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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"First, it’s the lack of understanding and empathy; then it’s the lack of being able to understand that they don’t understand; and then it’s the insistence that they do understand and that you’re the one who doesn’t get it."

https://www.theneurotypical.com/how-to-spot-aspergers.html[/quote]

Wow.  I found this so helpful.

I don't know that my spouse has Asperger's, and many of these things don't fit, but the above really does.  So does this:

"They misinterpret the experiences, feelings and ideas of others, and therefore come to the wrong conclusions. This is often the biggest problem in relationships for people with AS. If they cannot understand someone else’s experience they cannot feel empathy, and if they cannot feel empathy they can’t convey it. Empathy means recognizing how someone else feels, understanding it, caring about how they feel, and then expressing that care. People with AS are not capable of empathy. Some acknowledge their inability to “read social cues” and will tell you that if only you let them know how you’re feeling, they’ll care. Not true. They’ll still invalidate your feelings."

I don't know that I even want to explain this as "feelings." It's more the experiences.  He doesn't understand how he sometimes my life is difficult and he gets frustrated when I'm tired or don't do some small thing right (not everything, but he will get fixated on things and not let them go).  I have wondered so many times if there is something wrong with me.  How can I feel one way, and have my life partner not see it?  
But I think this is it.  He just can't understand my experience.  And even more, he doesn't really interpret it as being different than his.  So many things are clicking into place here:

1)  We moved far away from family and friends for his job.  I really miss them, and would like to move back, but I feel trapped here because he doesn't want to move and won't look for a job closer to my family.  He thinks this is crazy and manipulative, or that I am being impulsive (it's been 5 years).

2)  He has lied to me about some big things, but he doesn't see it as lying.  "I forget that you don't know everything that I know."

3)  He once took a vacation from work and cared for the house and kids while I was out of town.  When I came back, he told me that he didn't need me anymore, and that he could take care of everything on his own.  When I pointed out that he wouldn't have been able to do it if he was working the whole time, he said that he would "figure that part out."  (He is a neurosurgeon and works unpredictable hours 70+ hours/wk...you don't just "figure that out.")

4)  He doesn't seem to understand that I am sometimes tired or in pain.  If I have been up all night at work, he doesn't understand why I would need to sleep (unless he is ALSO working nights), or if I had a C-section and a new baby, he doesn't understand why I would need to take a break.

I have been thinking that he just sees me as weak, or that maybe I am weak.  But I actually think it's this.  He just doesn't understand my experience.  He cannot see life from my perspective.  It's so freeing to change my perspective on this.  His thoughts on my experiences are just not valid.  I'm not wrong in thinking that he doesn't understand.  He's not trying to be a jerk when he insists that my feelings are wrong.  He just can't see it.

Thanks for posting this.  I appreciate it!

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