Feeling sad that daughter seems to be gay

[Anonymous]

OP pleeeeease I hope you can find it in your heart to be nothing but supportive.

I just got out of a relationship that was sort of doomed from the beginning due to my partner’s religious upbringing and her relationship with her parents. She was petrified of them meeting me because of her parents’ negative reaction to meeting her previous partner. As our relationship became more serious, she began pushing me away and ended up sabotaging the relationship rather than going through that again. There were other issues too, but this was absolutely heartbreaking and I don’t wish it on anyone.
I don’t think we lesbians would have as many mental health issues if our families would just love and accept us as we are.

[Anonymous]

Echoing PP — what exactly are you disappointed by? That she won’t get married? Because she can. Because she won’t have kids? Lesbian couples can and do have kids. So what are you worried about?

What I wish my mom said to me “I’m glad you’re figuring your who you are. I love you.”

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

[Anonymous]

OP again. And I don’t know why to do with that sadness. I realize I need to deal with it, for my daughter’s sake. But I can’t deny the reality that I feel sad.

[Anonymous]

what to do, not why

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

It’s 2021. It’s a non issue. Express support, chat and bond over it, and be there for her every step of the way. Be excited! You have the awesome opportunity to set the tone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD, 17, seems to be in a relationship with another girl. Hasn’t come out to us. I’m afraid she’s going to come out and I won’t instinctively know how to be as supportive as she needs me to be. If/when she does come out, I want to be as supportive as I can be. What are some things to say (or not to say)? I recognize that I may need to work through my own issues on this (ie, my own feelings of disappointment), which I plan to do, but in the meantime, I’d be grateful for any advice on how to respond if/when a child comes out to you. TIA.

True confession. I feel this so much, OP. Big hugs. I think I would also feel this sadness that I can only explain as homophobia that is extremely localized to my own kid. I say that because I have several gay friends whom I adore! So it doesn't even make sense that it would make me sad for my own child to come out as a lesbian.
But I think it would. And that is my problem, not hers. I just want to give you encouragement on your journey to being at peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Just hug her and say "Thank you for telling me. I love you." That's all someone needs when they come out to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

Honestly, nobody cares as much as you do. So don’t blame on “society” what you feel yourself. So she finds a loving wife, has a family of her own, you get to attend the wedding and watch her marry her bride, and you get another daughter in the family. Is that really such a big deal? If you’re worried about the stigma from society, start by getting right in your own head. Believe me, if she is in a relatively liberal area nobody cares anymore. People barely notice. Just because it doesn’t mesh with your fantasies doesn’t mean that she can’t have a wonderful life. In order to deal with your disappointment, you have to realize that your fantasies are what you want, not what she wants. Try to care more about her happiness than your own.

Of course, if what you’re really worried about is what people will think of YOU, then that is on you to deal with. A counselor may be able to help you.

Signed, a married lesbian with kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would feel sad for a while, too. I would just signal my acceptance and love once she comes out, but not make a big deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

You just answered yourself here — it’s not that society doesn’t think it’s normal (in fact society is so much more accepting of gay marriage and gay parents now a days with the exception of fundamental conservatives) YOU don’t think it’s normal. This is a you problem which means that you should seek help on getting over it. Regardless if your daughter ends up gay or bi or anything else. If you have undertones of “sad” it will come out and it will harm your relationship. Go talk to someone now and figure this out before your daughter says anything.

It also sounds like you have other daughters. Trust me, they’re watching your reaction to this, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

Wow. I have imagined things for my kids, including having a family in the future. But rather than hoping they would find someone of the opposite sex, I always hoped they would find someone who makes them happy and treats them well. My guess is that since a partner of the opposite sex is so important to you, your daughter already knows your feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

Where do you live? In the DC area (at least the parts in which I've lived), this is absolutely not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. I guess what disappoints me is that I always imagined one day she would find a loving husband and would one day have a traditional family of her own. I looked forward to attending her wedding, and watching her marry her groom, and adding a son-in-law to the family (all my children are girls). I realize of course lesbian couples can marry and have children. But I feel society still attaches some stigma to these family structures and doesn’t perceive then as fully “normal.” So as much as I want to be supportive - and I will fake it if I have to - the truth is, I’m feeling sad.

I appreciate the honesty of this reply, OP, even if I don’t understand it. I think you realize that this is about you and your fears and not your daughter’s concerns or her happiness. That’s the first hurdle. My suggestion is to focus on the long game. Do you want a future relationship with your daughter? Do you want to be involved in your grandkids life? Then get this right. You love her and are happy she’s happy, right? So just decide to mean it.

[Anonymous]

You'll need to grieve your expectations.