Girlfriend Wants A Break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are very worried you are going to lose her think about what that means about how you feel. Do you have a history of commitment phobia? Do you see yourself getting married TO HER? YOu have only been dating this covid year? It's not a normal year to get your bearing in a relationship.

OP here. I don’t have any commitment issues. I plan on marrying her. Most of our relationship has been during the pandemic. I want to wait a little longer because we won’t even be able to plan a wedding anyway with the pandemic. I also want her to be able to meet my family.

NP - Is there something you think you may learn with friends and family that will change your mind? If not, there is no reason you can’t figure out a way, whether it’s on FaceTime or an outdoor socially distanced small gathering with close family (like parents) in order for them to at least know who she is and everyone else can get to know her better as your fiancée once things open up and you can meet in person. If you need to meet everyone in person, knowing that is delayed with the pandemic, to be confident of your choice, okay, but it’s fair for her to say she doesn’t want to wait that long for an audition so to speak.

As for the venue, logistically, there are a bunch of people with weddings planned in 2020 and early 2021 that postponed plus people that got engaged in that timeframe that will all be planning weddings when everywhere opens up for big weddings again. Unless you are extremely flexible, having a small wedding, going to a courthouse etc, it could take 1.5 year engagement to get the venue you want and timeframe etc. I was married pre-pandemic many years ago and we had 1.5 year engagement because I wanted a Spring wedding and we were engaged in December. All the venues we wanted were booked a year in advance for a Saturday.

OP here. Neither of us have met any of each others families beyond me meeting her parents. My parents live in another state and so does my brother. They met her over video but that’s it. It’s important to me that they meet and get along.

If they meet and don’t get along are you going to break up with her?

OP here. Probably not.

She really wants to go to Hawaii. I want to take her there and propose but we can’t do that with the pandemic. I was planning it for her birthday in a couple of months but not sure if that will happen. I want to do something special for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are very worried you are going to lose her think about what that means about how you feel. Do you have a history of commitment phobia? Do you see yourself getting married TO HER? YOu have only been dating this covid year? It's not a normal year to get your bearing in a relationship.

OP here. I don’t have any commitment issues. I plan on marrying her. Most of our relationship has been during the pandemic. I want to wait a little longer because we won’t even be able to plan a wedding anyway with the pandemic. I also want her to be able to meet my family.

NP - Is there something you think you may learn with friends and family that will change your mind? If not, there is no reason you can’t figure out a way, whether it’s on FaceTime or an outdoor socially distanced small gathering with close family (like parents) in order for them to at least know who she is and everyone else can get to know her better as your fiancée once things open up and you can meet in person. If you need to meet everyone in person, knowing that is delayed with the pandemic, to be confident of your choice, okay, but it’s fair for her to say she doesn’t want to wait that long for an audition so to speak.

As for the venue, logistically, there are a bunch of people with weddings planned in 2020 and early 2021 that postponed plus people that got engaged in that timeframe that will all be planning weddings when everywhere opens up for big weddings again. Unless you are extremely flexible, having a small wedding, going to a courthouse etc, it could take 1.5 year engagement to get the venue you want and timeframe etc. I was married pre-pandemic many years ago and we had 1.5 year engagement because I wanted a Spring wedding and we were engaged in December. All the venues we wanted were booked a year in advance for a Saturday.

OP here. Neither of us have met any of each others families beyond me meeting her parents. My parents live in another state and so does my brother. They met her over video but that’s it. It’s important to me that they meet and get along.

If they meet and don’t get along are you going to break up with her?

I don't think it would be wrong if he did. So many of the problems we hear about on this forum and the family forum could be avoided if people thought about family dynamics and families of origin and how that plays into things before getting married.

[Anonymous]

Well, don’t win the battle to lose the war soldier. Let’s make it out of the pandemic with a relationship in tact first, no?

And here the compromise of marriage and sharing your life with another truly begins.

Reconcile the timeline and hope. Your engagement idea sounds lovely. But you also need to be realistic about your woman. Some women would be angry at lost time just to fit a narrative and vision that really didn’t address something she wanted and prioritized (time) vs future engagement story.


Stop saying it’s because of parents because it isn’t, she knows that and probably why she called out your bull. Which is also smart of her. If she thinks you’re hiding reasons it is smart to say I’m going to take a look at this - instead of ripping off the bandaid or going into a state of emotional hysteria.

[Anonymous]

I don't think either of you is wrong in your desires. I just don't think you are right for each other.

Sounds cruel to say, but the best thing that could happen is for you to split and find other people you are more compatible with.

Instead, you'll likely get married and you won't see the truth until your 10 years and 2 or 3 kids in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are very worried you are going to lose her think about what that means about how you feel. Do you have a history of commitment phobia? Do you see yourself getting married TO HER? YOu have only been dating this covid year? It's not a normal year to get your bearing in a relationship.

OP here. I don’t have any commitment issues. I plan on marrying her. Most of our relationship has been during the pandemic. I want to wait a little longer because we won’t even be able to plan a wedding anyway with the pandemic. I also want her to be able to meet my family.

NP - Is there something you think you may learn with friends and family that will change your mind? If not, there is no reason you can’t figure out a way, whether it’s on FaceTime or an outdoor socially distanced small gathering with close family (like parents) in order for them to at least know who she is and everyone else can get to know her better as your fiancée once things open up and you can meet in person. If you need to meet everyone in person, knowing that is delayed with the pandemic, to be confident of your choice, okay, but it’s fair for her to say she doesn’t want to wait that long for an audition so to speak.

As for the venue, logistically, there are a bunch of people with weddings planned in 2020 and early 2021 that postponed plus people that got engaged in that timeframe that will all be planning weddings when everywhere opens up for big weddings again. Unless you are extremely flexible, having a small wedding, going to a courthouse etc, it could take 1.5 year engagement to get the venue you want and timeframe etc. I was married pre-pandemic many years ago and we had 1.5 year engagement because I wanted a Spring wedding and we were engaged in December. All the venues we wanted were booked a year in advance for a Saturday.

OP here. Neither of us have met any of each others families beyond me meeting her parents. My parents live in another state and so does my brother. They met her over video but that’s it. It’s important to me that they meet and get along.

If they meet and don’t get along are you going to break up with her?

I don't think it would be wrong if he did. So many of the problems we hear about on this forum and the family forum could be avoided if people thought about family dynamics and families of origin and how that plays into things before getting married.

PP. I agree but that isn’t relevant to the larger point I was getting at. If OP knows he chooses her no matter what, don’t punt to family as some excuse. It’s lame and it smells funny to an otherwise unsuspecting nose. OP needs to be honest with himself. He said he probably wouldn’t — which actually is a very good thing for both of them.

If he were going to break up with her if his family didn’t accept her, I would have a different response.

[Anonymous]

I actually think your girlfriend is exhibiting some red flag immature behavior. Friend has something I think I should have now,get upset, start a fight. I don't get my way pout and storm off to friend's house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think either of you is wrong in your desires. I just don't think you are right for each other.

Sounds cruel to say, but the best thing that could happen is for you to split and find other people you are more compatible with.

Instead, you'll likely get married and you won't see the truth until your 10 years and 2 or 3 kids in.

LOL. Well, that took a sharp left turn off a cliff. I have no idea how you could conclude something with such certainty based off the the few random sentences OP has thrown out.

I do think time can bring clarity. If there are no burned bridges and they step back like adults no reason they can’t step back together as adults. It is actually responsible to do. There is a way to do this where you’re not forcing a hand or manipulating the situation and also being true to your individual values and needs personally and romantically. And of course, for a lifetime commitment that is okay.

[Anonymous]

I think that what you want is fine. I think what she wants is fine, although it could be good for the two of you to discuss what she hopes to gain from this break. I don’t know that this is an issue, but, especially given her age, I would weight her need for certainty or a clear path Soon, higher than your need to propose in a way that you see as being “special “. I certainly get wanting to meet each other’s families. I don’t get waiting to propose in Hawaii or whatever if it means losing her or even having the chance to reassure her of your commitment to building a life with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think your girlfriend is exhibiting some red flag immature behavior. Friend has something I think I should have now,get upset, start a fight. I don't get my way pout and storm off to friend's house.

She’s 31 —- watching others get engaged around you can be triggering. I do think that the possibility of her feeling like she didn’t want to pressure him may have come into play. Another PP mentioned this and I think this scenario is common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that what you want is fine. I think what she wants is fine, although it could be good for the two of you to discuss what she hopes to gain from this break. I don’t know that this is an issue, but, especially given her age, I would weight her need for certainty or a clear path Soon, higher than your need to propose in a way that you see as being “special “. I certainly get wanting to meet each other’s families. I don’t get waiting to propose in Hawaii or whatever if it means losing her or even having the chance to reassure her of your commitment to building a life with her.

Perfectly stated, +100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you tell her that made her want to take a break?

OP here. I told her that I loved her and wanted to marry her. We should get engaged later this year and have a wedding next fall like she wants. She told me she doesn’t want to wait that long to get engaged we talked about how I wanted her to meet my family first and how I want to take her somewhere to propose or have family involved. She seemed fine with it but then told me she wants a break to thinks things over.

This is not unreasonable of your part, OP. I think she wants to be engaged more than she wants to be engaged to you. She seems to be a bit immature and willing to manipulate you to get what she wants.

[Anonymous]

I know a woman who had a exact idea of when she needed to get engaged, married, and have kids. Some women have timelines in their head.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She is not immature. I do understand how she may be feeling. She watched friends stay in relationships for years with the intentions of getting married and it never happened. I do think she is worried that it may never happen. I also think the fact that everyone is getting engaged and married is making her feel like she needs a timeline in order to have kids. She has always said she wants two kids and wants to have kids by 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a woman who had a exact idea of when she needed to get engaged, married, and have kids. Some women have timelines in their head.

Most women have timelines in their head. Most men do too. This is why they need to discuss together and get expectations level set. This is stupid to throw away over anxiety about a time table. Either way it ends with OP and GF having thousands of meals together until death departs them. The way it happens between now and then are semantics.

She’s probably nervous because she moved in without a ring too. If she lurks at dcum she may be crapping her pants and second guessing everything, all for nothing.

[Anonymous]

OP maybe honeymoon in Hawaii?