Separating — how do you keep your kids from taking sides

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

You kicked your husband out and at best will only allow supervised visits. You are making them choose you by default. If it goes to court it could backfire.

Sometimes that’s necessary.

Ok, well then own up to it and stop playing victim. However its impossible to know if its real or OP is just angling to get the house and custody of the kids. But, either way, she is making the kids choose by default so stop pretending otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

You kicked your husband out and at best will only allow supervised visits. You are making them choose you by default. If it goes to court it could backfire.

Sometimes that’s necessary.

Ok, well then own up to it and stop playing victim. However its impossible to know if its real or OP is just angling to get the house and custody of the kids. But, either way, she is making the kids choose by default so stop pretending otherwise.

It's an anonymous post on the internet. You'll never know whether what I say is true.

It's not "either way". If there are mental health concerns significant enough that DH's family agrees with me that he shouldn't be alone with his own children, then I think it's safe to assume that if there's a divorce I'll be hoping to get custody.

I'm not sure how asking how to support my kids' continuing relationship with their other parent is "playing victim"?

-- OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

You kicked your husband out and at best will only allow supervised visits. You are making them choose you by default. If it goes to court it could backfire.

Sometimes that’s necessary.

Ok, well then own up to it and stop playing victim. However its impossible to know if its real or OP is just angling to get the house and custody of the kids. But, either way, she is making the kids choose by default so stop pretending otherwise.

It's an anonymous post on the internet. You'll never know whether what I say is true.

It's not "either way". If there are mental health concerns significant enough that DH's family agrees with me that he shouldn't be alone with his own children, then I think it's safe to assume that if there's a divorce I'll be hoping to get custody.

I'm not sure how asking how to support my kids' continuing relationship with their other parent is "playing victim"?

-- OP

If you will not let them see him except maybe a rare occasion, they will not continue to have a realistic ship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

You kicked your husband out and at best will only allow supervised visits. You are making them choose you by default. If it goes to court it could backfire.

Sometimes that’s necessary.

Ok, well then own up to it and stop playing victim. However its impossible to know if its real or OP is just angling to get the house and custody of the kids. But, either way, she is making the kids choose by default so stop pretending otherwise.

It's an anonymous post on the internet. You'll never know whether what I say is true.

It's not "either way". If there are mental health concerns significant enough that DH's family agrees with me that he shouldn't be alone with his own children, then I think it's safe to assume that if there's a divorce I'll be hoping to get custody.

I'm not sure how asking how to support my kids' continuing relationship with their other parent is "playing victim"?

-- OP

If you will not let them see him except maybe a rare occasion, they will not continue to have a realistic ship.

My kids have seen him every day since we’ve been apart, just with a trusted adult present.

[Anonymous]

I think if your DH is struggling enough that you and his family agree he shouldn't be alone with the kids, you need to get some expert advice and likely schedule your kids for at least a couple sessions with a counselor or social worker. You are going to be riding a fine line between not encouraging your kids to see DH as the bad guy, but also letting them express any anger/fear/distrust they may feel towards him. Tweens are challenging because they are more likely to pick up on what is happening, but also tend toward black and white thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

You kicked your husband out and at best will only allow supervised visits. You are making them choose you by default. If it goes to court it could backfire.

Sometimes that’s necessary.

Ok, well then own up to it and stop playing victim. However its impossible to know if its real or OP is just angling to get the house and custody of the kids. But, either way, she is making the kids choose by default so stop pretending otherwise.

It's an anonymous post on the internet. You'll never know whether what I say is true.

It's not "either way". If there are mental health concerns significant enough that DH's family agrees with me that he shouldn't be alone with his own children, then I think it's safe to assume that if there's a divorce I'll be hoping to get custody.

I'm not sure how asking how to support my kids' continuing relationship with their other parent is "playing victim"?

-- OP

If you will not let them see him except maybe a rare occasion, they will not continue to have a realistic ship.

My kids have seen him every day since we’ve been apart, just with a trusted adult present.

Right. They know the deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if your DH is struggling enough that you and his family agree he shouldn't be alone with the kids, you need to get some expert advice and likely schedule your kids for at least a couple sessions with a counselor or social worker. You are going to be riding a fine line between not encouraging your kids to see DH as the bad guy, but also letting them express any anger/fear/distrust they may feel towards him. Tweens are challenging because they are more likely to pick up on what is happening, but also tend toward black and white thinking.

She kicked him out and will not let him see the kids alone. He is the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to them together and say, "This is a decision that we are making together and that we will work out together. No one is at fault, and we are not discussing divorce. All couples have times where they need to take a breath. We are at one of those moments. What questions can we try to answer for you?"

Don't say this, because it's absolutely not true. They're going to ask their friends, and know it's not.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm trying to square two things you've said: DH could be back in your house at any time and that he is so unstable that he can't be alone with the kids. How do these work together? If he moved back in this weekend, would your kids be safe?

[Anonymous]

What treatment is he getting? Should he be inpatient? Rehab?

Is this an addiction, paranoia, someone who has threatened suicide? What is the plan re: the mental health issues?

Most mental health issues have a genetic component, making getting the kids into some time of therapy themselves even more important.

Is he the only one in the family with the issue?

So sorry, OP. It sounds very tough. Even with mental health issues, be aware that he could end up with considerable unsupervised custodial time.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

We have all sorts of professional help for him, the kids, me etc . . .

The issue is suicidal behavior/self harm. He wouldn’t intentionally hurt my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

We have all sorts of professional help for him, the kids, me etc . . .

The issue is suicidal behavior/self harm. He wouldn’t intentionally hurt my kids.

It sounds like you are doing your best in a tough situation. I would definitely bring the issue of your kids seeing him as the bad guy up with whoever the kids are seeing and whoever you are seeing. They will have language you can use. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would get expert advice, but I think given the specifics I would go with "Dad is sick and that's why he is acting [whatever specifics]. He needs to get help so he can get better. I'm not mad at him becuase it's not his fault he is sick."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get expert advice, but I think given the specifics I would go with "Dad is sick and that's why he is acting [whatever specifics]. He needs to get help so he can get better. I'm not mad at him becuase it's not his fault he is sick."

No!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would get expert advice, but I think given the specifics I would go with "Dad is sick and that's why he is acting [whatever specifics]. He needs to get help so he can get better. I'm not mad at him becuase it's not his fault he is sick."

No!

So, what would you say?