Girlfriend Wants A Break

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is not immature. I do understand how she may be feeling. She watched friends stay in relationships for years with the intentions of getting married and it never happened. I do think she is worried that it may never happen. I also think the fact that everyone is getting engaged and married is making her feel like she needs a timeline in order to have kids. She has always said she wants two kids and wants to have kids by 40.

Oh, you will be fine then. You have to reassure her and let her know what you just wrote here. Don’t give excuses, explain what you understand about her angst. That will go much further especially if you share this information with her sooner than later. While she’s thinking, you want her thinking on the things she knows, not the things you assume that she should know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe honeymoon in Hawaii?

Or even elope. Why not? Sounds great. DCUM can plan your wedding. We’ve helped with an engagement ring before you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think your girlfriend is exhibiting some red flag immature behavior. Friend has something I think I should have now,get upset, start a fight. I don't get my way pout and storm off to friend's house.

She’s 31 —- watching others get engaged around you can be triggering. I do think that the possibility of her feeling like she didn’t want to pressure him may have come into play. Another PP mentioned this and I think this scenario is common.

It's still immature getting engaged in not a race. This is the kind of behavior and thought process that ends so many of you in trash marriages and getting divorced or just sticking it out until the kids are 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is not immature. I do understand how she may be feeling. She watched friends stay in relationships for years with the intentions of getting married and it never happened. I do think she is worried that it may never happen. I also think the fact that everyone is getting engaged and married is making her feel like she needs a timeline in order to have kids. She has always said she wants two kids and wants to have kids by 40.

You blew it. You're the girlfriend looking for reassurance you did the right thing pretending you're the boyfriend.

Good luck to you girl. You do need to grow up, you aren't ready for marriage no matter what you think, and you if you do you'll be marrying the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP maybe honeymoon in Hawaii?

Or even elope. Why not? Sounds great. DCUM can plan your wedding. We’ve helped with an engagement ring before you know.

OP here. We will not elope. We both want a wedding with family and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think your girlfriend is exhibiting some red flag immature behavior. Friend has something I think I should have now,get upset, start a fight. I don't get my way pout and storm off to friend's house.

She’s 31 —- watching others get engaged around you can be triggering. I do think that the possibility of her feeling like she didn’t want to pressure him may have come into play. Another PP mentioned this and I think this scenario is common.

It's still immature getting engaged in not a race. This is the kind of behavior and thought process that ends so many of you in trash marriages and getting divorced or just sticking it out until the kids are 18.

PP. I do agree that the approach is immature and doesn’t bode well. But as you’ve said — it’s really common. But it’s like trying to explain to a newlywed couple how parenting changes everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is not immature. I do understand how she may be feeling. She watched friends stay in relationships for years with the intentions of getting married and it never happened. I do think she is worried that it may never happen. I also think the fact that everyone is getting engaged and married is making her feel like she needs a timeline in order to have kids. She has always said she wants two kids and wants to have kids by 40.

You blew it. You're the girlfriend looking for reassurance you did the right thing pretending you're the boyfriend.

Good luck to you girl. You do need to grow up, you aren't ready for marriage no matter what you think, and you if you do you'll be marrying the wrong guy for the wrong reasons.

Wut

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are very worried you are going to lose her think about what that means about how you feel. Do you have a history of commitment phobia? Do you see yourself getting married TO HER? YOu have only been dating this covid year? It's not a normal year to get your bearing in a relationship.

OP here. I don’t have any commitment issues. I plan on marrying her. Most of our relationship has been during the pandemic. I want to wait a little longer because we won’t even be able to plan a wedding anyway with the pandemic. I also want her to be able to meet my family.

NP - Is there something you think you may learn with friends and family that will change your mind? If not, there is no reason you can’t figure out a way, whether it’s on FaceTime or an outdoor socially distanced small gathering with close family (like parents) in order for them to at least know who she is and everyone else can get to know her better as your fiancée once things open up and you can meet in person. If you need to meet everyone in person, knowing that is delayed with the pandemic, to be confident of your choice, okay, but it’s fair for her to say she doesn’t want to wait that long for an audition so to speak.

As for the venue, logistically, there are a bunch of people with weddings planned in 2020 and early 2021 that postponed plus people that got engaged in that timeframe that will all be planning weddings when everywhere opens up for big weddings again. Unless you are extremely flexible, having a small wedding, going to a courthouse etc, it could take 1.5 year engagement to get the venue you want and timeframe etc. I was married pre-pandemic many years ago and we had 1.5 year engagement because I wanted a Spring wedding and we were engaged in December. All the venues we wanted were booked a year in advance for a Saturday.

OP here. Neither of us have met any of each others families beyond me meeting her parents. My parents live in another state and so does my brother. They met her over video but that’s it. It’s important to me that they meet and get along.

If they meet and don’t get along are you going to break up with her?

OP here. Probably not.

She really wants to go to Hawaii. I want to take her there and propose but we can’t do that with the pandemic. I was planning it for her birthday in a couple of months but not sure if that will happen. I want to do something special for her.

Probably not = you might. You aren't ready to propose because deep down you're not sure you want to marry her. That is totally fine and you shouldn't rush into something you're not sure about, but it's also totally fine for her to decide she doesn't want to spend more time on a relationship that may not be going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I just heard her ex was coming to town. Timing is coincidental?

[Anonymous]

I just hope if she has sex with someone else during your break that she doesn’t tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just hope if she has sex with someone else during your break that she doesn’t tell you.

Why not? Just direct him to the advice in that troll thread, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is not immature. I do understand how she may be feeling. She watched friends stay in relationships for years with the intentions of getting married and it never happened. I do think she is worried that it may never happen. I also think the fact that everyone is getting engaged and married is making her feel like she needs a timeline in order to have kids. She has always said she wants two kids and wants to have kids by 40.

I can see that. All these plans about waiting until her family can be involved in engagement and going to Hawaii etc. before getting engaged, when you know these are delayed due to the pandemic, could be perceived as finding reasons to put it off unless she has been saying those things are more important to her than being engaged sooner. If she isn’t saying it, why are you using things she doesn’t find important as an excuse to delay proposing?

If meeting your family in person is important and this is something that is realistic to accomplish soon, I would expect concrete plans to make it happen. If it’s in driving distance but not close, stay at an air B&B versus a hotel. Also if your parents have a backyard and it’s not a snowy tundra, plan to see them outside and get food to bring id everyone is being cautious. We haven’t seen in-laws much since the pandemic but we did see them twice in the fall - they drove up and back in a day (2 hours away) for my dd birthday, we took tables outside to eat in backyard and were at different tabes, stayed six feet apart, used hand sanitizer and didn’t cross paths in the house and didn’t see any other relatives at that gathering. Did not see them at Thanksgiving or Christmas.

[Anonymous]

It’s astoundingly immature of your girlfriend to leave your shared apartment and take a “break” from you as a direct consequence of a single conversation about marriage. While she is entitled to have a timeline, the normal healthy thing to do is have that conversation, she speaks her peace, and you agree to come back to the issue in a month or two. She doesn’t get to bring it up and sulk and leave.

Also, you’re entirely reasonable to think one year is early to start insisting on engagement. It’s also VERY early to storm out of the relationship if you don’t get immediately engaged.

My guess is your girlfriend is either super immature (red flag) or she actually realized post conversation that she’s not in love with you.

Either way, I would tread very very cautiously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s astoundingly immature of your girlfriend to leave your shared apartment and take a “break” from you as a direct consequence of a single conversation about marriage. While she is entitled to have a timeline, the normal healthy thing to do is have that conversation, she speaks her peace, and you agree to come back to the issue in a month or two. She doesn’t get to bring it up and sulk and leave.

Also, you’re entirely reasonable to think one year is early to start insisting on engagement. It’s also VERY early to storm out of the relationship if you don’t get immediately engaged.

My guess is your girlfriend is either super immature (red flag) or she actually realized post conversation that she’s not in love with you.

Either way, I would tread very very cautiously.

This. One year is perfectly fine for her to “know” that he’s the one and clarify her desire to more forward on a quick timeline.

However, one year is way too early for her to break up over the issue. Especially after only one conversation, and especially if he didn’t shut the idea of marriage down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s astoundingly immature of your girlfriend to leave your shared apartment and take a “break” from you as a direct consequence of a single conversation about marriage. While she is entitled to have a timeline, the normal healthy thing to do is have that conversation, she speaks her peace, and you agree to come back to the issue in a month or two. She doesn’t get to bring it up and sulk and leave.

Also, you’re entirely reasonable to think one year is early to start insisting on engagement. It’s also VERY early to storm out of the relationship if you don’t get immediately engaged.

My guess is your girlfriend is either super immature (red flag) or she actually realized post conversation that she’s not in love with you.

Either way, I would tread very very cautiously.

NP and I have to agree - it IS a red flag. This is a very normal discussion to have but the fact that she went off to stay with a friend over one conversation doesn’t bode well; it’s immature and a bit manipulative. And it seems arbitrary - you plan to get engaged in what amounts to a few months and get married before the year is out, it sounds like. I’m wondering if she is sabotaging the relationship, or shaking things up because SHE is having second thoughts.

The mature thing is to stay and hash it out,