How many people whose don’t consider their marriage troubled would not remarry their spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hm. I think my DH might feel this way.

I get a lot of negative attention from other people. I grew up just outside of the city. We tried living in my hometown when we first got married but got driven out by pernicious gossip from people who knew my parents and were jealous of us for random reasons. They threatened us and our child. I didn’t realize who was threatening us right away and we moved 30 miles to get away from them. Come to find out, a few people there knew people that knew my family and got to know my son through school. They also gossiped, made assumptions, and are trying to drive us out of our home now due to their own insecurities and nasty gossip. I get threats regularly about this. I found some on this site recently and that is why I started reading it.

My DH is trying to find a new job in a new city. We find that it takes a while for the threats to start and think there might be fewer threats if we move somewhere where no one knows my mother. It breaks her heart. She is a good person and very private. People can be so greedy and cruel and not realize how much they hurt people.

If it was not for that, then I think he would marry me all over again. He says he would anyway just to make me feel better. That’s what a good spouse does. After 20 years, I think there must always be something difficult.

You sound like you have a serious problem with paranoia. I hope you are getting help (sincerely meant - please get help).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21.

I hear this a lot from people who married young. When I went back to my high school reunion, many years after graduating, I saw many couples who married each other after going to college and getting good jobs, they are in good, stable, profitable careers - they are now professionals who essentially grew up together, in one way or another. Some of the slouches/potheads from high school are doing remarkably well, and some of the most promising, popular, beautiful jocks died from painkiller overdoses, but I digress. I wonder why these couples generally "work", and I think it is because of the shared background, the same point of reference - they understand each other. The couples I know, who are suffering more than twenty years in, have less in common, to begin with - they don't respect each other because they do not respect where the other came from. Fine, they were beautiful when they were young, and they still might be, but God are they stupid or lazy or whatever, and the other one can't respect that. It gets old, and we lose patience with familiarity.

I also think marriage served a different purpose in a different time, and depending on economic background. I know couples from our grandparents generation, who married because the wife just wanted out of the midwest inbred dustbowl, and found a military man to make that happen. With visions of "seeing the world", albeit from a military base - why not? I also know couples from our grandparents generation who immigrated and fell in love, but they came from similar outlooks in their families, so it worked - same serious work ethic, same drive, same education level, same goals, same will to do well together, as an actual team. I think that if you have nothing in common, besides initial inertia from hormones, the will to make babies, and maybe college drinking buddies - then no, it won't work. But I think if you carry the same long term, in depth mentality, overall - that is a different story.

Too much of anything is never good.

“Midwest inbred dustbowl”? Geez. What about the filthy, crowded NYC tenement? Sick of DCUMers shitting all over the Midwest with lazy stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10 year unions and then get out. I think a lifetime of marriage to the same person is too long for most people. You might want to stick with the same person, then you can re-up at the 10 year mark.

Married, happily, but honestly could take it or leave it.

Wow. You’re my people. I have thought this for years. And also happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21.

I hear this a lot from people who married young. When I went back to my high school reunion, many years after graduating, I saw many couples who married each other after going to college and getting good jobs, they are in good, stable, profitable careers - they are now professionals who essentially grew up together, in one way or another. Some of the slouches/potheads from high school are doing remarkably well, and some of the most promising, popular, beautiful jocks died from painkiller overdoses, but I digress. I wonder why these couples generally "work", and I think it is because of the shared background, the same point of reference - they understand each other. The couples I know, who are suffering more than twenty years in, have less in common, to begin with - they don't respect each other because they do not respect where the other came from. Fine, they were beautiful when they were young, and they still might be, but God are they stupid or lazy or whatever, and the other one can't respect that. It gets old, and we lose patience with familiarity.

I also think marriage served a different purpose in a different time, and depending on economic background. I know couples from our grandparents generation, who married because the wife just wanted out of the midwest inbred dustbowl, and found a military man to make that happen. With visions of "seeing the world", albeit from a military base - why not? I also know couples from our grandparents generation who immigrated and fell in love, but they came from similar outlooks in their families, so it worked - same serious work ethic, same drive, same education level, same goals, same will to do well together, as an actual team. I think that if you have nothing in common, besides initial inertia from hormones, the will to make babies, and maybe college drinking buddies - then no, it won't work. But I think if you carry the same long term, in depth mentality, overall - that is a different story.

Too much of anything is never good.

“Midwest inbred dustbowl”? Geez. What about the filthy, crowded NYC tenement? Sick of DCUMers shitting all over the Midwest with lazy stereotypes.

That is how she describes where she is from. Take it up with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21.

I hear this a lot from people who married young. When I went back to my high school reunion, many years after graduating, I saw many couples who married each other after going to college and getting good jobs, they are in good, stable, profitable careers - they are now professionals who essentially grew up together, in one way or another. Some of the slouches/potheads from high school are doing remarkably well, and some of the most promising, popular, beautiful jocks died from painkiller overdoses, but I digress. I wonder why these couples generally "work", and I think it is because of the shared background, the same point of reference - they understand each other. The couples I know, who are suffering more than twenty years in, have less in common, to begin with - they don't respect each other because they do not respect where the other came from. Fine, they were beautiful when they were young, and they still might be, but God are they stupid or lazy or whatever, and the other one can't respect that. It gets old, and we lose patience with familiarity.

I also think marriage served a different purpose in a different time, and depending on economic background. I know couples from our grandparents generation, who married because the wife just wanted out of the midwest inbred dustbowl, and found a military man to make that happen. With visions of "seeing the world", albeit from a military base - why not? I also know couples from our grandparents generation who immigrated and fell in love, but they came from similar outlooks in their families, so it worked - same serious work ethic, same drive, same education level, same goals, same will to do well together, as an actual team. I think that if you have nothing in common, besides initial inertia from hormones, the will to make babies, and maybe college drinking buddies - then no, it won't work. But I think if you carry the same long term, in depth mentality, overall - that is a different story.

Too much of anything is never good.

This is really, really insightful. And the line in bold really hit me hard. DH and I are interracial, intercultural, and interfaith. I had reservations from the beginning about DH’s family and our differences. He was crazy about me and would overwhelm me with wooing whenever I expressed doubt. Fast forward 10 years, we’re unhappily married. I realize from what you wrote that it’s because we don’t respect where the other comes from. I think he is a stupid, lazy, entitled white man from a family of racist idiots who don’t deserve what they have. He thinks I’m an aloof elitist from a success-obsessed culture with greedy parents who put upward mobility over family. We are probably both right about each other! I would never remarry him and regret marrying someone so different from myself in every way. Commonality really matters.

Thanks. Original PP here, and I agree. I see it in my own life - so many years, generations, couples, backgrounds...... If you don't value what the other person stands for, it means almost nothing. You are lucky to have experience other cultures - as you know - some people are not so lucky, but don't know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hm. I think my DH might feel this way.

I get a lot of negative attention from other people. I grew up just outside of the city. We tried living in my hometown when we first got married but got driven out by pernicious gossip from people who knew my parents and were jealous of us for random reasons. They threatened us and our child. I didn’t realize who was threatening us right away and we moved 30 miles to get away from them. Come to find out, a few people there knew people that knew my family and got to know my son through school. They also gossiped, made assumptions, and are trying to drive us out of our home now due to their own insecurities and nasty gossip. I get threats regularly about this. I found some on this site recently and that is why I started reading it.

My DH is trying to find a new job in a new city. We find that it takes a while for the threats to start and think there might be fewer threats if we move somewhere where no one knows my mother. It breaks her heart. She is a good person and very private. People can be so greedy and cruel and not realize how much they hurt people.

If it was not for that, then I think he would marry me all over again. He says he would anyway just to make me feel better. That’s what a good spouse does. After 20 years, I think there must always be something difficult.

This is so weird.

What are they threatening you with? No offense, but this sounds super paranoid. They find out who your mother is and threaten you? They drive you out of town? That doesn’t make any sense.

The threats are always about money. They think I inherited a lot of money. They demand a quarter of a million. People are very greedy. Why do you think the money page is so popular?

I’m sure it sounds crazy but the threats come verbally, in emails, in phone calls, and online harassment. They stole my social security number and tried to open a bank account in my name. 10 years of this and it comes in waves. I notice it more at some times than others.

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between the money harassment and other garden variety bullying that happens in life. I’m sure I do seem paranoid when I can’t figure it out right away.

I try not to be paranoid but it’s hard when you are getting threats regularly.

Wait, do you owe people money? Does your mother? Not sure I understand? Are you one of those prepper types?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21.

I hear this a lot from people who married young. When I went back to my high school reunion, many years after graduating, I saw many couples who married each other after going to college and getting good jobs, they are in good, stable, profitable careers - they are now professionals who essentially grew up together, in one way or another. Some of the slouches/potheads from high school are doing remarkably well, and some of the most promising, popular, beautiful jocks died from painkiller overdoses, but I digress. I wonder why these couples generally "work", and I think it is because of the shared background, the same point of reference - they understand each other. The couples I know, who are suffering more than twenty years in, have less in common, to begin with - they don't respect each other because they do not respect where the other came from. Fine, they were beautiful when they were young, and they still might be, but God are they stupid or lazy or whatever, and the other one can't respect that. It gets old, and we lose patience with familiarity.

I also think marriage served a different purpose in a different time, and depending on economic background. I know couples from our grandparents generation, who married because the wife just wanted out of the midwest inbred dustbowl, and found a military man to make that happen. With visions of "seeing the world", albeit from a military base - why not? I also know couples from our grandparents generation who immigrated and fell in love, but they came from similar outlooks in their families, so it worked - same serious work ethic, same drive, same education level, same goals, same will to do well together, as an actual team. I think that if you have nothing in common, besides initial inertia from hormones, the will to make babies, and maybe college drinking buddies - then no, it won't work. But I think if you carry the same long term, in depth mentality, overall - that is a different story.

Too much of anything is never good.

This is really, really insightful. And the line in bold really hit me hard. DH and I are interracial, intercultural, and interfaith. I had reservations from the beginning about DH’s family and our differences. He was crazy about me and would overwhelm me with wooing whenever I expressed doubt. Fast forward 10 years, we’re unhappily married. I realize from what you wrote that it’s because we don’t respect where the other comes from. I think he is a stupid, lazy, entitled white man from a family of racist idiots who don’t deserve what they have. He thinks I’m an aloof elitist from a success-obsessed culture with greedy parents who put upward mobility over family. We are probably both right about each other! I would never remarry him and regret marrying someone so different from myself in every way. Commonality really matters.

Thanks. Original PP here, and I agree. I see it in my own life - so many years, generations, couples, backgrounds...... If you don't value what the other person stands for, it means almost nothing. You are lucky to have experience other cultures - as you know - some people are not so lucky, but don't know it.

PP again. I think it is also SO important to know what you are getting into. If your DH's family has mental health issues, it is a lot to take on, and gets more and more difficult as the years progress. In fact, sometimes it does not feel like progression, at all. Adult aspergers, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc is no joke. Family dynamics, if toxic, is really hard to navigate, like a landmine, sometimes. A new family is a whole new set of issues, sometimes for the worse. And to add to the above, mutual respect, and how your parents treated each other is most definitely important, who are your role models and most importantly WHY? Were they a positive force in your life, or did they perpetuate the negative? Too often, it is the latter. Thank you for commiserating, PP.

[Anonymous]

My husband is an amazing husband and father. Particularly being a dad - he is just amazing.
We have our bumps. He’s an independent that leans conservative, and I’m really liberal. So that has been very hard with Trump as President.
And sometimes he puts himself first way too much. Like take trips. He always asks and we plan the best time... but until the
last year, I would never say no to one of his trips. When I bring it up, he always says I’m free to do things too... it’s just that I feel guilty taking time away from the family. So it’s more that I’m stopping myself.
Anyway, there are times I wonder if I would marry him all over again. Most days the answer is yes. Lol

[Anonymous]

We get along, share goals, support each other, financially successful and on paper have a good marriage.

I think the last time we had sex was November?

It's hard to imagine people still having sex frequently after 20 years but reading these boards makes me realize some people do and that I probably married the wrong person. Once the kids are launched, there isn't any reason to stick around, assuming I still have a libido

[Anonymous]

I have a pretty good husband and I’m glad I had kids but I honestly don’t think I’m cut out for marriage/kids so I wouldn’t marry anyone at all again. I was much happier single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nobody else I would ever want to marry. We fell madly and passionately in love 24 years ago and he’s still the smartest, hottest man I know and we have same sense of humor, outlook on life and have fun together. Sex is still great.

Lucky lucky lady!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just a thought but I think it would be hard not to be bored with anyone after 20 years. Realistically being a parent is kinda boring and at least in the little kid years there's not much time for a life outside of it especially if you are a full contributor.

I would marry my spouse again although sometimes I wonder if I would have gotten married at all. Sometimes I think it would be more interesting to have a series of long-term relationships. I also like being by myself and I think dating without living together would give me more independent space.

+1

I would not marry at all if I had it to do over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hm. I think my DH might feel this way.

I get a lot of negative attention from other people. I grew up just outside of the city. We tried living in my hometown when we first got married but got driven out by pernicious gossip from people who knew my parents and were jealous of us for random reasons. They threatened us and our child. I didn’t realize who was threatening us right away and we moved 30 miles to get away from them. Come to find out, a few people there knew people that knew my family and got to know my son through school. They also gossiped, made assumptions, and are trying to drive us out of our home now due to their own insecurities and nasty gossip. I get threats regularly about this. I found some on this site recently and that is why I started reading it.

My DH is trying to find a new job in a new city. We find that it takes a while for the threats to start and think there might be fewer threats if we move somewhere where no one knows my mother. It breaks her heart. She is a good person and very private. People can be so greedy and cruel and not realize how much they hurt people.

If it was not for that, then I think he would marry me all over again. He says he would anyway just to make me feel better. That’s what a good spouse does. After 20 years, I think there must always be something difficult.

This is so weird.

What are they threatening you with? No offense, but this sounds super paranoid. They find out who your mother is and threaten you? They drive you out of town? That doesn’t make any sense.

The threats are always about money. They think I inherited a lot of money. They demand a quarter of a million. People are very greedy. Why do you think the money page is so popular?

I’m sure it sounds crazy but the threats come verbally, in emails, in phone calls, and online harassment. They stole my social security number and tried to open a bank account in my name. 10 years of this and it comes in waves. I notice it more at some times than others.

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between the money harassment and other garden variety bullying that happens in life. I’m sure I do seem paranoid when I can’t figure it out right away.

I try not to be paranoid but it’s hard when you are getting threats regularly.

Wait, do you owe people money? Does your mother? Not sure I understand? Are you one of those prepper types?

No. It started when there was a death in the family. No money owed to anyone.

[Anonymous]

I think having a kid changes my perspective but if I didnt have a kid and going back, I would not have stayed.

Weve weathered through a lot together and even early on in our relationship. Think unemployment, increased depression (see 1st item), major health scare and then subsequent lifelong condition that requires extensive monitoring and potentially early death, a medically complicated child, and taking care of a parent who has cognitive decline all in less than 10 years.

Its been humbling and exhausting and I wouldnt want to go through it with anyone else but I also wouldnt want to go through it so if I didnt stay with him I wouldnt have to deal with any of it besides my own mental health issues that I was already dealing with prior to our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think having a kid changes my perspective but if I didnt have a kid and going back, I would not have stayed.

Weve weathered through a lot together and even early on in our relationship. Think unemployment, increased depression (see 1st item), major health scare and then subsequent lifelong condition that requires extensive monitoring and potentially early death, a medically complicated child, and taking care of a parent who has cognitive decline all in less than 10 years.

Its been humbling and exhausting and I wouldnt want to go through it with anyone else but I also wouldnt want to go through it so if I didnt stay with him I wouldnt have to deal with any of it besides my own mental health issues that I was already dealing with prior to our relationship.

The bolded is pretty much the reason for most married couples staying together..