Should I be honest with my mom’s grief counselor?

[Anonymous]

I live in another country and haven’t taken any of my mom’s calls for over a year. I decided to go no contact because it just wasn’t healthy for me to even speak with her. She was very abusive to me when I was growing up and I was her punching bag for years. Even writing this makes me remember some dark memories. Now she’s gotten older and feeble, she’s good at eliciting sympathy from others and just recently got her grief counselor to email me to get in contact with her under the pretext of being worried for me. I’ve met this counselor before with my mom and I understand how desperate she must be to put the counselor up to this. I’m not sure whether to respond and even if I do, what to say...anyone been in this situation?

[Anonymous]

I would share with the counselor what you have written here. Your mother is abusive and for your own health you are not in contact. You don't need to explain yourself any more than that to the counselor. What's the downside to being honest?

[Anonymous]

Yes I would be honest. Maybe it will help her.

[Anonymous]

The only reason you should not respond honestly to the counselor is if you want to escalate the drama.

You have beliefs about your childhood that are impacting your behavior today. Tell the therapist why you decided that it "just wasn't healthy" to "even speak with" your mom. The counselor will figure out next steps with your mom from there.

I am curious why she has a "grief" counselor though. It makes me wonder what you're not saying.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I had one of my Dad's many girlfriends call me demanding I see him and it was so unfair as he was such a good dad. After listening to her for an hour, I finally laid into her and told her the truth. At some point, enough is enough.

[Anonymous]

She has a grief counselor now, whom you've met before with your mom, but you haven't seen you mom for over a year? How long has your mom been grieving? Or is grief counselor a euphemism?

[Anonymous]

How can you be sure that the letter was really from the grief counselor? I don’t think you owe the grief counselor an explanation. Not your problem. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

I don't think ethically a grief counselor can reach out to you like that. Are you sure this isn't a game by your mother? If not, the grief counselor may have her own ethical and boundary issues.

[Anonymous]

If you respond, I'd do so directly through the grief counselors website, rather than responding to the email. PP's are right--it could be your mom posing as the counselor. If you choose to respond, be honest? Why would you not want to be honest? What would be the benefit? If you're honest, and if it's truly the counselor reaching out to you, then that information can her her/him to more effectively help your mom.

[Anonymous]

I would only respond via phone or face time, not in writing.

[Anonymous]

Don't email the grief counsellor back but call her. I would only talk to her if she is a qualified therapist, she should have a business number. Then if she really did send the email I would give her a quick summary something like you have written here or if it's easier once you confirm the grief counsellor sent the email then you can reply to that.

Like others have said anyone can make up an email account and I would think a counsellor would trying calling you first. It does seem a little strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would share with the counselor what you have written here. Your mother is abusive and for your own health you are not in contact. You don't need to explain yourself any more than that to the counselor. What's the downside to being honest?

+1

Wish MIL would get a counselor who would contact us for OUR side! THAT would be priceless. Take advantage and tell your side, OP.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. My mom has been seeing this grief counselor for a few years since her own mom passed away. My mom doesn't know how to use a computer or even have a smartphone so I know for certain, the email came from the counselor. The counselor even scanned cards with handwritten messages from my mom for my birthday and Christmas. Anyone reading them would go "Awww..what a nice woman wanting to connect with her daughter" but no one truly knows what I have had to endure all those years living with her. I visited the counselor with my mom when I visited my country the last time and that was how we met. I really want don't want to break NC and so I don't feel like responding. At the same time, I don't want to be rude to the counselor by not responding to her email. My spouse says the counselor was out of line and shouldnt have emailed me over a family matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. My mom has been seeing this grief counselor for a few years since her own mom passed away. My mom doesn't know how to use a computer or even have a smartphone so I know for certain, the email came from the counselor. The counselor even scanned cards with handwritten messages from my mom for my birthday and Christmas. Anyone reading them would go "Awww..what a nice woman wanting to connect with her daughter" but no one truly knows what I have had to endure all those years living with her. I visited the counselor with my mom when I visited my country the last time and that was how we met. I really want don't want to break NC and so I don't feel like responding. At the same time, I don't want to be rude to the counselor by not responding to her email. My spouse says the counselor was out of line and shouldnt have emailed me over a family matter.

The counselor is way out of line to scan birthday cards to you. You should do whatever is helpful and healthy for YOU. Is this grief counselor a social worker or physiologist? She doesn’t sound like a professional. Or is she more like a supportive person your mom found through a church or community group? It doesn’t really matter. I am just surprised that a professional would contact you like that. You don’t owe the counselor ANYTHING. If you want to keep up the no contact, then keep it up. Honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. My mom has been seeing this grief counselor for a few years since her own mom passed away. My mom doesn't know how to use a computer or even have a smartphone so I know for certain, the email came from the counselor. The counselor even scanned cards with handwritten messages from my mom for my birthday and Christmas. Anyone reading them would go "Awww..what a nice woman wanting to connect with her daughter" but no one truly knows what I have had to endure all those years living with her. I visited the counselor with my mom when I visited my country the last time and that was how we met. I really want don't want to break NC and so I don't feel like responding. At the same time, I don't want to be rude to the counselor by not responding to her email. My spouse says the counselor was out of line and shouldnt have emailed me over a family matter.

The counselor is way out of line to scan birthday cards to you. You should do whatever is helpful and healthy for YOU. Is this grief counselor a social worker or physiologist? She doesn’t sound like a professional. Or is she more like a supportive person your mom found through a church or community group? It doesn’t really matter. I am just surprised that a professional would contact you like that. You don’t owe the counselor ANYTHING. If you want to keep up the no contact, then keep it up. Honestly.

This counselor could lose her license. I would call to verify the counselor is doing this. I suspect it is your mother or this counselor just has zero awareness of her ethics code and whar it means to violate it.