Why are some woman okay with being “the other woman”?

[Anonymous]

The women I've known who do this have really low self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

That's you. There are many that actively look for 'mate poaching'. I don't know why. I mean...they are getting a liar and a cheater, but they want the wife's lifestyle.

Maybe tha'ts the trick. I can provide myself with the "wife's lifestyle" so have never felt the need to "poach". Having the "wife's lifestyle" without the boorish cheating husband is the real win.

Well, honey, many wives can support themselves. A good deal these days are more successful than their husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The women I've known who do this have really low self-esteem.

+100

I know a chronic, repeat, extramarital offender and she has abysmal self-esteem. She was fat as a kid and didn't get along with her parents. She is also borderline. I am convinced. I can't be friends with her anymore because of the lying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the 80/20 dating rule is true. And that top 20% of men are always married.

Top 20% in what? Would argue that if they are married then they shouldn’t be included in your dating calculation.

some combination of looks money and charm, it's 20% of men, so any balance you prefer is likely in the mix

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

That's you. There are many that actively look for 'mate poaching'. I don't know why. I mean...they are getting a liar and a cheater, but they want the wife's lifestyle.

Maybe tha'ts the trick. I can provide myself with the "wife's lifestyle" so have never felt the need to "poach". Having the "wife's lifestyle" without the boorish cheating husband is the real win.

Well, honey, many wives can support themselves. A good deal these days are more successful than their husbands.

I was responding to the PP who said that women do this because they envy the "wife's lifestyle" thus intimating that the husband provides that lifestyle. My comment agrees with you, though I would not call it success to have a spouse who was cheating on me.

[Anonymous]

So, married now for over 15 years. I would imagine it’s because they get the fun and excitement and don’t have to deal with the crap.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, it's one of two reasons:

1) They're interested in some low-commitment sex, they're getting it, the other person's marriage isn't their problem, so it works for them.
2) They have low self esteem. They feel that this person is the best they can do, they might even feel "lucky" that they got someone "this good" even though in reality - these men are not good, and they are basically by definition, being cheated on as well (presumably these men are also still sleeping with their wives, at least on occasion). If you're listening to her "vent" (ie, she's not content with the arrangement) it's more likely this option.

And, self esteem problems, generally, don't actually correlate to how "good" a person is. You can't "successful career and pretty" your way out of a self-esteem problem, just as people who are objectively not super attractive and don't have great jobs can still have fine self-esteem. It's more complex than that. Because true self-esteem arrives from a position of believing in your inherent worth - it's not "earned" through living well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, it's one of two reasons:

1) They're interested in some low-commitment sex, they're getting it, the other person's marriage isn't their problem, so it works for them.
2) They have low self esteem. They feel that this person is the best they can do, they might even feel "lucky" that they got someone "this good" even though in reality - these men are not good, and they are basically by definition, being cheated on as well (presumably these men are also still sleeping with their wives, at least on occasion). If you're listening to her "vent" (ie, she's not content with the arrangement) it's more likely this option.

And, self esteem problems, generally, don't actually correlate to how "good" a person is. You can't "successful career and pretty" your way out of a self-esteem problem, just as people who are objectively not super attractive and don't have great jobs can still have fine self-esteem. It's more complex than that. Because true self-esteem arrives from a position of believing in your inherent worth - it's not "earned" through living well.

Ooo, I forgot one!!

3) The "thrill" of doing something "bad" - generally more of a rebellious phase than anything else.

[Anonymous]

I've read through the responses and have a sincere question: would the analyzations here be the same if the cheating man is a celebrity of some sort like a famous actor, NBA player or national politician (whose politics you agree with)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

For some weird reason, you clearly feel you're superior to his wife, who is there only to wash his underwear and buy his mother's christmas presents. You, on the other hand, are a great free spirit...something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends is now doing this for the second time. I don’t get it because she could do so much better. She’s pretty, great career, etc. yet she finds herself being the other woman for now a second time. Please help me understand. Finding it more difficult to hear her vent because I just don’t understand it.

I mean the obvious answer is that she falls for men above her grade, and men of that caliber are only willing to sleep with her but not marry her. For whatever reason, she thinks that men of her grade (available and interested in marrying her) are beneath her. Many women start from the position of overestimating their worth as a partner but most usually adjust their vision in time.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all the replies, but my take is, maybe, the men are powerful/rich/famous? And she can't someone of the same caliber who isn't taken?
I'm just speculating here. But, why would Monica Lewinsky get involved with Clinton while there were so many available dudes out there for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

For some weird reason, you clearly feel you're superior to his wife, who is there only to wash his underwear and buy his mother's christmas presents. You, on the other hand, are a great free spirit...something?

Not at all superior, just at a juncture where I can choose how I spend my time. I choose not to spend it on spousal duties for a man, so if another woman wanted to do that, awesome, I would not feel superior to her I would feel grateful to her. Anyway, I'm not sleeping with married men, so its a non issue. Was just presenting a different opinion than the "low self esteem, thrill of the danger, believes its LOOOVE, wants your man" narriative so often spun about the "other woman".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends is now doing this for the second time. I don’t get it because she could do so much better. She’s pretty, great career, etc. yet she finds herself being the other woman for now a second time. Please help me understand. Finding it more difficult to hear her vent because I just don’t understand it.

I mean the obvious answer is that she falls for men above her grade, and men of that caliber are only willing to sleep with her but not marry her. For whatever reason, she thinks that men of her grade (available and interested in marrying her) are beneath her. Many women start from the position of overestimating their worth as a partner but most usually adjust their vision in time.

Grade? What is this, India? What caste system do you live in? Do you mean "rich"? Because a cheaters "grade" would be low, in my book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my good friends is now doing this for the second time. I don’t get it because she could do so much better. She’s pretty, great career, etc. yet she finds herself being the other woman for now a second time. Please help me understand. Finding it more difficult to hear her vent because I just don’t understand it.

Low self esteem.

Daddy issues.