Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP

This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.

You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.

I don't agree with this at all.
I agree with you that you should call the counselor OP, however you should state at the beginning of the call that this will impericly be the one and ONLY time that you will have a discuss of this nature.

The counselor needs to state at the beginning of the call, before anything else is discussed, that they understand, respect & wil l abide by this.

If they don't or won't, then you thank them for their time, but if they can't respect your rule than there's nothing more to discuss.

This may be cathartic for you, OP.

I think if you are contacting the counselor this is the way to go.

I just worry that this is not a professional and that they are not operating under what most of us assume to be the norms in the field of socials work/therapy/etc. I mean, if this is a person with no formal training or licensure and they are just calling themselves a “counselor” I am concerned that they will not know how to behave in a way that respects your boundaries. Just be sure you are taking initiative in making sure your needs are met if you do establish contact.

1000% agree with the two pp's.
Make the call, but YOU control the direction it goes in.

I also agree that it may be cathartic for you op, because you may be able to find out things about your mother from this counselor, that you'd never find out in a discussion with your own mother because she's so manipulative and abusive.

If this is a true counselor, maybe they can explain why she did the things she did & what her actual diagnosis is.

You'll know right away if they're not a licensed counselor, so just be on guard... if they speak to you on speaker phone, I'd be concerned that your mom is sitting right there listening.
Listen and be aware of what's being said & more importantly, what's NOT being said.

I say give it a chance... you're in the driver's seat & you have all of the control.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18.18 here. After reading your updates I would not contact her. It doesn't sound like a professional therapist and she seems to be trying to get you to reconnect based on her own cultural bias rather than what is good for you.

Do what is right for you. Block the therapist and if you need to speak to someone do that for yourself however you don't need to defend yourself to this person, you really don't.

It sounds like you're projecting here.
Where did you read that she'd have to defend herself?
Block the therapist??

OP, you're an adult and can hang up the phone if you don't like the direction the call is going, but to block the therapist prior to even speaking to them, is rash & unwarranted.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I think OP feels pressure to respond to the grief counselor but doesn’t want to respond to her mom. But in responding to the counselor, she’ll be in contact with her mom again. Look up the term ‘flying monkey’. People with disordered thinking do this a lot. They get another party to contact another on their behalf. A PP wrote here about cultural bias. I don’t think OP is going to ‘win’ with the counselor by explaining her or his situation so I vote to ignore the email. The counselor ought to figure out that the mom is being avoided for very good reasons and not even the OP is obliged to answer to the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP

This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.

To clarify, I don’t judge you for going NC; it’s the fact that you can’t tell mom’s “ally” to basically eff off and are agonizing over the situation that made me suggest high quality individual counseling for you.

Maybe the OP doesn’t want to be rude? This is someone they met before. Would be different if this counselor was a complete stranger.

[Anonymous]

OP given your updates about the type of counselor this is and the inappropriate sending of messages from your mom, I and changing my advice. I would block and not respond at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I think OP feels pressure to respond to the grief counselor but doesn’t want to respond to her mom. But in responding to the counselor, she’ll be in contact with her mom again. Look up the term ‘flying monkey’. People with disordered thinking do this a lot. They get another party to contact another on their behalf. A PP wrote here about cultural bias. I don’t think OP is going to ‘win’ with the counselor by explaining her or his situation so I vote to ignore the email. The counselor ought to figure out that the mom is being avoided for very good reasons and not even the OP is obliged to answer to the mom.

+1 No good can come to you by responding to this 'counselor'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I think OP feels pressure to respond to the grief counselor but doesn’t want to respond to her mom. But in responding to the counselor, she’ll be in contact with her mom again. Look up the term ‘flying monkey’. People with disordered thinking do this a lot. They get another party to contact another on their behalf. A PP wrote here about cultural bias. I don’t think OP is going to ‘win’ with the counselor by explaining her or his situation so I vote to ignore the email. The counselor ought to figure out that the mom is being avoided for very good reasons and not even the OP is obliged to answer to the mom.

Any good LICENSED clinician understands these dynamics and would understand she is risking her licensure and reputation by getting sucked in by her patient. NO clinician should be contacting family members unless it is under "duty to warn" that a patient is threatening harm or even to kill that person. The therapist can only tell the client to let the family member know the therapist is open to calls for another perspective.

I don't think this is a real clinician and if it is I don't think this person is qualified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP

This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.

You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.

OP and everyone who cuts off their parent, don’t you think it’s a cruel thing to do?

Don't YOU think abusing your vulnerable, helpless kids that YOU brought into this world is a cruel thing to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP

This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.

You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.

OP and everyone who cuts off their parent, don’t you think it’s a cruel thing to do?

Don't YOU think abusing your vulnerable, helpless kids that YOU brought into this world is a cruel thing to do?

One of my good friends has a mother with untreated mental illness and substance abuse issues. My friend and her sibling were essentially left to fend for themselves even as young as toddlers, and often starved - her earliest memory is being alone with her brother, scavenging the cabinets for food, and crying from hunger. Minor illnesses were not treated and became big problems. The mother was physically abusive as well, though rarely, and it turned to emotional abuse as the kids got older - screaming, berating, cursing, name calling.

My friend didn't have the courage to cut her mother off until she was an adult, after yet another screaming/berating episode. Her mom desperately wants to reconcile but my friend is unwilling. Wonder if PP think she's being cruel. There are certainly people in my friend's family who are telling her she should forgive and forget because "that's your mom and we all make mistakes".

[Anonymous]

Is it just me or does it seem that not having your adult child whose living in another country not returning your calls for a year seems almost no big deal to Americans?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me or does it seem that not having your adult child whose living in another country not returning your calls for a year seems almost no big deal to Americans?

Just you. Most of us understand that most Americans return their parents' phone calls, but we also understand that there are unique circumstances in which a no contact policy is employed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I think OP feels pressure to respond to the grief counselor but doesn’t want to respond to her mom. But in responding to the counselor, she’ll be in contact with her mom again. Look up the term ‘flying monkey’. People with disordered thinking do this a lot. They get another party to contact another on their behalf. A PP wrote here about cultural bias. I don’t think OP is going to ‘win’ with the counselor by explaining her or his situation so I vote to ignore the email. The counselor ought to figure out that the mom is being avoided for very good reasons and not even the OP is obliged to answer to the mom.

Any good LICENSED clinician understands these dynamics and would understand she is risking her licensure and reputation by getting sucked in by her patient. NO clinician should be contacting family members unless it is under "duty to warn" that a patient is threatening harm or even to kill that person. The therapist can only tell the client to let the family member know the therapist is open to calls for another perspective.

I don't think this is a real clinician and if it is I don't think this person is qualified.

Agreed. I work in the mental health field and, while I understand that standards vary by country, this is not how a mental health professional should be behaving anywhere. They are acting so unprofessionally that I have to believe they are not formally educated, trained, or licensed.

Do not engage with this person. They sound like your mothers friend and support person and I do not believe they have the capacity to have a responsible conversation with you. It takes years of formal education and training to become a mental health professional but there are people that bypass this and just call themselves “counselors” with absolutely no qualifications. This is wildly irresponsible and dangerous. Block her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me or does it seem that not having your adult child whose living in another country not returning your calls for a year seems almost no big deal to Americans?

It's just you. OP stated this is not a normal situation, it's a situation where she has removed an abuser from her life to preserve her own well-being. And now the abuser wants something from her - not a reconciliation, but emotional support as she processes a loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I think OP feels pressure to respond to the grief counselor but doesn’t want to respond to her mom. But in responding to the counselor, she’ll be in contact with her mom again. Look up the term ‘flying monkey’. People with disordered thinking do this a lot. They get another party to contact another on their behalf. A PP wrote here about cultural bias. I don’t think OP is going to ‘win’ with the counselor by explaining her or his situation so I vote to ignore the email. The counselor ought to figure out that the mom is being avoided for very good reasons and not even the OP is obliged to answer to the mom.

Any good LICENSED clinician understands these dynamics and would understand she is risking her licensure and reputation by getting sucked in by her patient. NO clinician should be contacting family members unless it is under "duty to warn" that a patient is threatening harm or even to kill that person. The therapist can only tell the client to let the family member know the therapist is open to calls for another perspective.

I don't think this is a real clinician and if it is I don't think this person is qualified.

This.

It is very inappropriate for the counselor to contact op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s happening abroad to my understanding; maybe there are different requirements for counselors.
The fact that you are NC and still are pained by this attempt shows you need your own counselor OP

This is OP. It was actually after some counseling sessions that I felt empowered enough to go NC. I am from a culture which is very focused on filial piety and the idea of estrangement is quite shocking to people in my culture. My mom is an emotionally disturbed person whom I suspect also has Borderline personality disorder. Under her so-called concern for my well-being is really a need for control and I refuse to fulfill that desire for her. Which is why I’m thinking that it’s better to call the counselor rather than give her a response via email as I really like to maintain NC. If she actually shows a response via email to my mom, it would just be used as ammunition. I think pain for someone in my situation is quite a natural response.

You can call if you want to, OP. But the counselor is just an extension of your mom. I think you should go no contact on the counselor too.

OP and everyone who cuts off their parent, don’t you think it’s a cruel thing to do?

let me ask you a question. let's say your dad starts raping you and beating you up at age 5 and keeps doing it throughout your childhood and adolescence. you survive, live the house as an adult and and decide to cut off contact with the dad rapist. are you being cruel? do you think your duty as a loving daughter is to forgive and keep seeing the dad, then id you get raped again well things happen it is still your dad?

people who cut contact with a parent or a family member often do it because of excruciating abuse that would continue if they do not cut contact. I have witnessed in my extended family, a person who was clearly profoundly disturbed, she destroyed every person around her, her husband and all the kids eventually left and went no contact. they did not do it gingerly, they tried in all manners to maintain a relationship but it was impossible and cutting contacts was painful. the youngest child was the one who stayed in contact the longest, cutting contact in her 40's after a life threatening illness. this child tried to distance herself before and her mom would go around to other family members telling fake stories so the well meaning family members would contact the child and pressure her to call the mom or do whatever the mom wanted.

people who cut contact often are going through an extremely painful process because they have no other choice to save themselves. count yourself lucky if you cannot understand how people can get to this point. and if you cannot understand, leave these people alone, the last thing they need is your clueless negative judgment