Separating — how do you keep your kids from taking sides

[Anonymous]

When my ex and I broke up, we agreed to continue to be a united front to the kids. If he said no, I said no. If I said yes, he said yes. We had the same rules for them.

And yes, my older kids DID know that we'd had horrific fights and they were scared for me. I stressed to them that they were safe, that we broke up so they wouldn't have to live with that fighting and fear, and now that we are apart we get along much better.

[Anonymous]

My kids and I are squarely on the same side.
My husband has ADHD he refuses to treat and has made severe financial and other mistakes as a result, along with being controlling and abusive. So I’m not trying to stop my kids from understanding what the issues are, on the contrary, it’s crucial they see what their father has done and that they not repeat the pattern themselves or by marrying someone like this.

Just tell your kids the truth. They can handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When they make comments you say:

"Your dad and I needed time apart, that doesn't mean I think he's a bad person."
"This is between me and your dad, we don't need you to take sides. We both love you so much."
"I know you love me and you love your dad, you don't need to take sides."

If at all possible, I would get on a joint custody schedule ASAP so the kids are spending overnights with dad.

This is helpful. Unfortunately, overnights don't make sense right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all how long is this break?

What changes for your children during this break? How is he going to spend time with the kids? Is he going to take a break from the kids too?

You sound super wishy washy do I can see why your children are connecting the dots however they see fit. If your husband has mental health issues, your kids know. Give them a timeline, tell them what’s changing and what’s staying the same. Then say that you abd their father are still figuring out anything beyond that abd they'll be the first to know once you do. Stop trying to sugarcoat everything.

I have no idea. I sound wishy washy, because I don't have any answers for them. This happened less than 24 hours ago. He could be home tonight or never. I literally have no idea.

He'll see the kids, I dropped them over at their grandparents' a couple hours ago for the afternoon. This Sunday there's a family thing, and they'll definitely go back over for that.

See. This is the type of BS answer I’m talking about. You definitely have an idea if it’s going to be weeks or months or days. You just don’t want to say—and your kids through it.

You’re trying to have things both ways where you tell your kids nothing and they make no deductions based on what they know. You’re deliberately playing dumb with your kids and it’s obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all how long is this break?

What changes for your children during this break? How is he going to spend time with the kids? Is he going to take a break from the kids too?

You sound super wishy washy do I can see why your children are connecting the dots however they see fit. If your husband has mental health issues, your kids know. Give them a timeline, tell them what’s changing and what’s staying the same. Then say that you abd their father are still figuring out anything beyond that abd they'll be the first to know once you do. Stop trying to sugarcoat everything.

I have no idea. I sound wishy washy, because I don't have any answers for them. This happened less than 24 hours ago. He could be home tonight or never. I literally have no idea.

He'll see the kids, I dropped them over at their grandparents' a couple hours ago for the afternoon. This Sunday there's a family thing, and they'll definitely go back over for that.

See. This is the type of BS answer I’m talking about. You definitely have an idea if it’s going to be weeks or months or days. You just don’t want to say—and your kids through it.

You’re trying to have things both ways where you tell your kids nothing and they make no deductions based on what they know. You’re deliberately playing dumb with your kids and it’s obvious.

How would I know when my DH will make a decision to come home? I have no idea. I don't know how to be clear about that.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

[Anonymous]

You should move, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should move, not him.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

We didn't use the word "supervision". Just, "You're going to Grandma's house - Dad will be there, and Grandma and Grandpa! Uncle Jason and Aunt Julie will probably stop by with Jamie and Jenna."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

We didn't use the word "supervision". Just, "You're going to Grandma's house - Dad will be there, and Grandma and Grandpa! Uncle Jason and Aunt Julie will probably stop by with Jamie and Jenna."

Can I ask how old your kids were? I feel like my 12 year old is not going to buy that.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one going what? You say you are taking a break and waiting for him to come home? I don't understand...did he leave? Are you not in agreement?

As far as supervision- if he agrees to it ok but the court would never order it. They rarely order it for perpetrators of domestic violence so he'll never be required to have it. Ask how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

We didn't use the word "supervision". Just, "You're going to Grandma's house - Dad will be there, and Grandma and Grandpa! Uncle Jason and Aunt Julie will probably stop by with Jamie and Jenna."

Can I ask how old your kids were? I feel like my 12 year old is not going to buy that.

Ages 15 - 1. My 15 and 12 yr olds knew exactly why he couldn't be alone with them. They had no complaints.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think "taking a break" is confusing for kids.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

You kicked your husband out and at best will only allow supervised visits. You are making them choose you by default. If it goes to court it could backfire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Follow up question, if you made a decision that your kids would be supervised with their other parent. How did you explain that to them? Supervision would be by members of his family, so as natural as possible, but my kids are still going to notice.

You kicked your husband out and at best will only allow supervised visits. You are making them choose you by default. If it goes to court it could backfire.

Sometimes that’s necessary.