Why are some woman okay with being “the other woman”?

[Anonymous]

Former AP here.

I was an AP for two years and hashed the whole thing out with a therapist for a year after. Here's what conclusions I arrived at through therapy:

1. Fear of commitment, despite theoretically wanting commitment. I wanted to be chosen for commitment as someone's significant other, but wasn't willing to put up with the risks and vulnerability necessary to actually find it. Instead of making myself vulnerable and open to rejection, I held onto this affair with the forgone conclusion that I was not the wife. Counterintuitive, yes, but it was a way to have sexual relations and experiment sexually without being on the edge about it. What's more, was that when I would date "for real" and things looked headed towards commitment, I'd get cold feet, and think "WHOA, is this it? This is the person I'm going to be with?" and shy away.

2. Fear of vulnerability and rejection based on who I am Expounding on point 1. One might ask, why would being an affair partner be less vulnerable than being rejected by a casual date? The answer was the married man was someone I knew. I was one of those hidden-in-plain-sight APs. This person already knew me well and I had nothing to hide. What I would get insecure about would be exposing all kinds of personal details and background to a potential partner only to be rejected or used for only sex. This person already knew me.

3. Ego and narcissism My words, not the therapist's. The married man I slept with was 40(!) years older than me. He was so elated and ecstatic that he could sleep with someone with a body like mine, and he showed that. He was all give and no take, in the bedroom. He was all about pleasing me, doing whatever I wanted, putting me first. I was NOT that sexually experienced and he was okay with that. Men my own age expect more. They watch porn, or they've had more sexually experienced girlfriends and they'd be quicker to write me off as sexually incompatible if I wasn't into everything right away.

4. Dissatisfaction with the sexual approaches of other partners and the "reality" of millennial sex life This had more to do with the generational divide than with leagues or grades or anything like that. This married man was less conventionally attractive than the age-appropriate men I had dated, but his approach was more appealing to me. He was more willing to engage in the trappings of the classical erotic setting. We'd get dressed up and always look our best. There would be candles, music, hours in the jacuzzi, ambience. There was no settling into a Netflix-and-Chill type of setting. I wasn't expected to share a bathroom with him, lounge around in sweatpants and play video games, or whatever unglamorous reality that actual partners see. It was never something like, two of us watching a game and covered in food crumbs and rolling over saying "wanna have sex?" It was more like scenes from erotic French films or something.

5. Exhilaration and thrill over comfort Self-explanitory.

6. Not *actually* wanting to share my space with anyone Relates back to #1. I was with someone but would never actually need to let them in and share my life with them. I was always free, I would have my privacy, I wouldn't need to make any compromises for them or change my way of life in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former AP here.

I was an AP for two years and hashed the whole thing out with a therapist for a year after. Here's what conclusions I arrived at through therapy:

1. Fear of commitment, despite theoretically wanting commitment. I wanted to be chosen for commitment as someone's significant other, but wasn't willing to put up with the risks and vulnerability necessary to actually find it. Instead of making myself vulnerable and open to rejection, I held onto this affair with the forgone conclusion that I was not the wife. Counterintuitive, yes, but it was a way to have sexual relations and experiment sexually without being on the edge about it. What's more, was that when I would date "for real" and things looked headed towards commitment, I'd get cold feet, and think "WHOA, is this it? This is the person I'm going to be with?" and shy away.

2. Fear of vulnerability and rejection based on who I am Expounding on point 1. One might ask, why would being an affair partner be less vulnerable than being rejected by a casual date? The answer was the married man was someone I knew. I was one of those hidden-in-plain-sight APs. This person already knew me well and I had nothing to hide. What I would get insecure about would be exposing all kinds of personal details and background to a potential partner only to be rejected or used for only sex. This person already knew me.

3. Ego and narcissism My words, not the therapist's. The married man I slept with was 40(!) years older than me. He was so elated and ecstatic that he could sleep with someone with a body like mine, and he showed that. He was all give and no take, in the bedroom. He was all about pleasing me, doing whatever I wanted, putting me first. I was NOT that sexually experienced and he was okay with that. Men my own age expect more. They watch porn, or they've had more sexually experienced girlfriends and they'd be quicker to write me off as sexually incompatible if I wasn't into everything right away.

4. Dissatisfaction with the sexual approaches of other partners and the "reality" of millennial sex life This had more to do with the generational divide than with leagues or grades or anything like that. This married man was less conventionally attractive than the age-appropriate men I had dated, but his approach was more appealing to me. He was more willing to engage in the trappings of the classical erotic setting. We'd get dressed up and always look our best. There would be candles, music, hours in the jacuzzi, ambience. There was no settling into a Netflix-and-Chill type of setting. I wasn't expected to share a bathroom with him, lounge around in sweatpants and play video games, or whatever unglamorous reality that actual partners see. It was never something like, two of us watching a game and covered in food crumbs and rolling over saying "wanna have sex?" It was more like scenes from erotic French films or something.

5. Exhilaration and thrill over comfort Self-explanitory.

6. Not *actually* wanting to share my space with anyone Relates back to #1. I was with someone but would never actually need to let them in and share my life with them. I was always free, I would have my privacy, I wouldn't need to make any compromises for them or change my way of life in any way.

And zero concern for the women and children who would ultimately be harmed by what you were participating in.

You forgot #7

7. Selfish and no morals/integrity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former AP here.

I was an AP for two years and hashed the whole thing out with a therapist for a year after. Here's what conclusions I arrived at through therapy:

1. Fear of commitment, despite theoretically wanting commitment. I wanted to be chosen for commitment as someone's significant other, but wasn't willing to put up with the risks and vulnerability necessary to actually find it. Instead of making myself vulnerable and open to rejection, I held onto this affair with the forgone conclusion that I was not the wife. Counterintuitive, yes, but it was a way to have sexual relations and experiment sexually without being on the edge about it. What's more, was that when I would date "for real" and things looked headed towards commitment, I'd get cold feet, and think "WHOA, is this it? This is the person I'm going to be with?" and shy away.

2. Fear of vulnerability and rejection based on who I am Expounding on point 1. One might ask, why would being an affair partner be less vulnerable than being rejected by a casual date? The answer was the married man was someone I knew. I was one of those hidden-in-plain-sight APs. This person already knew me well and I had nothing to hide. What I would get insecure about would be exposing all kinds of personal details and background to a potential partner only to be rejected or used for only sex. This person already knew me.

3. Ego and narcissism My words, not the therapist's. The married man I slept with was 40(!) years older than me. He was so elated and ecstatic that he could sleep with someone with a body like mine, and he showed that. He was all give and no take, in the bedroom. He was all about pleasing me, doing whatever I wanted, putting me first. I was NOT that sexually experienced and he was okay with that. Men my own age expect more. They watch porn, or they've had more sexually experienced girlfriends and they'd be quicker to write me off as sexually incompatible if I wasn't into everything right away.

4. Dissatisfaction with the sexual approaches of other partners and the "reality" of millennial sex life This had more to do with the generational divide than with leagues or grades or anything like that. This married man was less conventionally attractive than the age-appropriate men I had dated, but his approach was more appealing to me. He was more willing to engage in the trappings of the classical erotic setting. We'd get dressed up and always look our best. There would be candles, music, hours in the jacuzzi, ambience. There was no settling into a Netflix-and-Chill type of setting. I wasn't expected to share a bathroom with him, lounge around in sweatpants and play video games, or whatever unglamorous reality that actual partners see. It was never something like, two of us watching a game and covered in food crumbs and rolling over saying "wanna have sex?" It was more like scenes from erotic French films or something.

5. Exhilaration and thrill over comfort Self-explanitory.

6. Not *actually* wanting to share my space with anyone Relates back to #1. I was with someone but would never actually need to let them in and share my life with them. I was always free, I would have my privacy, I wouldn't need to make any compromises for them or change my way of life in any way.

And zero concern for the women and children who would ultimately be harmed by what you were participating in.

You forgot #7

7. Selfish and no morals/integrity

She forgot #8 too

8. No empathy for others (aka wife and kids)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both the cheaters and the other women/men have mental health problems. Usually a trauma creates this. It requires deep work for them to understand why they are comfortable with cheating and lying and hurting others. I am fairly confident the woman my husband cheated with saw him as a replacement for her Dad. It is very immature behavior. Obviously people can change if they want but there is no justification. As hurt as I have been, I would never want what is going on with the OW to be my life.

This is a common theme.

[Anonymous]

When will these threads end. No one cares about your marriage. It's not mean but true.

Invest in the health and wellbeing of your relationship.