Two types of parents. Which are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: He’s smaller than you! No shoving! Younger kid, stop bothering older kid! If you guys can’t play without fighting, we’re going home.

Basically I’m yelling at everybody! Haha

- Mom to 3 kids

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a "he's smaller than you" crowd. I expect older children to be more mature/responsible even if the younger child instigates. If I had two kids and something like this happened, I'd tell the older kid not to do that, but then separately one-on-one would tell the younger kid that the older kid shouldn't have done it but there's a risk in poking the bear... That said I think I just have a strong negative reaction to any physical aggression, and if the younger kid shoved the older kid I"d tell them both not to use their hands to express their frustration.

NOBODY should have to stand around and tolerate annoyances just because they are bigger. Are you also suggesting women should tolerate certain behavior because Boys Will Be Boys? Older children should not have to tolerate and take physical assaults from smaller children, either.

+1

The littlest kid should’ve been punished way before it escalated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: He’s smaller than you! No shoving! Younger kid, stop bothering older kid! If you guys can’t play without fighting, we’re going home.

Basically I’m yelling at everybody! Haha

- Mom to 3 kids

Same- option 3!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the third type.

“Larlo, this is your only warning. If you keep poking him, he is going to react. As long as he doesn’t overreact, he will not get in trouble. You, on the other hand, were already asked politely to stop. So far, you owe your abc relative one chore for the day. Do you want to do 2 of his chores?”

I want the older child to speak up first. I will handle it with the older child if the reaction is immediate instead of trying communication first or an overreaction (slapping or yelling vs poking back or pushing away). And the younger child would already know that being the first to put their hands on someone else means that you WILL make amends (in that case, older child would pick one of their chores for the younger child to do).

Same, except fewer words. “You! No pushing. You, quit pestering!”
And then next time try to pretend not to see them and let them work it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the kids' relative sizes and ages are the important part. For me the issue is that both kids deserve to be respected by the other one. If it were me, I would have gently intervened when the 6yo was ignoring the 9yo requests to be left alone. That's not okay behavior, no matter someone's size. If someone says "leave me alone" or "give me space", you should respect that request.

But then I also would not be okay with the 9yo retaliating by pushing the other boy to the ground. I'd probably says something like, "I understand why you were upset and [6yo] should have listened when you asked him to leave you alone. But pushing him isn't the best response because you could hurt him and we don't hurt people. What are some other ways to handle this?" And then see if we could identify some options for resolution that don't involve pushing (i.e. asking an adult to intervene, moving to another part of the playground that the other kid can't reach, etc.).

For what it's worth, I was raised with the dictates not to push people smaller than me AND not to pester kids who are bigger than me (I was a middle child).

I agree. Also, it depends on which kid is my kid. I'm going to tell my kid not to pester others, and I'm going to tell her not to overreact if someone is pestering her, especially someone younger. It's a bit like the idea that someone being rude to you doesn't give you license to be rude (or ruder) back -- you are responsible for your own behavior, and other people misbehaving isn't an excuse to misbehave yourself.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I'm both. I would corrected both of them. I have 3 and do this a lot with my two oldest (3/5). I am also always SUPER on the hunt for the old, try to frame one to get that one in trouble. If I catch onto that the framer is always in more trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the kids' relative sizes and ages are the important part. For me the issue is that both kids deserve to be respected by the other one. If it were me, I would have gently intervened when the 6yo was ignoring the 9yo requests to be left alone. That's not okay behavior, no matter someone's size. If someone says "leave me alone" or "give me space", you should respect that request.

But then I also would not be okay with the 9yo retaliating by pushing the other boy to the ground. I'd probably says something like, "I understand why you were upset and [6yo] should have listened when you asked him to leave you alone. But pushing him isn't the best response because you could hurt him and we don't hurt people. What are some other ways to handle this?" And then see if we could identify some options for resolution that don't involve pushing (i.e. asking an adult to intervene, moving to another part of the playground that the other kid can't reach, etc.).

For what it's worth, I was raised with the dictates not to push people smaller than me AND not to pester kids who are bigger than me (I was a middle child).

I agree. Also, it depends on which kid is my kid. I'm going to tell my kid not to pester others, and I'm going to tell her not to overreact if someone is pestering her, especially someone younger. It's a bit like the idea that someone being rude to you doesn't give you license to be rude (or ruder) back -- you are responsible for your own behavior, and other people misbehaving isn't an excuse to misbehave yourself.

Good point. This is sometimes a frustration on the playground. I've had situations where my kid has done annoying things to other kids (like sat at the top of the slide for a long time, not going down but not letting anyone else go either), and another kid has retaliated by pushing or yelling at her before I could address it. Then I'm in the position of talking to my kid about being respectful of others on the playground and moving to the side if you're not using something so others can use. Meanwhile, the parents or nannies of the pushing/yelling kids say nothing. It's frustrating.

I think in this situation, since the woman was in charge of both kids, even if they weren't both her kid, she should have addressed both behaviors.

[Anonymous]

I'm from the Midwest. I would have made them stop playing and sit on a bench until they figured out a way to work it out.

Everyone can be friends when they have a common enemy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the Midwest. I would have made them stop playing and sit on a bench until they figured out a way to work it out.

Everyone can be friends when they have a common enemy!

lol! I'd do the same, but I'm also the type not to judge too much if I see this on the playground because i have no idea what the back story is. However, with my kids, they'd both be in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me: He’s smaller than you! No shoving! Younger kid, stop bothering older kid! If you guys can’t play without fighting, we’re going home.

Basically I’m yelling at everybody! Haha

- Mom to 3 kids

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the kids' relative sizes and ages are the important part. For me the issue is that both kids deserve to be respected by the other one. If it were me, I would have gently intervened when the 6yo was ignoring the 9yo requests to be left alone. That's not okay behavior, no matter someone's size. If someone says "leave me alone" or "give me space", you should respect that request.

But then I also would not be okay with the 9yo retaliating by pushing the other boy to the ground. I'd probably says something like, "I understand why you were upset and [6yo] should have listened when you asked him to leave you alone. But pushing him isn't the best response because you could hurt him and we don't hurt people. What are some other ways to handle this?" And then see if we could identify some options for resolution that don't involve pushing (i.e. asking an adult to intervene, moving to another part of the playground that the other kid can't reach, etc.).

For what it's worth, I was raised with the dictates not to push people smaller than me AND not to pester kids who are bigger than me (I was a middle child).

I agree. Also, it depends on which kid is my kid. I'm going to tell my kid not to pester others, and I'm going to tell her not to overreact if someone is pestering her, especially someone younger. It's a bit like the idea that someone being rude to you doesn't give you license to be rude (or ruder) back -- you are responsible for your own behavior, and other people misbehaving isn't an excuse to misbehave yourself.

Good point. This is sometimes a frustration on the playground. I've had situations where my kid has done annoying things to other kids (like sat at the top of the slide for a long time, not going down but not letting anyone else go either), and another kid has retaliated by pushing or yelling at her before I could address it. Then I'm in the position of talking to my kid about being respectful of others on the playground and moving to the side if you're not using something so others can use. Meanwhile, the parents or nannies of the pushing/yelling kids say nothing. It's frustrating.

I think in this situation, since the woman was in charge of both kids, even if they weren't both her kid, she should have addressed both behaviors.

I get that it's frustrating, but it is a good (early) learning experience. If you act in a way that upsets other people (even if it's "minor") they will sometimes take inappropriate action. Think about "road rage." Learn to fly under the radar.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is your birth order?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in NYC in the 80's. You can tell in my parenting. I'd have stayed out of it completely. They handled it fairly. Don't start a fight you can't finish.

I wonder if you would've had a different position if the 6 year old was a girl?

I think the mother intervened for the sake of the older boy rather than the younger. It's so important to teach boys especially to control their emotions and respond thoughtfully when provoked. I would've reprimanded the older child while secretly smiling and thinking that the 6 year old got what he deserved. I'm from nyc too.

Nope. Girls aren't delicate flowers who wilt and die if they get shoved on their asses. In my experience, girls fight much dirtier than boys. Everyone I can think of who had to go to the hospital because of a fight went there because of a fight with a girl.

[Anonymous]

girls are encouraged to be fighters and stick up for themselves - Girls sports are dirtier now, none that I know will take much crap

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in NYC in the 80's. You can tell in my parenting. I'd have stayed out of it completely. They handled it fairly. Don't start a fight you can't finish.

I wonder if you would've had a different position if the 6 year old was a girl?

I think the mother intervened for the sake of the older boy rather than the younger. It's so important to teach boys especially to control their emotions and respond thoughtfully when provoked. I would've reprimanded the older child while secretly smiling and thinking that the 6 year old got what he deserved. I'm from nyc too.

Nope. Girls aren't delicate flowers who wilt and die if they get shoved on their asses. In my experience, girls fight much dirtier than boys. Everyone I can think of who had to go to the hospital because of a fight went there because of a fight with a girl.

I wonder if you would feel differently if the kids were black. Would you still stay out of it and not intervene?