Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay

[Anonymous]

DD, 17, seems to be in a relationship with another girl. Hasn’t come out to us. I’m afraid she’s going to come out and I won’t instinctively know how to be as supportive as she needs me to be. If/when she does come out, I want to be as supportive as I can be. What are some things to say (or not to say)? I recognize that I may need to work through my own issues on this (ie, my own feelings of disappointment), which I plan to do, but in the meantime, I’d be grateful for any advice on how to respond if/when a child comes out to you. TIA.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should make a big deal about it.

[Anonymous]

Honey, we love you and always will love you. That's all you'd need to say to start, especially while working on your own feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

I remember when my niece came out, she was 20 or 21 at the time and nobody had the slightest idea this was coming. She always had a bf in high school, very nice proper boys, and a couple of bad bf's after h.s.

My sister (7 years younger than me and much more of a rebel her entire life) told me that when their kids were little she and my BIL actually discussed this as a hypothetical for the future and agreed then and there they would absolutely support them. Although niece has struggled with her same sex relationships as much as her previous hetero ones. OTOH her female partners have not abused her or broken down a door in their apt, they had other MH issues.

[Anonymous]

What specifically are you worried about, OP?

[Anonymous]

I love and support you always.

[Anonymous]

Say: "thank you for trusting me," "I love you and want you to be happy," "how are you feeling now and is there anything you want to talk about with me?"

Don't say: "are you sure?" "I'm disappointed," "I love you anyway" (as though its bad).

[Anonymous]

Tell her very emphatically that you love her!! And a big hus. Aside from that, if you want, express that you need some time to adjust to the idea. You should be allowed that without judgement.

[Anonymous]

hus = hug

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say: "thank you for trusting me," "I love you and want you to be happy," "how are you feeling now and is there anything you want to talk about with me?"

Don't say: "are you sure?" "I'm disappointed," "I love you anyway" (as though its bad).

All of this. Use the time before she speaks to you to examine your feelings - what makes this sad for you, or what have you lost? (spoiler: nothing except your own expectations).

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for all your helpful and kind replies. Any advice on how to work through my own disappointment?

[Anonymous]

OP again - and please keep the suggestions coming on how best to respond/not respond when child comes out.

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3ECU6xtp68

Check out Ally Hills Coming Out Song.

As a Lesbian, here's what I think you should know. Decades after coming out to our parents, we all still talk about how they reacted. Bad reactions have negative repercussions for the future of the relationship - most mend, but a parent's reaction to coming out is never ever forgotten. When the conversations come up, no one ever says "it was so long ago, I hardly remember." It is a very big deal.

I hope you figure out your disappointment and get over it. As a parent, I don't understand it at all. But, you have a lot of company.

[Anonymous]

PFLAG is a great group for this - parents of LGBTQ kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for all your helpful and kind replies. Any advice on how to work through my own disappointment?

Can you articulate what saddens/disappoints you about this? That might help.