Changed relationship after grandma’s estate plans changed?

[Anonymous]

Curious your thoughts on my sister’s decision.

We’ve always had a good relationship with our grandmother who is still alive. She was one of the very first to hold our babies, is always included in everything special. We make sure to bring our kids around often, have them make cards, visit for holidays, dinners, etc. Very involved. When the youngest of our kids was about 2, she sat us down one day and told us her plans for her estate, and how she planned to divide her money amongst us girls and our kids. Mind you, she’s a sharp woman, very cognitively sound then and now. Fast forward to after Christmas, she got us both on the phone (COVID) and broke it to us that she wasn’t leaving anything to anyone anymore, because she just didn’t want to anymore; let us figure it out in probate, basically.

I was a little upset for my kids, not myself, that even though they didn’t know they’d even be receiving anything, they wouldn’t be getting anything, and for what? But my sister has all but cut off all ties. I asked her if she spoke to grandma yesterday and she said no, she doesn’t try anymore, she has hurt feelings over the estate and doesn’t have the heart to be around grandma anymore. It got me thinking, not sure if it’s just a product of COVID or subconsciously my own hurt, but I’ve backed off a bit this last year. It got me thinking that maybe it was kind of a blow to our relationship?

Do you think you’d pull back in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Who will inherit from your grandmother? She said probate which means intestate laws will determine who receives money from her estate. Who is that? I get that you are hurts but I would not cut off the relationship because of this. Otherwise that may suggest to me that the money is worth more than the relationship. Maybe your grandmother is having a hard time with her mortality. Maybe your grandmother is Having a bit of dementia. Whatever it is, disappointed financial expectations should not govern how you treat somebody who has been close to you in the past. If you want to keep things on a mercenary level, you can always consider that she might change her mind again and create a will. In fact, maybe she is trying to see how you and your sister react to this news!

[Anonymous]

19:05 here again. My grandmother did not leave me anything, and I knew she was not going to. I still had a good relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand. She had a will but now doesn’t? Does your grandma have living kids? Usually money would go to the decedent’s kids.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be honest, I probably would pull back from
my mom if she told me this.

[Anonymous]

I would continue as before and pretend the conversation after Christmas never happened. I would wonder if she was starting to decline or was depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest, I probably would pull back from my mom if she told me this.

So your mother is only worthy to you if she gives you money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:19:05 here again. My grandmother did not leave me anything, and I knew she was not going to. I still had a good relationship with her.

But did she tell you she was going to and then change her mind for no apparent reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:19:05 here again. My grandmother did not leave me anything, and I knew she was not going to. I still had a good relationship with her.

But did she tell you she was going to and then change her mind for no apparent reason?

Why does that matter? Your relationship is only about money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll be honest, I probably would pull back from my mom if she told me this.

So your mother is only worthy to you if she gives you money?

Not PP but I agree with PP. It’s sort of a hurtful thing to tell someone. The kind of thing you don’t tell someone.

[Anonymous]

She never did the estate planning she said she was planning to do or reversed it?

Or are there other potential heirs like her own kids (which would be one of your parents) and other grand children she didn't want to leave out?

Your sister sounds terrible. (only made effort to stay in good graces for the money?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand. She had a will but now doesn’t? Does your grandma have living kids? Usually money would go to the decedent’s kids.

If she changed her will and left nothing to anyone, it can technically go to anyone who’s willing to fight it out in probate. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps a test that you both failed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She never did the estate planning she said she was planning to do or reversed it?

Or are there other potential heirs like her own kids (which would be one of your parents) and other grand children she didn't want to leave out?

Your sister sounds terrible. (only made effort to stay in good graces for the money?)

OP here. My sister isn’t terrible. We were told of the plans for the estate as they relate to our children and ourselves in early 2019. We’ve had a wonderful relationship with grandma for over three decades before that news.

But yes, it seems she’s changed her will.

[Anonymous]

This screams at least a touch of depression. As my grandmother got older she got all sorts of skewed things going on in her head. Your grandmother also might think that you are only in it for the money. The way the elderly think about how you deal with them is frequently very different from how you perceive you are dealing with them. (I am dealing with this right now with my mother.)

I would definitely continue on as if the conversation never happened. In my case, my grandmother changed her will regularly until she no longer could.