Separating — how do you keep your kids from taking sides

[Anonymous]

Yesterday, I told my spouse I needed a break, and asked them to stay with my in laws for a while. It’s not a simple situation where one is right and one is wrong, and I really hope we stay married but a break is warranted.

My kids are tweens and seem to have come to the conclusion that spouse was being mean to me, and left me, and that I am the injured party. Any suggestions on how to talk to them? I don’t want them to be in the middle like this.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to say without knowing what happened and why your taking a break. Kids are usually perceptive abd especially at those they will sense your BS — even if you think you did a good job of not fighting in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Your kids may know or be guessing things that you are not aware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to say without knowing what happened and why your taking a break. Kids are usually perceptive abd especially at those they will sense your BS — even if you think you did a good job of not fighting in front of them.

We have never fought in front of the kids.

DH has mental health issues, which the kids know about, but their interpretation that he left me is just wrong.

[Anonymous]

Both of you need to explain to the tweens that this is a decision that you both made together.

[Anonymous]

Talk to them together and say, "This is a decision that we are making together and that we will work out together. No one is at fault, and we are not discussing divorce. All couples have times where they need to take a breath. We are at one of those moments. What questions can we try to answer for you?"

[Anonymous]

I think "taking a break" is confusing for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think "taking a break" is confusing for kids.

What would you say instead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think "taking a break" is confusing for kids.

If it's followed immediately with "We're not discussing divorce right now, it's clear. Kids understand what it means to take a break. They do it all the time at school.

[Anonymous]

The short answer is you don’t. The longer answer is you never badmouth your STBX and get the kids into therapy.

[Anonymous]

First of all how long is this break?

What changes for your children during this break? How is he going to spend time with the kids? Is he going to take a break from the kids too?

You sound super wishy washy do I can see why your children are connecting the dots however they see fit. If your husband has mental health issues, your kids know. Give them a timeline, tell them what’s changing and what’s staying the same. Then say that you abd their father are still figuring out anything beyond that abd they'll be the first to know once you do. Stop trying to sugarcoat everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to them together and say, "This is a decision that we are making together and that we will work out together. No one is at fault, and we are not discussing divorce. All couples have times where they need to take a breath. We are at one of those moments. What questions can we try to answer for you?"

You shouldn’t lie to them. Not all couples “take a break” and you shouldn’t normalize abnormal behavior that is understandably destabilizing to the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to them together and say, "This is a decision that we are making together and that we will work out together. No one is at fault, and we are not discussing divorce. All couples have times where they need to take a breath. We are at one of those moments. What questions can we try to answer for you?"

You shouldn’t lie to them. Not all couples “take a break” and you shouldn’t normalize abnormal behavior that is understandably destabilizing to the children.

To be fair, pp says, take a breath, not a break.
I think this language is fine, but I would not say you are not discussing divorce. If it does lead to divorce in the future, then they may feel lied to. They may not understand the nuance of "we weren't talking about divorce THEN." I would just leave this out and concentrate on explaining how their life will change or not change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all how long is this break?

What changes for your children during this break? How is he going to spend time with the kids? Is he going to take a break from the kids too?

You sound super wishy washy do I can see why your children are connecting the dots however they see fit. If your husband has mental health issues, your kids know. Give them a timeline, tell them what’s changing and what’s staying the same. Then say that you abd their father are still figuring out anything beyond that abd they'll be the first to know once you do. Stop trying to sugarcoat everything.

I have no idea. I sound wishy washy, because I don't have any answers for them. This happened less than 24 hours ago. He could be home tonight or never. I literally have no idea.

He'll see the kids, I dropped them over at their grandparents' a couple hours ago for the afternoon. This Sunday there's a family thing, and they'll definitely go back over for that.

[Anonymous]

When they make comments you say:

"Your dad and I needed time apart, that doesn't mean I think he's a bad person."
"This is between me and your dad, we don't need you to take sides. We both love you so much."
"I know you love me and you love your dad, you don't need to take sides."

If at all possible, I would get on a joint custody schedule ASAP so the kids are spending overnights with dad.