see our couples friends for a number of years, but even that was far less than they wanted to get together because they have much more time for themselves than we did. Text and email kept things connected. Once you have at least one kid driving, things start to open up again. Then when you are empty nesters you are back on the same time wave.

One thing that really helped maintain the connection during the years when we barely saw some of them (now that I reflect on it) was keeping annual traditions going, whether it is is going to the big game every year, or the annual July 4 party, or the annual holiday party, or your traditional 5K run, or whatever -- keep doing it as a through-thread of the relationship.

OP here. I would like to establish that (the annual traditions). One of my friends has a 3 year old and I've barely seen her. She invited me to the birthday party last year (right before COVID hit). My husband and I went, it was at a kids place, and we were the only CF people there. I talked to her a bit but it just felt like we did not fit in not having a kid. She was overwhelmed, doing the party and seeing everyone. It was not enjoyable for us and we left early. So I think going forward we'll prioritize smaller hangouts or at least going to events where we'll know other people.