How to help my adult daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

Congratulations PP, you've just guaranteed that your daughters will marry assholes just for the sex and not care about an actual relationship. Don't forget, girls have hormones so they will look for guys to get their needs met. They won't be able to determine if he's a good or bad guy (only that he has a penis) because you never taught them how to find someone who will treat them right.

It sucks that you have to project your miserable life onto them...but then again, that's the typical cycle.

[Anonymous]

If its that important to her, tell her to set goals and make it her project. Married by what, 31 and first kid by 33? Or Married by 35 and first kid by 37 whatever.

Then you do literally find matchmakers and you source every possible place you can find to get a DH.

Church / synagogue / temple whatever. Join charities, go for group runs, (pandemic pending) spend EVERY SECOND of your time doing things that are worthwhile and will put you in the path of other worthwhile people.

She may even forget about her goals and find she is enjoying herself and spending her time wisely. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

PP, you know they'll still have sex with boys/men even though they don't bring them happiness. Might as well teach them to find a man who will meet their needs outside of their sexual needs. You might want to re-think your strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A relationship isn't the most important thing"

Yes it is -- to most people, and clearly to OP's DD.

OP, it's a pandemic. That makes things hard. But help her stay as busy as possible. Volunteering is a great way to meet people. Taking classes, signing up for MeetUp groups, hobbies -- she just needs to get out there. She'll find someone. Good luck to her.

Um, actually it's not to most people. Maybe where you're from? But in highly-educated, urban areas like D.C., most people recognize that a relationship does not make you whole, a relationship does not make you happy, and a relationship does not make you fulfilled. This has been proven over and over in numerous psych studies. There is a slight "happiness bump" for the first year or two that you're in a healthy and satisfying relationship, but then you revert to your baseline - and oftentimes even lower than your baseline for women who have another dependent on their hands. It's very, very temporary. If you're not happy with yourself, as a full and complete human being, woman or man, then you won't feel any differently after a year or so of marriage.

Still not buying it. Family is crucial. I'd much rather have a happy family life than be happy alone. The entire idea that you have to learn to be happy alone is crazy. We are pack animals, not robots or grizzly bears. If you aren't happier being around people than being alone, then there's something wrong there (that can be worked on, presumably).

I think you are confusing somethings. No one is saying you should be happy without social interaction of any kind.

Just that you shouldn't be miserable, depressed crying all the time if you aren't in a romantic relationship. A relationship should be healthy and bring you happiness, it should not be the origin of your happiness.


Just my experience, but the people who are happy with their lives, single or not, have happier and healthier romantic relationships, than people who are in romantic relationships because without them they are lost and miserable.

[Anonymous]

OP, you probably enjoy having your daughter rely on you for comfort but understand that hanging around crying in your arms isn't getting her any closer to finding a man.

Do her a favor and step back...let her get out there. She isn't going to find anyone by being attached to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hopefully she isn't coming across as needy. This scares off more guys than it attracts.

You know what also scares off guys? A meddling mother who is always around and looks at every guy as a future son-in-law. OP, offer her sympathy but stay out of it. She's 29 and should be able to figure out her own dating life by now. You might not think you're getting the way, but you probably are. You're part of the package when she gets married, not when she's just dating.

It doesn't sound like OP is meddling to me.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, our society makes such a big deal of brides and pregnant people and new graduates and new homeowners. And it's hard when everyone around you is in one of these *special* categories, garnering attention and posting photos of social media and accepting congratulations and accolades for their accomplishments.

But once your wedding is over, you're not a bride anymore. Once your baby is born, you're no longer the soon-to-be first time parent. Your new house becomes just your house. Your degree is just a line on your resume. The celebrating ends, the congratulations end, and you're still alive somehow and you have to live your real life.

The good thing for your daughter is that she can live her real life, right now. Will everyone she knows show up to celebrate it on a Saturday night, or send her gifts, or offer her congratulations on Facebook. Nope. But it can be just as good and fulfilling as living in a house with a five-year-old and the man you've been married to for seven years and still love but also get annoyed by more than you would hope.

Is your daughter sad to be alone, or sad not to be the center of attention? That's not a slight by the way. It sucks to be the one friend in a group who isn't being celebrated or congratulated.

My advice is to find a way to make your daughter the center of your attention for a bit. Make a big deal of her birthday. Buy her something nice for her home. Tell her that you are proud of what a lovely young woman she's become. Tell her you enjoy spending time with her. Remind her that she is worthwhile, not because of some special event that is happening in her life right now, but because she is her.

That way, when your daughter does have her moment in the spotlight, she won't be devastated when it ends. Which it will.

[Anonymous]

DA few things, op.
First, is your daughter a good conversationalist? Does she have a curious mind? Does she encourage people dates or friends to talk about what excites them?

I have met a number of young women (I’m a woman and married so not looking to date) who are incapable of having a conversation. It is impossible to connect or bond with them even so much as to think “Jane will know this” or “Jill will like this joke”, the most basic intamacy (and I use it in the Jane Austen sense of the word not today’s meaning) is impossible.

If your daughter comes across like these women, no surprise she’s single.

Second, might she be a bit too involved emotionally (maybe even without the first boyfriend even being aware of it( with her first boyfriend? His marriage and baby shouldn’t upset her. She should feel neutral or happy. Upset makes me wonder about her if she might have something wrong with her mentionally or emotionally. I’m not trying to be unkind. Think very seriously as to if her reactions to things are inappropriate to the situation.

As for the men who “weren’t very nice” were they abusive?
I ask because she may not have a good sense of boundaries. Healthy men will tell a date or girlfriend who they are talking to “My buddy Bill and I follow hockey, he’s who just texted me” “Joe and I work on cars, he found a part we’ve been looking for” that sort of thing.

If she’s grilling the guys or demmanding to look at their phones or reaching over to pick up their phones, a healthy man will run. I have told my husband that people would rather let you barrow their toothbrush then their cell phone. If your daughter doesn’t have healthy boundaries both in terms of what she will put up with or in what she expects other people to put up with, that could factor into why she’s single.

Finally, does she want to get married because everybody else is? Does she want kids to avoid life?

I’m a stay at home mom. I’m making fish for dinner tonight because my husband wants it. Does she have the awareness to know when to do something that would make her husband happy and when to say “I don’t want fish, I would love pizza?”
It’s a little thing but it matters.

Does she want to be a mom or just stay home? Does she want to enjoy her children and “get to see them growing up” (line from the Hamilton musical) or does she simply not want to go to work each morning?

If men get the sense she wants to be taken care of, they will run. Again, I say this as a stay at home mom. I also have a physical disability, and there are certain tasks that my husband does that are probably done by him because it doesn’t make sense for me to do them, changing lightbulbs comes to mind as I write this. My disability hasn’t changed at all since I met my husband, we met in our early 20’s.

Your daughter needs to be a functioning adult, mentally, emotionally and physically. I say that last part with the ceavot that men have been hiring people to assist them for centuries. If your daughter needs extra assistance, there is nothing wrong with obtaining it.

Since you posted op, you need to look at your daughter not as your daughter, but as a young woman who wants to marry and have a family. Then help her aquire the skills to reach that goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any advice on how to help my adult daughter deal with the fact that ALL of her friends are getting married, having kids, and she is so so sad that she hasn't met anyone yet? She is 29, is our oldest, and is the age where she is watching all of her childhood and other friends get engaged, married, etc, and she is getting quite depressed about it. I sit with her, hold her hand as she cries, try to bolster her, but really don't know what the hell to tell her.

She desperately wants to get married and have a family, but she says she's losing hope even though I know she is still young. I just don't know what to say.....and I hate seeing her so sad.

Any advice welcome. She is generally such a happy and upbeat person, is such a joy in so many ways, and I, too, am sad for her although I don't let her see that.

I guarantee you she is telegraphing that desperation to potential dating partners.

This is a hard thing to hear and even harder to do, but until she really makes peace with being ok on her own she's going to be sending signals of desperation.

[Anonymous]

1720 again, op.
Don’t discourage your daughter from marriage, but do make sure she doesn’t want sanctioned sex and lots of presents. Everybody wants those things. There is way more to marriage then that.

Second, make sure she doesn’t poop all over a guy’s interests or compare him to the dads she knows.

She doesn’t have to like or date everybody, but the worst thing she can do is sniff “That must be expensive” if a guy starts talking about something he likes. If she doesn’t like or approve of the hobby, that’s fine, but an interest that is just expensive when the guy is otherwise stable and loving shouldn’t be belittled.
Most men and women dial back on their hobbies once they have kids.

It isn’t healthy or reasonable to expect a guy to dial back before his wife and kids come along, women may do that, but not so much men.

If she likes a guy, he treats her well, has time for her, wants to share his passions with her, then she needs to trust that that energy and passion will be directed toward her and any children. Demmanding on the first date that he think about a family or save for the future or not waste his time is a good way to remain single.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell your daughter to freeze her eggs and concentrate on her career to be financially stable and independent. This will allow her to have children if she wants to later in life alone or with a partner. She can have her own family with a man or without.

[Anonymous]

Lots of wackadoodle posts on this thread.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know your religion or ethnic group...but your daughter is YOUNG! Hopefully you have not made her feel this way. She should be having the time of her life. Along the way, she will likely meet a guy who shares her interests/goals. I hope you can help her see her circumstance differently!

[Anonymous]

OP, there has got to be a lot more to your daughter than this. Is she living at home? I don't get this holding her hand and she's crying.

Is she an independent woman? Financially independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there has got to be a lot more to your daughter than this. Is she living at home? I don't get this holding her hand and she's crying.

Is she an independent woman? Financially independent.

Oh FFS. Some people allow their offspring to confide in them. Crazy, I know!!