Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

Where do you live? In the DC area (at least the parts in which I've lived), this is absolutely not the case.

As a lesbian the Op is right. Most people tolerate gay people but don’t really accept them. People still see 2 parent heterosexual families as the norm.

Just look at the way the black community is treated about “fatherless” homes.

It’s obvious people don’t support lesbians with the the way Americans talk about children “needing” fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope my kids don’t turn out gay but if they do I guess I will remind myself that as a parent you really just want your kid to be happy

Why do you hope that? And do you think your gay kid would be happy if they knew that their parent had hoped they weren't?

I'm not the PP, but my best friend is a gay man and a father. He and his husband have a young child born via surrogate. They both say they will love the child no matter what but hope the child is not gay - not because there's anything wrong with being gay, not because they are self hating, but because even in this day and age gay people still have it pretty hard and face discrimination. Perhaps this is what PP meant.

No, actually, they are self hating. I used to think that too, and realized it was internalized homophobia.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really hope my kids don’t turn out gay but if they do I guess I will remind myself that as a parent you really just want your kid to be happy

Lmaooool

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for all your helpful and kind replies. Any advice on how to work through my own disappointment?

We're queer and at least one of ours is straight. We just have to remember that they need to live their own lives and find their own happiness. Support them, as you would in any other area of life. Resolve to equalize gayness with straightness in your head, one is just more prevalent. And, most of all, remain in her corner as she navigates the fun and relationship challenges in her 20s. Ultimately, you likely want for her the same as you did before - good career, independently able to support herself, a healthy, supportive life partner that thinks she's the best person to have ever existed, and maybe grandkids. All of those are 100% do-able if you are gay/queer in many places in the US today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope my kids don’t turn out gay but if they do I guess I will remind myself that as a parent you really just want your kid to be happy

Why do you hope that? And do you think your gay kid would be happy if they knew that their parent had hoped they weren't?

I'm not the PP, but my best friend is a gay man and a father. He and his husband have a young child born via surrogate. They both say they will love the child no matter what but hope the child is not gay - not because there's anything wrong with being gay, not because they are self hating, but because even in this day and age gay people still have it pretty hard and face discrimination. Perhaps this is what PP meant.

No, actually, they are self hating. I used to think that too, and realized it was internalized homophobia.

Exactly.

I completely disagree. They should know how hard it is. Don't minimize their experience. That's so condescending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

Where do you live? In the DC area (at least the parts in which I've lived), this is absolutely not the case.

As a lesbian the Op is right. Most people tolerate gay people but don’t really accept them. People still see 2 parent heterosexual families as the norm.

Just look at the way the black community is treated about “fatherless” homes.

It’s obvious people don’t support lesbians with the the way Americans talk about children “needing” fathers.

Yeah, I mean, she'll have to pick her location thoughtfully. That's the one annoying thing (well, and safety when traveling), you can't just live in any old place. But, she has many more choices than we did in our 20s. Eastern Coast of Florida (in the aouther part), many places in MA, all West Coast large coastal cities, NYC, etc. In fact, in some West Coast cities it is truly so, so easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Just want to thank everyone who has commented on this thread. I am honestly trying to do right by my daughter, and really appreciate the advice. It’s also hard because this isn’t an issue every parent faces, so I don’t feel like I can turn to friends for support - none of them have dealt with this issue, as far as I know.

You'd be surprised. After I came out and my parents got comfortable talking about it with friends and acquaintances (you know, even just mentioning my partner and I and something we were doing without dodging names or pronouns) they were so shocked at how many of their friends had a gay or queer kid, or sibling or niece/nephew. For a while they would call to tell me these stories. It was kind of cute. Then one day I was just like..you guys, of course! Who do you think I'm out there dating?! There are many, many others and they're part of families just like me. We had a good laugh. I bet you have quite a number of friends with a gay relative, including their kids. It's just that, like you, they don't talk about it for whatever reason...probably fear of rejection from their peers.