Why are some woman okay with being “the other woman”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get it -- but people have affairs, get divorced, get remarried all the time.

I don't think the blame is on the affair partner -- but that's an unpopular opinion on this board. I think the blame is on the person who is married.

Agree, however, if a person is seeking out married people, then there is a commitment or other issue going on internally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you will get any thoughtful answers about the specific mental health struggles that cause someone to be a secret partner to a married person. I suspect it's a combination of feeling special, enjoying the excitement of sneaking around, and the combination of those making her feel like it's him and her against the world... That nobody will understand their love. That kind of feeling is like a drug and is very hard up let go of. This is especially true when you have any kind of self-hatred or worthlessness feelings. The "special" feeling masks the pain until eventually the shame takes over. But then the worthlessness feeling is even more profound and so back to craving that "special" feeling again. It's a cycle of mental health crisis, addiction, fallout, repeat.

There is a lot of self-delusion too. They walk around appearing to be 'oh so happy and together', oh so charitable and decent...it masks a sh*tload of dysfunction.

I don't know how anyone hidden and not take out in the real world and used for a 30-40 min session in a hotel or back of a car feels 'special'. That is some serious self-delusion and willingness to believe lies like 'you are my soulmate. i would leave my wife but I can't do that to my kids'. blah, blah, blah...rinse, repeat.

It's dysfunction meeting dysfunction in a wonderfully dramatic histrionic personality disordered world.

Women with histrionic personality were found to have significantly lower sexual assertiveness, greater erotophobic attitudes toward sex, lower self-esteem, and greater marital dissatisfaction. Women in the histrionic group were also found to evidence significantly greater sexual preoccupation, lower sexual desire, more sexual boredom, greater orgasmic dysfunction, and were more likely to enter into an extramarital affair than their counterparts.

[Anonymous]

I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you will get any thoughtful answers about the specific mental health struggles that cause someone to be a secret partner to a married person. I suspect it's a combination of feeling special, enjoying the excitement of sneaking around, and the combination of those making her feel like it's him and her against the world... That nobody will understand their love. That kind of feeling is like a drug and is very hard up let go of. This is especially true when you have any kind of self-hatred or worthlessness feelings. The "special" feeling masks the pain until eventually the shame takes over. But then the worthlessness feeling is even more profound and so back to craving that "special" feeling again. It's a cycle of mental health crisis, addiction, fallout, repeat.

Smartest post on this thread.

"Special" feeling, craving feeling young again, craving feeling unencumbered by responsibility when overwhelmed, wanting to feel like someone thinks you are good at something when your partner can't see it.

It takes a strong moral compass to walk away from that and reinvest in your flawed spouse. Most people do not have that much integrity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get it -- but people have affairs, get divorced, get remarried all the time.

I don't think the blame is on the affair partner -- but that's an unpopular opinion on this board. I think the blame is on the person who is married.

Anyone knowingly screwing a married person is not blameless. I know it's an unpopular opinion in the OW/OM world. They didn't take vows, but what they are doing is taking part in harming an innocent person/family. A decent person wouldn't put themselves in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

Any woman can unknowingly sleep with a married men, because men lie and it's not always apparent.

However, when your type is married men, there lies the issue. Perfect example in the bolded part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

That's you. There are many that actively look for 'mate poaching'. I don't know why. I mean...they are getting a liar and a cheater, but they want the wife's lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Dysfunction, low self-esteem and mental illness...just off the top of my head and google results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dysfunction, low self-esteem and mental illness...just off the top of my head and google results.

Exit affairs. Looking for a way out of their marriage also tops the list.

[Anonymous]

I wrote a long post in the other current thread about affair partners about this very topic and for some inexplicable reason Jeff deleted it.

The short version is that many women are initially tricked into engaging with a married man, then they are often lied to and gaslighted as much as the wife is and they stay involved because love is often blind and stupid as a great many posts on this board from complaining wives - and husbands - well establishes.

After a very brief involvement with a married man who lied to me about his marital status, out of curiosity I found myself at an Internet board called The Other Woman (it is now defunct) and spent a few years posting there. Initially I went to learn about how APs justify participating in infidelity, but I ended up staying for the general discussion boards which were very good. I learned a lot reading the relationship boards and most of it was sad.

Other women/men aren’t monsters. People are complicated. Some people are terrible liars and cheats who take advantage of those of us who are by nature very trusting. Those of you being cheated on would probably be more upset about how your spouse is depicting you to the AP than you are about the actual sex.

For the record, my mother confided in me her infidelity and my father’s as well when I was a young teen. Obvious emotional incest and a totally inappropriate thing to do, and it made me distrust committed relationships my whole life. I’m no defender of infidelity. I have refused to be the person enabling a cheater on many occasions when that person’s status was known to me, and I was (and remain) devastated that I slept with a married man unknowingly.

All that said, given the high rates of infidelity it seems like monogamy isn’t working all that well in our society anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've never slept with a married man, to my knowledge. That said, the sexism and judgement here is hilarious.

If I were to sleep with a married man it would not be because I thought he loved me and I loved the thrill, wouldnt be because of my daddy issues or deep emotional wounds......it would be because I wanted him, physically. I wanted to have sex with him and take him as a lover.

I'd love him going back home to get his ego massaged, his underwear washed, and his mothers christmas present bought from his wife, I have no time for such things.

That's you. There are many that actively look for 'mate poaching'. I don't know why. I mean...they are getting a liar and a cheater, but they want the wife's lifestyle.

Maybe tha'ts the trick. I can provide myself with the "wife's lifestyle" so have never felt the need to "poach". Having the "wife's lifestyle" without the boorish cheating husband is the real win.

[Anonymous]

Some guesses:
- fear of emotional vulnerability - committing to someone who is unavailable is unconscious way of never being fully seen
- early childhood modeling of secret keeping and betrayal of self and others. Now showing up unconsciously as individual recreating what is familiar
- poor boundaries early on in relationship that slip-slid into emotional entanglement and then physical relationship
- hedonism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because the 80/20 dating rule is true. And that top 20% of men are always married.

Top 20% in what? Would argue that if they are married then they shouldn’t be included in your dating calculation.

20% of the men sleep with 80% of the women. Married or single, a hound will always be a hound.

This makes no sense. Top 20% according to what? A man who is sleeping with multiple women, regardless of how nice his face or body or checkbook are, is not top 20% to me!

It's a stat populated by incels, ignore it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a long post in the other current thread about affair partners about this very topic and for some inexplicable reason Jeff deleted it.

The short version is that many women are initially tricked into engaging with a married man, then they are often lied to and gaslighted as much as the wife is and they stay involved because love is often blind and stupid as a great many posts on this board from complaining wives - and husbands - well establishes.

After a very brief involvement with a married man who lied to me about his marital status, out of curiosity I found myself at an Internet board called The Other Woman (it is now defunct) and spent a few years posting there. Initially I went to learn about how APs justify participating in infidelity, but I ended up staying for the general discussion boards which were very good. I learned a lot reading the relationship boards and most of it was sad.

Other women/men aren’t monsters. People are complicated. Some people are terrible liars and cheats who take advantage of those of us who are by nature very trusting. Those of you being cheated on would probably be more upset about how your spouse is depicting you to the AP than you are about the actual sex.

For the record, my mother confided in me her infidelity and my father’s as well when I was a young teen. Obvious emotional incest and a totally inappropriate thing to do, and it made me distrust committed relationships my whole life. I’m no defender of infidelity. I have refused to be the person enabling a cheater on many occasions when that person’s status was known to me, and I was (and remain) devastated that I slept with a married man unknowingly.

All that said, given the high rates of infidelity it seems like monogamy isn’t working all that well in our society anymore.

Nowadays married people actively seek out married people. They aren't being duped. There is an entire business to get these people together and if you go on and read the messages from these people it is absolutely disgusting. And, many don't think they are deceiving their spouses or being disrespectful because they don't say a bad word about them to their AP. They think that shows loyalty.

There are some sick people out there.

[Anonymous]

Sex.