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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "How to help my adult daughter"
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[quote=Anonymous]DA few things, op. First, is your daughter a good conversationalist? Does she have a curious mind? Does she encourage people dates or friends to talk about what excites them? I have met a number of young women (I’m a woman and married so not looking to date) who are incapable of having a conversation. It is impossible to connect or bond with them even so much as to think “Jane will know this” or “Jill will like this joke”, the most basic intamacy (and I use it in the Jane Austen sense of the word not today’s meaning) is impossible. If your daughter comes across like these women, no surprise she’s single. Second, might she be a bit too involved emotionally (maybe even without the first boyfriend even being aware of it( with her first boyfriend? His marriage and baby shouldn’t upset her. She should feel neutral or happy. Upset makes me wonder about her if she might have something wrong with her mentionally or emotionally. I’m not trying to be unkind. Think very seriously as to if her reactions to things are inappropriate to the situation. As for the men who “weren’t very nice” were they abusive? I ask because she may not have a good sense of boundaries. Healthy men will tell a date or girlfriend who they are talking to “My buddy Bill and I follow hockey, he’s who just texted me” “Joe and I work on cars, he found a part we’ve been looking for” that sort of thing. If she’s grilling the guys or demmanding to look at their phones or reaching over to pick up their phones, a healthy man will run. I have told my husband that people would rather let you barrow their toothbrush then their cell phone. If your daughter doesn’t have healthy boundaries both in terms of what she will put up with or in what she expects other people to put up with, that could factor into why she’s single. Finally, does she want to get married because everybody else is? Does she want kids to avoid life? I’m a stay at home mom. I’m making fish for dinner tonight because my husband wants it. Does she have the awareness to know when to do something that would make her husband happy and when to say “I don’t want fish, I would love pizza?” It’s a little thing but it matters. Does she want to be a mom or just stay home? Does she want to enjoy her children and “get to see them growing up” (line from the Hamilton musical) or does she simply not want to go to work each morning? If men get the sense she wants to be taken care of, they will run. Again, I say this as a stay at home mom. I also have a physical disability, and there are certain tasks that my husband does that are probably done by him because it doesn’t make sense for me to do them, changing lightbulbs comes to mind as I write this. My disability hasn’t changed at all since I met my husband, we met in our early 20’s. Your daughter needs to be a functioning adult, mentally, emotionally and physically. I say that last part with the ceavot that men have been hiring people to assist them for centuries. If your daughter needs extra assistance, there is nothing wrong with obtaining it. Since you posted op, you need to look at your daughter not as your daughter, but as a young woman who wants to marry and have a family. Then help her aquire the skills to reach that goal. [/quote]
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