How many people whose don’t consider their marriage troubled would not remarry their spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse is a good parent and you love the way your kids are who they are, and your marriage is untroubled, isn’t it highly perverse/bad karma to entertain thoughts that you should have married someone else? Because things might have turned out much worse.

I am definitely in the camp of what if. It's normal.

Half of marriages are unhappy and half of the rest are in the stable, reasonably content on most days but are basically a friendship and caring relationship. Who doesn't miss great sex and passion?

Reading the responses here confirms that some marriages do have it all, and its great for them. Mine is a comfortable partnership, but I have to pull teeth to have any semblance of a sex life. It makes me realize that if we weren't married with kids, we would move on as great friends. Statistically, I could have done worse but I could have gotten lucky and done better too, you know?

[Anonymous]

10 year unions and then get out. I think a lifetime of marriage to the same person is too long for most people. You might want to stick with the same person, then you can re-up at the 10 year mark.

Married, happily, but honestly could take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your spouse is a good parent and you love the way your kids are who they are, and your marriage is untroubled, isn’t it highly perverse/bad karma to entertain thoughts that you should have married someone else? Because things might have turned out much worse.

I am definitely in the camp of what if. It's normal.

Half of marriages are unhappy and half of the rest are in the stable, reasonably content on most days but are basically a friendship and caring relationship. Who doesn't miss great sex and passion?

Reading the responses here confirms that some marriages do have it all, and its great for them. Mine is a comfortable partnership, but I have to pull teeth to have any semblance of a sex life. It makes me realize that if we weren't married with kids, we would move on as great friends. Statistically, I could have done worse but I could have gotten lucky and done better too, you know?

It’s not just about sex. I have a great sex life but I still think I would have been better off marrying somebody who is more compassionate toward my mental and physical illnesses.

To the first PP, this isn’t something I think about often, and when I think about it I always recognize that my life is good and there is no guarantee I’m right that I would have been better off marrying somebody else or not marrying anybody at all. But I would just be lying to myself if I didn’t acknowledge what I was feeling. No point in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 year unions and then get out. I think a lifetime of marriage to the same person is too long for most people. You might want to stick with the same person, then you can re-up at the 10 year mark.

Married, happily, but honestly could take it or leave it.

Seems terrible for the stability of kids and so not worth the drama.

[Anonymous]

I dont believe in the one, so its hard to answer this. But I think few people have it all. I like my spouse, he's a loyal partner, very interesting and generally a good person. our sex life is blah. But the biggest reaons I am not sure I'd remarry him (or that i would hold out for someone else if I could go back in time) because there are some genetic issues on his side that became clear only in time and that have greatly impacted one of our kids. This sounds harsh, but he has himself said he wished we had used a sperm donor, etc. But life is not a redo, and so here we are. No point wasting time pining for what could have been, so we make the best of what we have and my life with him is far better than without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 year unions and then get out. I think a lifetime of marriage to the same person is too long for most people. You might want to stick with the same person, then you can re-up at the 10 year mark.

Married, happily, but honestly could take it or leave it.

Seems terrible for the stability of kids and so not worth the drama.

The whole point of marriage is for stability of families and finances. The 10 year thing is pointless. Just cheat if you must, no need to blow up families just to have a good sex life again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been married for 20 years to a man who is a great husband and father, and although I have no intention of leaving him, I have to admit that if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have married him.
The main issue is that I just don’t find him interesting anymore.


It’s strange, because on the one hand I consider myself happily married because we get along, he’s great, and I don’t plan on leaving him. But If I could go back in time I wouldn’t marry him.

I’m not asking for advice, I’m just really curious how common it is for people who would consider themselves happily married, to think that they wouldn’t make the same choice if they could do it again.

My marriage is troubled, but even before it was I should not have married my husband without him going to anger management therapy. I'm not sure that would have saved things, but it might have been a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hm. I think my DH might feel this way.

I get a lot of negative attention from other people. I grew up just outside of the city. We tried living in my hometown when we first got married but got driven out by pernicious gossip from people who knew my parents and were jealous of us for random reasons. They threatened us and our child. I didn’t realize who was threatening us right away and we moved 30 miles to get away from them. Come to find out, a few people there knew people that knew my family and got to know my son through school. They also gossiped, made assumptions, and are trying to drive us out of our home now due to their own insecurities and nasty gossip. I get threats regularly about this. I found some on this site recently and that is why I started reading it.

My DH is trying to find a new job in a new city. We find that it takes a while for the threats to start and think there might be fewer threats if we move somewhere where no one knows my mother. It breaks her heart. She is a good person and very private. People can be so greedy and cruel and not realize how much they hurt people.

If it was not for that, then I think he would marry me all over again. He says he would anyway just to make me feel better. That’s what a good spouse does. After 20 years, I think there must always be something difficult.

This is so weird.

What are they threatening you with? No offense, but this sounds super paranoid. They find out who your mother is and threaten you? They drive you out of town? That doesn’t make any sense.

The threats are always about money. They think I inherited a lot of money. They demand a quarter of a million. People are very greedy. Why do you think the money page is so popular?

I’m sure it sounds crazy but the threats come verbally, in emails, in phone calls, and online harassment. They stole my social security number and tried to open a bank account in my name. 10 years of this and it comes in waves. I notice it more at some times than others.

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between the money harassment and other garden variety bullying that happens in life. I’m sure I do seem paranoid when I can’t figure it out right away.

I try not to be paranoid but it’s hard when you are getting threats regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21.

I hear this a lot from people who married young. When I went back to my high school reunion, many years after graduating, I saw many couples who married each other after going to college and getting good jobs, they are in good, stable, profitable careers - they are now professionals who essentially grew up together, in one way or another. Some of the slouches/potheads from high school are doing remarkably well, and some of the most promising, popular, beautiful jocks died from painkiller overdoses, but I digress. I wonder why these couples generally "work", and I think it is because of the shared background, the same point of reference - they understand each other. The couples I know, who are suffering more than twenty years in, have less in common, to begin with - they don't respect each other because they do not respect where the other came from. Fine, they were beautiful when they were young, and they still might be, but God are they stupid or lazy or whatever, and the other one can't respect that. It gets old, and we lose patience with familiarity.

I also think marriage served a different purpose in a different time, and depending on economic background. I know couples from our grandparents generation, who married because the wife just wanted out of the midwest inbred dustbowl, and found a military man to make that happen. With visions of "seeing the world", albeit from a military base - why not? I also know couples from our grandparents generation who immigrated and fell in love, but they came from similar outlooks in their families, so it worked - same serious work ethic, same drive, same education level, same goals, same will to do well together, as an actual team. I think that if you have nothing in common, besides initial inertia from hormones, the will to make babies, and maybe college drinking buddies - then no, it won't work. But I think if you carry the same long term, in depth mentality, overall - that is a different story.

Too much of anything is never good.

This is really, really insightful. And the line in bold really hit me hard. DH and I are interracial, intercultural, and interfaith. I had reservations from the beginning about DH’s family and our differences. He was crazy about me and would overwhelm me with wooing whenever I expressed doubt. Fast forward 10 years, we’re unhappily married. I realize from what you wrote that it’s because we don’t respect where the other comes from. I think he is a stupid, lazy, entitled white man from a family of racist idiots who don’t deserve what they have. He thinks I’m an aloof elitist from a success-obsessed culture with greedy parents who put upward mobility over family. We are probably both right about each other! I would never remarry him and regret marrying someone so different from myself in every way. Commonality really matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:10 year unions and then get out. I think a lifetime of marriage to the same person is too long for most people. You might want to stick with the same person, then you can re-up at the 10 year mark.

Married, happily, but honestly could take it or leave it.

Seems terrible for the stability of kids and so not worth the drama.

The whole point of marriage is for stability of families and finances. The 10 year thing is pointless. Just cheat if you must, no need to blow up families just to have a good sex life again.

Why? We still get along great and have a great sex life at 24 years. I don’t want anyone new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hm. I think my DH might feel this way.

I get a lot of negative attention from other people. I grew up just outside of the city. We tried living in my hometown when we first got married but got driven out by pernicious gossip from people who knew my parents and were jealous of us for random reasons. They threatened us and our child. I didn’t realize who was threatening us right away and we moved 30 miles to get away from them. Come to find out, a few people there knew people that knew my family and got to know my son through school. They also gossiped, made assumptions, and are trying to drive us out of our home now due to their own insecurities and nasty gossip. I get threats regularly about this. I found some on this site recently and that is why I started reading it.

My DH is trying to find a new job in a new city. We find that it takes a while for the threats to start and think there might be fewer threats if we move somewhere where no one knows my mother. It breaks her heart. She is a good person and very private. People can be so greedy and cruel and not realize how much they hurt people.

If it was not for that, then I think he would marry me all over again. He says he would anyway just to make me feel better. That’s what a good spouse does. After 20 years, I think there must always be something difficult.

This is so weird.

What are they threatening you with? No offense, but this sounds super paranoid. They find out who your mother is and threaten you? They drive you out of town? That doesn’t make any sense.

The threats are always about money. They think I inherited a lot of money. They demand a quarter of a million. People are very greedy. Why do you think the money page is so popular?

I’m sure it sounds crazy but the threats come verbally, in emails, in phone calls, and online harassment. They stole my social security number and tried to open a bank account in my name. 10 years of this and it comes in waves. I notice it more at some times than others.

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between the money harassment and other garden variety bullying that happens in life. I’m sure I do seem paranoid when I can’t figure it out right away.

I try not to be paranoid but it’s hard when you are getting threats regularly.

Wth? Call the police. So basically you are being blackmailed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hm. I think my DH might feel this way.

I get a lot of negative attention from other people. I grew up just outside of the city. We tried living in my hometown when we first got married but got driven out by pernicious gossip from people who knew my parents and were jealous of us for random reasons. They threatened us and our child. I didn’t realize who was threatening us right away and we moved 30 miles to get away from them. Come to find out, a few people there knew people that knew my family and got to know my son through school. They also gossiped, made assumptions, and are trying to drive us out of our home now due to their own insecurities and nasty gossip. I get threats regularly about this. I found some on this site recently and that is why I started reading it.

My DH is trying to find a new job in a new city. We find that it takes a while for the threats to start and think there might be fewer threats if we move somewhere where no one knows my mother. It breaks her heart. She is a good person and very private. People can be so greedy and cruel and not realize how much they hurt people.

If it was not for that, then I think he would marry me all over again. He says he would anyway just to make me feel better. That’s what a good spouse does. After 20 years, I think there must always be something difficult.

This is so weird.

What are they threatening you with? No offense, but this sounds super paranoid. They find out who your mother is and threaten you? They drive you out of town? That doesn’t make any sense.

The threats are always about money. They think I inherited a lot of money. They demand a quarter of a million. People are very greedy. Why do you think the money page is so popular?

I’m sure it sounds crazy but the threats come verbally, in emails, in phone calls, and online harassment. They stole my social security number and tried to open a bank account in my name. 10 years of this and it comes in waves. I notice it more at some times than others.

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between the money harassment and other garden variety bullying that happens in life. I’m sure I do seem paranoid when I can’t figure it out right away.

I try not to be paranoid but it’s hard when you are getting threats regularly.

Wth? Call the police. So basically you are being blackmailed?

Agree. Pp. What did your mother do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hm. I think my DH might feel this way.

I get a lot of negative attention from other people. I grew up just outside of the city. We tried living in my hometown when we first got married but got driven out by pernicious gossip from people who knew my parents and were jealous of us for random reasons. They threatened us and our child. I didn’t realize who was threatening us right away and we moved 30 miles to get away from them. Come to find out, a few people there knew people that knew my family and got to know my son through school. They also gossiped, made assumptions, and are trying to drive us out of our home now due to their own insecurities and nasty gossip. I get threats regularly about this. I found some on this site recently and that is why I started reading it.

My DH is trying to find a new job in a new city. We find that it takes a while for the threats to start and think there might be fewer threats if we move somewhere where no one knows my mother. It breaks her heart. She is a good person and very private. People can be so greedy and cruel and not realize how much they hurt people.

If it was not for that, then I think he would marry me all over again. He says he would anyway just to make me feel better. That’s what a good spouse does. After 20 years, I think there must always be something difficult.

This is so weird.

What are they threatening you with? No offense, but this sounds super paranoid. They find out who your mother is and threaten you? They drive you out of town? That doesn’t make any sense.

The threats are always about money. They think I inherited a lot of money. They demand a quarter of a million. People are very greedy. Why do you think the money page is so popular?

I’m sure it sounds crazy but the threats come verbally, in emails, in phone calls, and online harassment. They stole my social security number and tried to open a bank account in my name. 10 years of this and it comes in waves. I notice it more at some times than others.

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between the money harassment and other garden variety bullying that happens in life. I’m sure I do seem paranoid when I can’t figure it out right away.

I try not to be paranoid but it’s hard when you are getting threats regularly.

Wth? Call the police. So basically you are being blackmailed?

Agree. Pp. What did your mother do?

not to derail this thread ... but i really want PP to come back and tell us more about their mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have married anyone. I think I’d prefer to be alone rather than in a long-term committed relationship.

+1

I am not meant to be married. Not because I have a problem with monogamy but I want to be totally independent. So I’d rather be alone because I think my life would be more full.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry anyone. Never. I hate it. It’s not him. It’s me. I hate being married.