A 3rd child in your 40s, would you do it?

[Anonymous]

Not a chance. I’m 43 and cannot imagine having a baby right now. I’m too tired as it is and the risks to mother and baby after 40 are too much for me. My cutoff was 40.

[Anonymous]

I had my fifth at 42... an absolutely wonderful pregnancy and birth experience. She is delightful too.

[Anonymous]

I would not.

40s with a baby isn’t so bad, but 60s with a teen sounds like a form of torture.

- teens are tough

[Anonymous]

Had our third at 45--unexpectedly, but we had tried for several years to have a third without success, so we wanted another child but were much older than I had planned to be.

Pros: dynamic with older siblings has been wonderful and having the youngest really added to and changed our family in a positive way.
Cons: In our early 50s, we are far more tired than I was even five years ago. Also, my parents are older, and their health took a sudden nosedive soon after our youngest was born. Balancing a newborn/toddler and older sick parents is no joke.

I would say look at how much you can absorb some curveballs and how much your heart says you really want another child. I really wanted another. And every time my DC hugs me and says "I love you, mommy," I feel like it was worth it. But we are a lot more tired and stressed (especially since managing a young child during pandemic while working full-time is much harder than managing older grade school kids) than we were without her.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. My youngest is ten and I wish we had a third (we tried but it didn't work out)

[Anonymous]

If my husband and doctor said go for it I’d do it. But a lingering question is I wouldn’t be an empty nester until I was 60 and I’d still be paying for college until I was almost 65. It would be nice to be done with college costs at 55 so we could really enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

There was a kid in my child's daycare whose parents were roughly about 50 when she was 5 years old. It was super obvious the differences at birthday parties or events sponsored by the daycare. They just couldn't keep up. Looked like just running across the playground was a chore. Lots of people mistook them for being her grandparents. My vote is on no. I had my last kid when I was 39 and I already felt super old, far different from when I had my first kid at 29. And I'm the man. I can't imagine going through all that in your 40s in addition to recovering from giving birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40-what, OP?

I would mid 43 or 44 at delivery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very early 40s is different from mid or late 40s. I might be okay with 40-42 but anything beyond that is frankly playing with fire.

OP here. I just turned 43. Fertility not an issue in my family. We are pro-choice and would probably terminate if there are chromosomal abnormalities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is this thing called a pandemic. Remember when people freaked out about Zika? That was junk science. This? Is real and a threat to Moms and babies.

Off topic slightly, but Zika was not at all junk science. What on earth are you talking about? Haven't you read about and seen pictures of the microcephalic babies? Babies with congenital Zika syndrome have profound development delays, epilepsy, cardiomyopathy, dysphagia, and more.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5795516/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7201309/

What the outcome might be for prenatal infection with covid-19 is up in the air although there have been cases of in utero transmission. Personally I would not want to risk it.

More generally, OP, I'll be 52 in a couple of months and my youngest is 12. She wasn't quite planned. While I'm super happy she is part of our family, the fatigue factor of being older parents is real, at least in our experience. Also -- the teenage years have been emotionally exhausting, even though all three are great kids. Our middle child, who was an awesome elementary school aged kid, extroverted, happy, seemingly bulletproof. She is now struggling with anxiety and depression to the point she was hospitalized for two weeks at the start of the lockdown for suicidal ideation, and is still in a partial hospitalization program. Our oldest had some ADHD-type issues that were a struggle to diagnose and figure out appropriate interventions for. And overall we are facing twelve straight years of kids in college, with two years of two overlapping kids, which is quite the financial challenge. This is all to say -- your kids are young, and in many ways these are likely the easy years if you have kids without physical or emotional or learning challenges. You can't assume it's always going to be that way, and you have to think ahead to your future self and what you and your spouse are equipped for.

Thank you for your helpful reply. I am so sorry about your middle child, I hope that she gets better soon. How stressful to have to go through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I don’t want to be in my 60’s with a kid graduating HS.

When our youngest of three graduated from HS, I was 59 and DH was 62. Like you,OP, we are both healthy, energetic, athletic, and financially in great shape. Our DD is a mature and lovely young woman, and we thoroughly enjoyed parenting her from babyhood through adolescence. A bonus of older parenthood was that we were much more chill with her than with the older kids (both of whom nonetheless turned out to be wonderful young men who adore their little sister). Finally, for those who express concern about what it’s like to be the old parents on the playground or at the pre-prom dinner, of the three parent cohorts we experienced, we enjoyed and remain closest to those who were the parents of DD’s friends. I say go for it, OP.

[Anonymous]

I am on the fence on whether to have a third too. I’m 39 and will be 40 in a few months. Age is definitely what holds me back. I feel like I have to make a decision soon, and all the unknowns with Covid19 do not help.

[Anonymous]

No way!

[Anonymous]

Stuck with two. The family dynamics are so much easier with two. And 40s is too old even if thats what everyone here did.

[Anonymous]

No way. The 50's brings a lot of health concerns, and why add more people to an overpopulated planet? Plan to enjoy time with your spouse, rekindle and travel while you can. What was the reason for the baby fever?