How many people whose don’t consider their marriage troubled would not remarry their spouse?

[Anonymous]

I have been married for 20 years to a man who is a great husband and father, and although I have no intention of leaving him, I have to admit that if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have married him.
The main issue is that I just don’t find him interesting anymore.


It’s strange, because on the one hand I consider myself happily married because we get along, he’s great, and I don’t plan on leaving him. But If I could go back in time I wouldn’t marry him.

I’m not asking for advice, I’m just really curious how common it is for people who would consider themselves happily married, to think that they wouldn’t make the same choice if they could do it again.

[Anonymous]

How interesting! I don’t know how common it is, but Im in the same boat. DH has a hard time with some aspects of my personality (how clean I am, my struggles as a stay-at-home mom, my occasional moodiness), and sometimes I get sick of being judged.

But we have lots of fun together, we are emotionally close, we share important values like making children a priority and financial goals, etc. And I feel judged but he never makes rude comments. We are nice to each other. I would say we have a happy marriage, but I think both of us would have made a difference choice.

[Anonymous]

Just a thought but I think it would be hard not to be bored with anyone after 20 years. Realistically being a parent is kinda boring and at least in the little kid years there's not much time for a life outside of it especially if you are a full contributor.

I would marry my spouse again although sometimes I wonder if I would have gotten married at all. Sometimes I think it would be more interesting to have a series of long-term relationships. I also like being by myself and I think dating without living together would give me more independent space.

[Anonymous]

What a great question! He's far from perfect and I can't imagine anyone from my past or even my present being better. Now I have to wonder what he thinks about me!

[Anonymous]

I'm also in the same boat, but I think it's me. In other words, I think I would feel the same regardless of my spouse. The particular reasons I wouldn't remarry my spouse would have been apparent to me if I had spent more time with his family when we were dating. What I struggle with now is how to advise my children (assuming they ask me) when they are considering marriage without expressing that I wouldn't remarry their father.

[Anonymous]

Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21.

[Anonymous]

If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have married anyone. I think I’d prefer to be alone rather than in a long-term committed relationship.

[Anonymous]

There’s nobody else I would ever want to marry. We fell madly and passionately in love 24 years ago and he’s still the smartest, hottest man I know and we have same sense of humor, outlook on life and have fun together. Sex is still great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Happily married and I’d marry him again instantly. I see all the shit husbands out there and feel like I dodged a bullet, especially considering we met at 21.

I hear this a lot from people who married young. When I went back to my high school reunion, many years after graduating, I saw many couples who married each other after going to college and getting good jobs, they are in good, stable, profitable careers - they are now professionals who essentially grew up together, in one way or another. Some of the slouches/potheads from high school are doing remarkably well, and some of the most promising, popular, beautiful jocks died from painkiller overdoses, but I digress. I wonder why these couples generally "work", and I think it is because of the shared background, the same point of reference - they understand each other. The couples I know, who are suffering more than twenty years in, have less in common, to begin with - they don't respect each other because they do not respect where the other came from. Fine, they were beautiful when they were young, and they still might be, but God are they stupid or lazy or whatever, and the other one can't respect that. It gets old, and we lose patience with familiarity.

I also think marriage served a different purpose in a different time, and depending on economic background. I know couples from our grandparents generation, who married because the wife just wanted out of the midwest inbred dustbowl, and found a military man to make that happen. With visions of "seeing the world", albeit from a military base - why not? I also know couples from our grandparents generation who immigrated and fell in love, but they came from similar outlooks in their families, so it worked - same serious work ethic, same drive, same education level, same goals, same will to do well together, as an actual team. I think that if you have nothing in common, besides initial inertia from hormones, the will to make babies, and maybe college drinking buddies - then no, it won't work. But I think if you carry the same long term, in depth mentality, overall - that is a different story.

Too much of anything is never good.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't marry DH again unfortunately. I just think we each would have ultimately been happier with someone else. We met and married on the young side and I would have been better off waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nobody else I would ever want to marry. We fell madly and passionately in love 24 years ago and he’s still the smartest, hottest man I know and we have same sense of humor, outlook on life and have fun together. Sex is still great.

So damn jealous.

Although after a LOT of work on myself, I'm actually happy for others who have found this. Partly because I don't want anyone to ever be unhappy, and partly because it makes me able to hope that it could come true for my children to find that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm also in the same boat, but I think it's me. In other words, I think I would feel the same regardless of my spouse. The particular reasons I wouldn't remarry my spouse would have been apparent to me if I had spent more time with his family when we were dating. What I struggle with now is how to advise my children (assuming they ask me) when they are considering marriage without expressing that I wouldn't remarry their father.

My mom told me in middle school. She hasn’t gone to therapy, so it was both damaging and helpful. Definitely talk this through with a therapist, and wait until the kids are older. My MIL is divine, but I got married years after most of my friends. Sibling never married. Expect that sharing this story will make your kids cautious daters.

[Anonymous]

I definitely would remarry my husband. My big regret is that we were just good friends for a few years before we got together. What a waste of three years! We’ve been married 36 years and it’s been a wonderful ride. We are blessed with wonderful kids, grandchildren and my husband was so successful we live a very comfortable life. There is still a great deal of romance too.

[Anonymous]

It's tough because we work well but our sex life is miserable. Would I trade a stable marriage for a chance of a passionate one? Depends on the day when you ask me that.

I totally get affairs. Sounds dreamy

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely marry my husband again. Wouldn't remarry anybody else though