Separating — how do you keep your kids from taking sides

[Anonymous]

OP, ultimately your kids have the right to form their own opinions that are different from what you might think they should be. Whether accurate or not. Children of divorce give up a lot and have to take on a lot of burdens. Consider that pressure from you not to "take sides" may just be another burden and they may respond by concealing their their thoughts and opinions from you.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't have it both ways. You can allow your kids to communicate their real thoughts, questions, and feelings to you and accept that it might not be something you think is accurate, healthy, or easy for you to hear. Or you can tell them what they are allowed to think and they can pretend to think it and keep their real thoughts a secret from you, and probably from all adults in their lives. Which do you think is more healthy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm trying to square two things you've said: DH could be back in your house at any time and that he is so unstable that he can't be alone with the kids. How do these work together? If he moved back in this weekend, would your kids be safe?

He and I had an agreement, worked out with professionals, for things I needed to feel safe. If he's willing to follow the agreement, then I'm happy to have him home. He'll still need to be supervised with the kids, but I can be the supervision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm trying to square two things you've said: DH could be back in your house at any time and that he is so unstable that he can't be alone with the kids. How do these work together? If he moved back in this weekend, would your kids be safe?

He and I had an agreement, worked out with professionals, for things I needed to feel safe. If he's willing to follow the agreement, then I'm happy to have him home. He'll still need to be supervised with the kids, but I can be the supervision.

So you are going to watch him 100% of the time? What about when you are sleeping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm trying to square two things you've said: DH could be back in your house at any time and that he is so unstable that he can't be alone with the kids. How do these work together? If he moved back in this weekend, would your kids be safe?

He and I had an agreement, worked out with professionals, for things I needed to feel safe. If he's willing to follow the agreement, then I'm happy to have him home. He'll still need to be supervised with the kids, but I can be the supervision.

So you are going to watch him 100% of the time? What about when you are sleeping?

One of the things about depression is that he sleeps a lot. I sleep when he's asleep and since we share a bed, I'd know if he got up.

I have to live with the fact that whether he's with me, or he's with his parents, if he chooses to harm himself I can't prevent that. He's not admitting to suicidal ideation, so I can't force him to go inpatient.

What I can do, is make sure that if something happens, my kids aren't in the position of seeing it, or feeling like maybe they could have somehow prevented it. I can also make it harder for him to do something in a sudden moment of impulsivity. I don't watch him every minute, but if I or another trusted adult isn't close by, then the kids aren't with him. So, maybe he's taking a nap, and they're playing outside. Or maybe they're watching a movie together in the family room, and I'm working at the kitchen table.

[Anonymous]

Well, as adults the kids may look back and not blame him. But for children and teens, they just don't have the developmental maturity not to ascribe responsibility to his behavior. I would prioritize their willingness to talk honestly to you over your desire to tell them what their opinions ought to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm trying to square two things you've said: DH could be back in your house at any time and that he is so unstable that he can't be alone with the kids. How do these work together? If he moved back in this weekend, would your kids be safe?

He and I had an agreement, worked out with professionals, for things I needed to feel safe. If he's willing to follow the agreement, then I'm happy to have him home. He'll still need to be supervised with the kids, but I can be the supervision.

So you are going to watch him 100% of the time? What about when you are sleeping?

One of the things about depression is that he sleeps a lot. I sleep when he's asleep and since we share a bed, I'd know if he got up.

I have to live with the fact that whether he's with me, or he's with his parents, if he chooses to harm himself I can't prevent that. He's not admitting to suicidal ideation, so I can't force him to go inpatient.

What I can do, is make sure that if something happens, my kids aren't in the position of seeing it, or feeling like maybe they could have somehow prevented it. I can also make it harder for him to do something in a sudden moment of impulsivity. I don't watch him every minute, but if I or another trusted adult isn't close by, then the kids aren't with him. So, maybe he's taking a nap, and they're playing outside. Or maybe they're watching a movie together in the family room, and I'm working at the kitchen table.

Has he self-harmed or is this something you decide he will do? Huge differences. It really sounds like you are setting him up to fail. Your kids are older, what's wrong with him taking a nap. Tell them they cannot go outside without permission.

[Anonymous]

OP - This is very serious situation for your children most of all that you need to be talking to a trained psychologist about and in getting direction on how to proceed safely with children rather than spending precious time on a random board. The psychologist would also guide you in getting the appropriate counseling help for them, too, at this time. You are trying to control a very volatile situation that according to you could change on a dime if your DH is not taking his meds and going to therapy (and/or ) if they are not working and he is refusing/unable to recognize the need for care. At this point in time, your teens are likely relying on help from their friends online about the situation with dad and mom. While you may not want to push your husband to a higher level of depression/anxiety, for the safety of all of you, you need to ask a professional what the next legal step might be if dad is not willing to get medical help as in a legal separation with custody and visitation with as you indicate supervision agreed upon until certain things change with dad. You need to clearly understand that mental health issues may very well run in the family and you want to establish with your teens that it is important to handle them honestly, but within professional guidelines at times for the well-being of all. Call a therapist in your area.

[Anonymous]

Kudos to you OP for dealing with a very difficult situation. It sounds like you're trying your hardest at everything. A friend of mine had her DH go in-patient about a year and a half ago (before COVID). She about lost her mind too. They have three younger kids. It was not a good time.

Kids see a lot more than you realize. And, they're young and could process things differently. Be supportive of them. Don't invalidate their feelings. Always support your DH in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP - This is very serious situation for your children most of all that you need to be talking to a trained psychologist about and in getting direction on how to proceed safely with children rather than spending precious time on a random board. The psychologist would also guide you in getting the appropriate counseling help for them, too, at this time. You are trying to control a very volatile situation that according to you could change on a dime if your DH is not taking his meds and going to therapy (and/or ) if they are not working and he is refusing/unable to recognize the need for care. At this point in time, your teens are likely relying on help from their friends online about the situation with dad and mom. While you may not want to push your husband to a higher level of depression/anxiety, for the safety of all of you, you need to ask a professional what the next legal step might be if dad is not willing to get medical help as in a legal separation with custody and visitation with as you indicate supervision agreed upon until certain things change with dad. You need to clearly understand that mental health issues may very well run in the family and you want to establish with your teens that it is important to handle them honestly, but within professional guidelines at times for the well-being of all. Call a therapist in your area.

I was clear up thread that we have lots of therapeutic and medical support for everyone in the family.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are 12 and 15. This situation is bizzare. They can be home with a sleeping parent or even alone. You have not stated anything that puts them in harms way. You never sleep!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 12 and 15. This situation is bizzare. They can be home with a sleeping parent or even alone. You have not stated anything that puts them in harms way. You never sleep!

My kids are not 12 and 15. My kids are both tweens. I don't know where you got 15 from.

I do sleep. My DH and kids sleep more hours than I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 12 and 15. This situation is bizzare. They can be home with a sleeping parent or even alone. You have not stated anything that puts them in harms way. You never sleep!

My kids are not 12 and 15. My kids are both tweens. I don't know where you got 15 from.

I do sleep. My DH and kids sleep more hours than I do.

Sleeping while the kids are that age is not neglect. Even tweens it’s ok. If you want a divorce and limited contact just do Irrawaddy and stop with the games. Better for your kids to make a clean break then on off again relationship at your whims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 12 and 15. This situation is bizzare. They can be home with a sleeping parent or even alone. You have not stated anything that puts them in harms way. You never sleep!

My kids are not 12 and 15. My kids are both tweens. I don't know where you got 15 from.

I do sleep. My DH and kids sleep more hours than I do.

Sleeping while the kids are that age is not neglect. Even tweens it’s ok. If you want a divorce and limited contact just do Irrawaddy and stop with the games. Better for your kids to make a clean break then on off again relationship at your whims.

I have no idea what you are talking about here. None.

Someone asked if I watched my husband 24/7 and if so how do I sleep? I said that since he's got severe depression and sleeps 12 plus hours a day, I just sleep during those hours. I don't know where you got that I think that sleeping when your kids are awake is neglect. I just don't happen to do it, because they sleep at night, and I sleep at night, which is, I think, not a weird thing.

I don't want a divorce. I might not have a choice about that, but it's not what I want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kids are 12 and 15. This situation is bizzare. They can be home with a sleeping parent or even alone. You have not stated anything that puts them in harms way. You never sleep!

My kids are not 12 and 15. My kids are both tweens. I don't know where you got 15 from.

I do sleep. My DH and kids sleep more hours than I do.

Sleeping while the kids are that age is not neglect. Even tweens it’s ok. If you want a divorce and limited contact just do Irrawaddy and stop with the games. Better for your kids to make a clean break then on off again relationship at your whims.

I have no idea what you are talking about here. None.

Someone asked if I watched my husband 24/7 and if so how do I sleep? I said that since he's got severe depression and sleeps 12 plus hours a day, I just sleep during those hours. I don't know where you got that I think that sleeping when your kids are awake is neglect. I just don't happen to do it, because they sleep at night, and I sleep at night, which is, I think, not a weird thing.

I don't want a divorce. I might not have a choice about that, but it's not what I want

Sleeping 12 hours a day is not a big deal. Some people need more sleep. Putting him out of the house and restricting visitation is not helping his depression and not a reason for supervised contact for kids that age. You have yet to point out any abuse or neglect, just depression. You should get a divorce already. You clearly want one as you kicked him out of the house and restrict access to the kids. That screams divorce and much more. You are setting up for removing him from the home/family/kids. Just finish it already.