Changed relationship after grandma’s estate plans changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any chance someone in her neighborhood has cozied up to her during the pandemic and is helping her out a great deal and giving company and check ins. Even precovid we had someone do this with a great uncle. They turned him against his family. The got him to write all family out of his will and leave everything to them. Family care little about being cut out of the will, but miss him and would like to reconnect before he passes.

This.

I know of situation where this was happening. Woman cozied up to rich lonely old lady and then milked the lady for all she was worth. Not sure how long it went on, as I didn't approve and distanced myself once I learned this is how woman was funding her son's private school education. Anyway, there are people out there who take advantage of the elderly.

Yes, watch out. This happened in our family, too. Hopefully it's not the case in OP's grandmother's case.

Great-uncle was a CPA, but in his last few years (in his 90s), he felt that he could no longer handle his own finances so he hired a bookkeeper. His second wife passed first, but he left two children from his first marriage and three widowed/single sisters. The bookkeeper ingratiated herself with a few family members (e.g., his niece/my mother's sister who was a sucker who fell for scam after scam) while he was still alive. The bookkeeper didn't fully isolate him from family, but she was suddenly involved in everything he did (e.g., if my grandmother talked to him by phone, she was always there even though he lived in assisted living and didn't need help besides his finances). I suspect that she had POA.

After he passed, it turned out that he left everything to the bookkeeper in a new will. We weren't expecting anything and felt bad for his children but kind of understood why he may not have left anything to his children or grandchildren (one child was almost definitely illegitimate and the other likely was also, but this was never publicly acknowledged and it wasn't their fault), but one sister who he was very close to and who really could have used a token amount was devastated because he had always helped her out and he had previously promised or implied that he would continue to take care of her after he passed.

This happened again when my grandmother left half her estate to each daughter, then my mother's sister unexpectedly passed shortly after her, and then my aunt's elderly husband died shortly after that. The money my grandmother left my aunt was supposed to pass back to my mother after they passed -- if any remained -- because they didn't have kids. Instead, after my aunt passed, mom's BIL ran though most of the money that was in the trust and racked up huge debts, but kept a large amount of money (enough for 20+ years of retirement) in my aunt's IRA and converted it into his IRA first. Who was the beneficiary of the IRA (which could not be touched for any of the debts)? His accountant. In his last few months, unbeknownst to us, my uncle couldn't pay his bills but the IRA remained untouched. My mother was stuck trying to pay off his estate's debts using what very little money remained in the trust and my aunt and uncle's estates, while the accountant got a significant windfall Scot-free.

I also understand the sting of being promised something and then having it taken away; it's much worse than if it had never been promised. One grandmother (same as above) didn't leave me anything and I didn't expect anything, but the other made a big production of leaving me a token amount of money (enough to buy an economy car) in her new will. When she passed, that will could suspiciously not be located -- and no one (father, aunt, cousins) seemed to recall it ever existing -- and I wasn't left anything. It would have been fine had she never said anything about it -- I wouldn't have expected anything -- but it's really painful and unkind to promise/create an expectation and then break the promise/not follow through.

At least in my case, I choose to believe that my grandmother really meant to leave me the money. Were I in OP's shoes's, I probably wouldn't break off contact or allow it to change my relationship with her much, but I would be hurt and suspicious.

I am sorry for these things that happened but in the underlined example- this is not how wills work. Once willed- it becomes the property of that decedent- then generally on to the spouse if no will (and especially if no one like kids to try to contest). It sucks he got it and basically gave it up to the rotten accountant but a husband benefitting from what was legally his wife's estate (note that it is no longer his MIL's estate at that point) is standard. If aunt didn't want this, she could have willed it back to her sister.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Are you her only heirs? If so, it varies state by state but it will likely still go to you all anyway. If not, why do you feel more entitled to the money than her other heirs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps a test that you both failed?

Exactly what I was thinking. If she's as sharp as OP says, she may be testing their loyalty and priorities.

Or, she planned to manage her estate, but now finds it to be an overwhelming process.

OP, did you discuss it with her? Ask if she needed help since it can be a daunting task? You have nothing to lose (literally) by lending an ear, offering help not just for inheritance, but house responsibilities, healthcare etc. She may not feel as motivated or sharp as she appears, and could be experiencing mild memory loss or depression. Be kind.

Both OP and her sister failed this test. Imagine thinking "we let her hold our babies and come to family events, now she's playing games with my money?" is a sympathetic position to take. Good grief.

Exactly. They seem pretty dreadful so I'm glad their grandmother figured it out and could plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the most bone-chilling threads I have ever read.

I can't imagine cutting off my grandmother b/c she changed her will.

Yikes.

+1

[Anonymous]

I’m glad I don’t have wealthy relatives. I loved them solely for who they were and they always knew that.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. As some have mentioned it's different when someone promises you something and takes it back. That is pretty cruel and can be highly manipulative if the person is of sound mind.

I have been there for my parents for over a decade for emergencies, hospital stays and endless visits. I had always been told I would inherit, but not how much and that was fine. As one parent declined more and had more emergencies the other one started lashing out, but refused to hire help (despite what I later found out was millions and millions), get therapy or go on meds. As things got worse I pushed for evaluations and more supports and I became the recipient of incredibly painful verbal abuse. I backed away some and over time was told because I backed away i would be losing millions in inheritance.

I continued to be there with major boundaries not for money, but because there was some love there once. I endured many money threats and made it clear that I would no longer listen to these manipulations. I said your money is your money to do with as you please, but I do not want to hear anymore about all the ways I am being punished with your money.

One parent has since passed and when the living one feels happy I get all these promises of what money will be mine and when I am scapegoated I am told all the money that won't be mine. Keep in mind I have siblings who rarely help who aren't dealing with these threats. I refuse to engage with any of it.

I plan to give my kids money while I am living and make thing equal when I pass. I will do whatever i can to safeguard from someone taking advantage and I will live in continued care from 70s onward and just hope my kids visit and enjoy my company. I refuse to be a monster with my demands, I pray I don't become abusive with age and I hope I will agree to medication if I become nutty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. As some have mentioned it's different when someone promises you something and takes it back. That is pretty cruel and can be highly manipulative if the person is of sound mind.

I have been there for my parents for over a decade for emergencies, hospital stays and endless visits. I had always been told I would inherit, but not how much and that was fine. As one parent declined more and had more emergencies the other one started lashing out, but refused to hire help (despite what I later found out was millions and millions), get therapy or go on meds. As things got worse I pushed for evaluations and more supports and I became the recipient of incredibly painful verbal abuse. I backed away some and over time was told because I backed away i would be losing millions in inheritance.

I continued to be there with major boundaries not for money, but because there was some love there once. I endured many money threats and made it clear that I would no longer listen to these manipulations. I said your money is your money to do with as you please, but I do not want to hear anymore about all the ways I am being punished with your money.

One parent has since passed and when the living one feels happy I get all these promises of what money will be mine and when I am scapegoated I am told all the money that won't be mine. Keep in mind I have siblings who rarely help who aren't dealing with these threats. I refuse to engage with any of it.

I plan to give my kids money while I am living and make thing equal when I pass. I will do whatever i can to safeguard from someone taking advantage and I will live in continued care from 70s onward and just hope my kids visit and enjoy my company. I refuse to be a monster with my demands, I pray I don't become abusive with age and I hope I will agree to medication if I become nutty.

That's terrible of your parent to try to manipulate like that. Is the living parent of sound mind? Can you talk to them about it? Just tell him that you spend time with him and help him because he's your parent, not because of the money. And tell him any time he feels like telling you you're disinherited, to please just keep it to himself because you just don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. As some have mentioned it's different when someone promises you something and takes it back. That is pretty cruel and can be highly manipulative if the person is of sound mind.

I have been there for my parents for over a decade for emergencies, hospital stays and endless visits. I had always been told I would inherit, but not how much and that was fine. As one parent declined more and had more emergencies the other one started lashing out, but refused to hire help (despite what I later found out was millions and millions), get therapy or go on meds. As things got worse I pushed for evaluations and more supports and I became the recipient of incredibly painful verbal abuse. I backed away some and over time was told because I backed away i would be losing millions in inheritance.

I continued to be there with major boundaries not for money, but because there was some love there once. I endured many money threats and made it clear that I would no longer listen to these manipulations. I said your money is your money to do with as you please, but I do not want to hear anymore about all the ways I am being punished with your money.

One parent has since passed and when the living one feels happy I get all these promises of what money will be mine and when I am scapegoated I am told all the money that won't be mine. Keep in mind I have siblings who rarely help who aren't dealing with these threats. I refuse to engage with any of it.

I plan to give my kids money while I am living and make thing equal when I pass. I will do whatever i can to safeguard from someone taking advantage and I will live in continued care from 70s onward and just hope my kids visit and enjoy my company. I refuse to be a monster with my demands, I pray I don't become abusive with age and I hope I will agree to medication if I become nutty.

Same situation here but I found out that the wills were changed and no one will tell me what's going on. I told the sibling who is now POA to handle things even though they are at a distance as I got fed up with all the nastiness and threats. So much happier now. They can afford to pay for help. I spent a lot of my money to find out there is a lot of money and no reason I should pay for basics like groceries, clothing and more when they have tons of money and my sibling will probably inherit it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest, I probably would pull back from my mom if she told me this.

So your mother is only worthy to you if she gives you money?

Great question!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m glad I don’t have wealthy relatives. I loved them solely for who they were and they always knew that.

I love this! We need more people like you in this world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is something going on with grandma. You two should visit her. No doubt alone, dementia, and feeling neglected, compounded by the pandemic.

+1 I would be worried. Or like some PP’s posted, I wonder if someone got to her and she felt pressured/manipulated into changing her will or lost a lot of money in a scam, which is very common with the elderly.