How to help my adult daughter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the great replies. They are all things I have told her. She gets very emotional and down at certain times of the month, and at those times (like yesterday), nothing I say matters. I agree that she needs to widen the net and a use the dating apps, even if she has to wait until things calm down with the virus. There is no shame in it like she thinks there is as none of her friends have met their SO that way. My own sister found her gem of a second husband on one. It's just a tool I told her. Just a way to meet someone that could be living two towns away that you might never have crossed paths with!

Yes, she is "out there" as much as she can be right now. She isn't a hermit lol. She had a few not very nice men that she had to break up with over the years, and she just found out that her first boyfriend is married and expecting his first baby. That hit her hard and made her think....

I think she should work on becoming more mature. I mean, if she's crying about this every month when she's PMSing to the point she needs her mother to literally hold her hand while she cries? She has lost perspective on life. It's one thing to watch a sappy Hallmark movie while PMSing and cry at the wedding and then laugh at yourself for crying. But she's not using dating sites and crying she can't meet anyone? Mature a little.

[Anonymous]

I think if she is becoming sad and depressed ver this multiple times a month she might be struggling with something deeper than just her friend marrying. It might ebe worth talking to her docctor our a theraist about depression.

Mood disorders like depression are very treatable, and when left untreated have a huge impact on your personal life, in ways you may not be able to tell.

OP, let her know she's young. I know she doesn't think it but she is. She's actually at a great age to start dating for marriage if that's what she wants. But as other has said she needs to make sure sh'es not getting married because all her friends are doing it. I'm a few years older than your daughter, and now at the age where the first marriages people made to meet the 30 deadline are ending in divorce.

[Anonymous]

I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

You should be because you are conditioning them to accept that bad behavior is to b expected from men and isn't their fault.

Why not teach them that you shouldn't use a relationship ( with male or female) to bring them happiness, and that the person should add to your life?

[Anonymous]

I assume she’s not in DC? Have her move to somewhere more cosmopolitan where women don’t get married until their 30s. She may meet better men there too.

[Anonymous]

Also, she need to learn for herself that getting married in and of itself shouldn’t be a goal. She needs to get her own life and love herself and be satisfied before she gets desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A relationship isn't the most important thing"

Yes it is -- to most people, and clearly to OP's DD.

OP, it's a pandemic. That makes things hard. But help her stay as busy as possible. Volunteering is a great way to meet people. Taking classes, signing up for MeetUp groups, hobbies -- she just needs to get out there. She'll find someone. Good luck to her.

Um, actually it's not to most people. Maybe where you're from? But in highly-educated, urban areas like D.C., most people recognize that a relationship does not make you whole, a relationship does not make you happy, and a relationship does not make you fulfilled. This has been proven over and over in numerous psych studies. There is a slight "happiness bump" for the first year or two that you're in a healthy and satisfying relationship, but then you revert to your baseline - and oftentimes even lower than your baseline for women who have another dependent on their hands. It's very, very temporary. If you're not happy with yourself, as a full and complete human being, woman or man, then you won't feel any differently after a year or so of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

You should be because you are conditioning them to accept that bad behavior is to b expected from men and isn't their fault.

Why not teach them that you shouldn't use a relationship ( with male or female) to bring them happiness, and that the person should add to your life?

Of course, PP is correct but did everyone miss the appalling reference to men as a lower species? I hope that writer's tweens enjoy their cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

Good for you PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

Then you won't be surprised when they marry douchbags because they can't differentiate between nice genuine men and a$$h@les. Bet their father is not involved--daddy issues in the making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so glad that my girls are tweens but I have been conditioning them for years to not think men bring you happiness (and that men are basically apes). Sorry, not sorry.

Good for you PP.

The misandry is strong with these two.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP I was just having the opposite problem! I'm a 29yo and my mom and dad got divorced after 42 years together. My mom was CONVINCED she was going to be alone the rest of her life. She tried the apps, mutual friends, etc. Then she decided to have a year of herself. She's always been super active but she took up triathlons (at 61!) and bought a kayak and a paddle board. She read 1-2 books a month and nurtured her friendships. Then a high school friend died and she went to the funeral- ran into her first crush ever and they've now been together 3 years and my mom is a giddy little school girl in puppy love. It's never too late. If wanting to be a mother is the main stress, there's options to be a single mom by choice.

[Anonymous]

I could say so much about this, as your daughter is much like what I used to be like. Except I then got engaged to the wrong man because I thought I needed to be married by 30. Don't recommend that road.

If I had to say anything to a young woman in that position it would be that in my experience, yours 30s are one of the best times of your life, and one of the best time to be single. You usually have more confidence, more money, and can live a more full life than you could in your 20s. So many more experiences to be had, trips to take and interesting people to meet. It can be such an exciting time to look forward to if you let it be. Leaving all the nonsense of your 20s behind. She should be excited for all the possibilities, and not bemoaning what she thinks she is missing. The world is literally her oyster!

Second, I'm 39, and have had some very rough dating experiences. Finally got a therapist, changed my life. I've gotten REALLY comfortable with being single and have pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm not really sure I want to be married. Genuinely, truly am just living life 100% for me and being darn happy doing it. Interestingly, I've never had more luck dating. While I used to be so sad feeling like no guy wanted to be with me and I wasn't good enough, now I have to beat them off with a stick. Never in my life have I had guys put in more effort to try and be with me than I have the last year. Its crazy what self-confidence and a focus on life besides marriage can do for your prospects...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"A relationship isn't the most important thing"

Yes it is -- to most people, and clearly to OP's DD.

OP, it's a pandemic. That makes things hard. But help her stay as busy as possible. Volunteering is a great way to meet people. Taking classes, signing up for MeetUp groups, hobbies -- she just needs to get out there. She'll find someone. Good luck to her.

Um, actually it's not to most people. Maybe where you're from? But in highly-educated, urban areas like D.C., most people recognize that a relationship does not make you whole, a relationship does not make you happy, and a relationship does not make you fulfilled. This has been proven over and over in numerous psych studies. There is a slight "happiness bump" for the first year or two that you're in a healthy and satisfying relationship, but then you revert to your baseline - and oftentimes even lower than your baseline for women who have another dependent on their hands. It's very, very temporary. If you're not happy with yourself, as a full and complete human being, woman or man, then you won't feel any differently after a year or so of marriage.

Still not buying it. Family is crucial. I'd much rather have a happy family life than be happy alone. The entire idea that you have to learn to be happy alone is crazy. We are pack animals, not robots or grizzly bears. If you aren't happier being around people than being alone, then there's something wrong there (that can be worked on, presumably).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, hopefully she isn't coming across as needy. This scares off more guys than it attracts.

You know what also scares off guys? A meddling mother who is always around and looks at every guy as a future son-in-law. OP, offer her sympathy but stay out of it. She's 29 and should be able to figure out her own dating life by now. You might not think you're getting the way, but you probably are. You're part of the package when she gets married, not when she's just dating.