Changed relationship after grandma’s estate plans changed?
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Anonymous
| Is this a life-altering amount of money we’re talking about? |
Anonymous
| Any chance someone in her neighborhood has cozied up to her during the pandemic and is helping her out a great deal and giving company and check ins. Even precovid we had someone do this with a great uncle. They turned him against his family. The got him to write all family out of his will and leave everything to them. Family care little about being cut out of the will, but miss him and would like to reconnect before he passes. |
Anonymous
| Even if you don’t care about her money, it is still hurtful for someone to tell you specifically that they’re going to do something/give you something and then for no apparent reason change their mind about it. It leaves you wondering what you did wrong or why they changed their mind which puts the relationship in a tense place. Like other posters said, though, in this case assuming your grandmother is quite elderly, I’d assume some cognitive decline/senility may be the cause of this change. I wouldn’t stop seeing or talking to my grandmother over this for sure but I would be hurt by it. |
Anonymous
|
I wish OP would come back and tell us who will inherit the money when her grandmother dies without a will.
Gotta assume that GM never followed through after the first positive will discussion. |
Anonymous
| Maybe something happened when GM tried to finalize the will as discussed? |
Anonymous
This. I know of situation where this was happening. Woman cozied up to rich lonely old lady and then milked the lady for all she was worth. Not sure how long it went on, as I didn't approve and distanced myself once I learned this is how woman was funding her son's private school education. Anyway, there are people out there who take advantage of the elderly. |
Anonymous
No, these were gifts, not in a will. I meant that even though I'm sure my child was forgotten, I didn't say anything. I also would never say anything about an expected inheritance. |
Anonymous
Np. It's hurtful. You can try to rise above the hurt, but it's difficult. Please note "for no reason" that op knows of. My fil did this and it made my husband feel like his father must have decided he was no longer worthy. It definitely caused an awkwardness between them. |
Anonymous
But would you feel hurt if your grandparent promised you something then later told you essentially "you know what, nevermind, you're not really worth the effort." And wouldn't give a reason? This is different from what you're describing. It's really hard when this happens, because decent people, like op, just have to suck it up. Can't confront the grandma or even gently broach the subject lest you come off as someone who has, as you put it, conditioned their love on money. So you just have to deal with the emotions that come with being told that someone you love decided, without explanation, to take back a promise. |
Anonymous
| Is it possible that grandma has been feeling isolated and abandoned throughout the pandemic and this was her Hail Mary to try and spur you girls into making more of an effort? I’m not faulting you. I just wonder if she harbors resentment if you have failed to visit her for months or even a year. I feel like a lot of elderly people I know don’t seem to think Covid is a big deal or think seeing family is just fine. So maybe by announcing that she’s no longer willing things to you and your children she’s trying to get you to step up, not realizing it’s backfiring. |
Anonymous
| I have something similar happening and it's hard not to want to back away when the person takes the only thing they have to hurt you. It's a strange feeling. I get the feeling that someone in the family is making this happen/getting the will changed but I'm not the sort to start a fight. Just feel sad that this person is valuing differently (not based on love/behavior/help). It's behind the scenes so nothing I can do in my case. In your case- as she involved you/told you, I think I'd have asked if she was ok/asked more questions/asked if we had hurt her/somehow not been there for her. |
Anonymous
| Wow, you and your sister were really in it for the money. So gross. |
Anonymous
Yes, watch out. This happened in our family, too. Hopefully it's not the case in OP's grandmother's case. Great-uncle was a CPA, but in his last few years (in his 90s), he felt that he could no longer handle his own finances so he hired a bookkeeper. His second wife passed first, but he left two children from his first marriage and three widowed/single sisters. The bookkeeper ingratiated herself with a few family members (e.g., his niece/my mother's sister who was a sucker who fell for scam after scam) while he was still alive. The bookkeeper didn't fully isolate him from family, but she was suddenly involved in everything he did (e.g., if my grandmother talked to him by phone, she was always there even though he lived in assisted living and didn't need help besides his finances). I suspect that she had POA. After he passed, it turned out that he left everything to the bookkeeper in a new will. We weren't expecting anything and felt bad for his children but kind of understood why he may not have left anything to his children or grandchildren (one child was almost definitely illegitimate and the other likely was also, but this was never publicly acknowledged and it wasn't their fault), but one sister who he was very close to and who really could have used a token amount was devastated because he had always helped her out and he had previously promised or implied that he would continue to take care of her after he passed. This happened again when my grandmother left half her estate to each daughter, then my mother's sister unexpectedly passed shortly after her, and then my aunt's elderly husband died shortly after that. The money my grandmother left my aunt was supposed to pass back to my mother after they passed -- if any remained -- because they didn't have kids. Instead, after my aunt passed, mom's BIL ran though most of the money that was in the trust and racked up huge debts, but kept a large amount of money (enough for 20+ years of retirement) in my aunt's IRA and converted it into his IRA first. Who was the beneficiary of the IRA (which could not be touched for any of the debts)? His accountant. In his last few months, unbeknownst to us, my uncle couldn't pay his bills but the IRA remained untouched. My mother was stuck trying to pay off his estate's debts using what very little money remained in the trust and my aunt and uncle's estates, while the accountant got a significant windfall Scot-free. I also understand the sting of being promised something and then having it taken away; it's much worse than if it had never been promised. One grandmother (same as above) didn't leave me anything and I didn't expect anything, but the other made a big production of leaving me a token amount of money (enough to buy an economy car) in her new will. When she passed, that will could suspiciously not be located -- and no one (father, aunt, cousins) seemed to recall it ever existing -- and I wasn't left anything. It would have been fine had she never said anything about it -- I wouldn't have expected anything -- but it's really painful and unkind to promise/create an expectation and then break the promise/not follow through. At least in my case, I choose to believe that my grandmother really meant to leave me the money. Were I in OP's shoes's, I probably wouldn't break off contact or allow it to change my relationship with her much, but I would be hurt and suspicious. |
Anonymous
| Promised and taken away? Yep, we’ve got this in our family too. And if she outlives my father, I will remember this as she needs funding and care. She has informed me in writing that something she has promised my daughter since birth is now being given to someone else. Even if it were to be given to my daughter again, it would have the value of a blood diamond. |
Anonymous
Wow. So you've decided to "pull back" from Grandma because you've found out she isn't leaving you her money? You're casting shade on your sister and then you're following suit. And you want validation for that? You've got b@lls, I'll give you that. Your grandmother would be much better off without you if this is your attitude. Yuck, you sound like a piece of work. |