Reply to How many people whose don’t consider their marriage troubled would not remarry their spouse?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21. [/quote]

I hear this a lot from people who married young.  When I went back to my high school reunion, many years after graduating, I saw many couples who married each other after going to college and getting good jobs, they are in good, stable, profitable careers - they are now professionals who essentially grew up together, in one way or another. Some of the slouches/potheads from high school are doing remarkably well, and some of the most promising, popular, beautiful jocks died from painkiller overdoses, but I digress. I wonder why these couples generally "work", and I think it is because of the shared background, the same point of reference - they understand each other.  [b]The couples I know, who are suffering more than twenty years in, have less in common, to begin with - they don't respect each other because they do not respect where the other came from. [/b]Fine, they were beautiful when they were young, and they still might be, but God are they stupid or lazy or whatever, and the other one can't respect that. It gets old, and we lose patience with familiarity.

I also think marriage served a different purpose in a different time, and depending on economic background.  I know couples from our grandparents generation, who married because the wife just wanted out of the midwest inbred dustbowl, and found a military man to make that happen.  With visions of "seeing the world", albeit from a military base - why not? I also know couples from our grandparents generation who immigrated and fell in love, but they came from similar outlooks in their families, so it worked - same serious work ethic, same drive, same education level, same goals, same will to do well together, as an actual team. I think that if you have nothing in common, besides initial inertia from hormones, the will to make babies, and maybe college drinking buddies - then no, it won't work.  But I think if you carry the same long term, in depth mentality, overall - that is a different story.

Too much of anything is never good. [/quote]
This is really, really insightful. And the line in bold really hit me hard. DH and I are interracial, intercultural, and interfaith. I had reservations from the beginning about DH’s family and our differences. He was crazy about me and would overwhelm me with wooing whenever I expressed doubt. Fast forward 10 years, we’re unhappily married. I realize from what you wrote that it’s because we don’t respect where the other comes from. I think he is a stupid, lazy, entitled white man from a family of racist idiots who don’t deserve what they have. He thinks I’m an aloof elitist from a success-obsessed culture with greedy parents who put upward mobility over family. We are probably both right about each other! I would never remarry him and regret marrying someone so different from myself in every way. Commonality really matters.[/quote]

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