Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay

[Anonymous]

I really think in 2021 there’s nothing to be sad about.

[Anonymous]

One more point here -- OP, your expectations may have actually made a climate that means your daughter is scared to come out to you. If you're always talking about her future husband or boyfriend or have made it so the expectation is heteronormativity, she already knows you're going to be "sad."

She may not be gay. But for the sake of your kid, start now by speaking positively about the topic. Mention a lesbian couple in the news. Say "boyfriend or girlfriend" the next time something like that comes up in conversation. Create the climate now.... don't wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think in 2021 there’s nothing to be sad about.

We were sad because we knew our child would struggle more.

[Anonymous]

It's easier when they come out as trans because you can laugh about possible names they considered. We laughed over names she could use, even though she had already long since decided.

[Anonymous]

Mom to a queer 17 year old who came out to us when they were 12. We've recently revisited some of these issues (child is gender non conforming so there was a second coming out process). Our child tells us: just say you love them. Nothing else. Not "this will be hard for me, this will take time, this is a concept I need to better understand" etc. You can and will think those things, work through them, and/or even discuss them/work them through with your kid. But not when she comes out to you.

I agree wi PPs that you might want to consider taking this up with your therapist. One of the grandparents in our family struggles with our child's queerness and has had some really notable comments that my child will *never* forget, including one that focused on exactly your issue around weddings. One of the PPs nailed it - what's your long game? Do you want to be the person who failed to be there emotionally for your daughter? This grandparent in our family, btw, is the only person in a very far flung network - people of multiple Christian backgrounds, means, & political viewpoints - who said anything remotely unsupportive while also saying "I love you no matter what." And, like a PP said, my DC has certainly noted it. Coming out is a big deal.

[Anonymous]

You say-- I love you just the way you are and give her a big hug. You are allowed to feel disappointed. Just don't tell your daughter.

[Anonymous]

It's so much more important that she ends up with a partner who treats her with kindness and love, not that person's gender. Make sure your daughter knows she deserves to be loved and treated well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

I appreciate the honesty of this reply, OP, even if I don’t understand it. I think you realize that this is about you and your fears and not your daughter’s concerns or her happiness. That’s the first hurdle. My suggestion is to focus on the long game. Do you want a future relationship with your daughter? Do you want to be involved in your grandkids life? Then get this right. You love her and are happy she’s happy, right? So just decide to mean it.

NP here and this PP's reply was both kind and helpful. Anyone can have a vision for something, and when it doesn't turn out as planned, there is disappointment. I commend you OP for wanting to do right by your DD regardless of how you feel. That's half the battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think in 2021 there’s nothing to be sad about.

We were sad because we knew our child would struggle more.

Chicken/egg - this attitude is part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for all your helpful and kind replies. Any advice on how to work through my own disappointment?

Your daughter is 17. She knows how you feel.

It’s unfair (and unkind) to ask gay people to help you work through your disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think in 2021 there’s nothing to be sad about.

We were sad because we knew our child would struggle more.

Chicken/egg - this attitude is part of the problem.

Knowing that the current reality is that it's still more of a struggle is acknowledging a fact, which you can work to change--it's not causing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for all your helpful and kind replies. Any advice on how to work through my own disappointment?

Your daughter is 17. She knows how you feel.

It’s unfair (and unkind) to ask gay people to help you work through your disappointment.

What? OP doesn't appear to be asking her daughter for this kind of help. You're just itching for a fight.

[Anonymous]

"I love you for who you are.". Keep repeating to yourself until you believe it.

And that extends to all other areas of life: religion, sexuality, occupation, hobbies... Love your kids for who they are. Stop wanting them to be something other than what's right for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for all your helpful and kind replies. Any advice on how to work through my own disappointment?

Your daughter is 17. She knows how you feel.

It’s unfair (and unkind) to ask gay people to help you work through your disappointment.

What? OP doesn't appear to be asking her daughter for this kind of help. You're just itching for a fight.

NP. I think PP meant asking for help getting over her disappointment from the lgbt community on this board. Not asking the daughter for help. I think OP is too heteronormative. Being gay only carries stigma with people who are looking through the same lens as you. Maybe talk to a therapist about how to start changing your perspective, or be around some gay people more. Try PFLAG. When you start to realize being attracted to people of the same gender isn’t a burden and is quite normal, maybe you can be happy for your daughter. She’s the same person she was before you realized she might be gay.

Also, for things not to say: if it comes up in conversation she may not be ready to come out to you (because she probably knows your feelings on the topic and is reluctant to share). She may skirt the issue, give non answers to avoid lying but imply she’s hetero, or she might outright lie to keep up appearances. Those are all fairly normal choices for people who are afraid their family won’t be supportive. If she implies or straight up says she’s not gay, don’t act or say that you’re thankful she’s straight and you had been worried for nothing.

[Anonymous]

I really hope my kids don’t turn out gay but if they do I guess I will remind myself that as a parent you really just want your kid to be happy