How to avoid discussions when you have unpopular opinions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have decided to continue social isolation as much as possible. It’s not hard for us since we have a great nanny (who lives alone and only sees us) and I have always worked from home. Without DH’s commute and the gyms closed, he’s also home more. We’re lucky, I know. It seems over the past week, I get a daily call from a friend asking if DS is going to return to a class or for a play date. The first couple times I told the truth and just said we were continuing with strict social distancing and have been met with nearly angry responses. I must be wording it wrong. Please tell me how to respond without eliciting defensive or angry mocking.

Same in normal times when the subject of TV comes up. We don’t let DS watch anything including when his classes went remote (which is why it came up) and not for play dates when we were having them.

Thanks.

OP, I think rather than just stating what you're doing, you must be stating it for a reason that annoys people or in a way that makes people feel like you are judging them for doing things differently. I have two kids who are both over three and I can't think of a single time they watched TV on a play date at that age (or actually for a few years after that) unless the purpose of the play date was to watch a movie, so I don't know why this is a thing where people have criticized you. At age three, you are likely not doing drop-off play dates, which means that the other parent was at your house, and what? They asked if the kids could watch TV? Their child asked to watch TV? I'm just not seeing how this even comes up, so it seems like maybe you are volunteering information to people when they haven't asked about it and you're rubbing them the wrong way.

Example - a parent calls to ask you if your child is going back to gymnastics class. Instead of saying simply no, you say "no, we wouldn't dare send our kid back to a gym right now because we care too much about him getting sick." Without knowing exactly what you're saying it's hard to give you advice, but based on the examples you've given it sounds like you aren't just stating your position, but doing so with an explanation as to why you think you're right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have decided to continue social isolation as much as possible. It’s not hard for us since we have a great nanny (who lives alone and only sees us) and I have always worked from home. Without DH’s commute and the gyms closed, he’s also home more. We’re lucky, I know. It seems over the past week, I get a daily call from a friend asking if DS is going to return to a class or for a play date. The first couple times I told the truth and just said we were continuing with strict social distancing and have been met with nearly angry responses. I must be wording it wrong. Please tell me how to respond without eliciting defensive or angry mocking.

Same in normal times when the subject of TV comes up. We don’t let DS watch anything including when his classes went remote (which is why it came up) and not for play dates when we were having them.

Thanks.

OP, I think rather than just stating what you're doing, you must be stating it for a reason that annoys people or in a way that makes people feel like you are judging them for doing things differently. I have two kids who are both over three and I can't think of a single time they watched TV on a play date at that age (or actually for a few years after that) unless the purpose of the play date was to watch a movie, so I don't know why this is a thing where people have criticized you. At age three, you are likely not doing drop-off play dates, which means that the other parent was at your house, and what? They asked if the kids could watch TV? Their child asked to watch TV? I'm just not seeing how this even comes up, so it seems like maybe you are volunteering information to people when they haven't asked about it and you're rubbing them the wrong way.

Example - a parent calls to ask you if your child is going back to gymnastics class. Instead of saying simply no, you say "no, we wouldn't dare send our kid back to a gym right now because we care too much about him getting sick." Without knowing exactly what you're saying it's hard to give you advice, but based on the examples you've given it sounds like you aren't just stating your position, but doing so with an explanation as to why you think you're right.

I agree, I think based on how you posted your original question, you must be giving too many details and doing so in a way that makes it clear you think you'er a better parent. That's what's rubbing your friends the wrong way.

Although I will say I see a lot of friendships getting broken over this. Because everyone is anxious and upset and no one really knows what to do, and hearing a friend say they disagree with your choices is very hard for everyone's emotional state right now. That's not on you, but just mentioning it, because even in the best of scenarios, I can see friends getting bothered by someone making a different choice.

[Anonymous]

You should tell them you have covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just say - “thanks so much for checking in - I hope you guys are doing great - we miss you. I’m still feeling nervous about things & we aren’t ready for get togethers yet, but I’ll call you when we are.”
If I had to guess, you’re probably coming off as holier than thou in your responses. So work on that if you can.

OP again. I don’t feel “holier than thou” so I hope I don’t come off that way. I know how lucky we are in our situation and we have just the one child (I’m pregnant with #2). I have said nearly exactly what you suggested and still have gotten “you are being ridiculous!” Type comments.

Saying you are "lucky" to be able to continue social distancing and disallow all TV for your child suggests that you believe that's the best way to live. Anyone who makes a different choice is therefore leading a lesser life.

I expect that judgment is coming through in your communication with others.

Well yeah but don’t all parents make decisions based on what they think is best for their child (this “better”)? I’m with OP on this and know that no matter how I respond, someone else gets defensive and takes it personally.

These are very stressed times! But even before I was mocked for only giving DD homemade, fresh food (I’m a chef for God’s sake - why would I buy permafrost food?!) and nursing until She was two.

There are personal choices -- "I choose to nurse until my child turns two" -- and there is being judgmental -- "I am lucky to be able to nurse my child until she is two."

The second one implies that nursing till age two is better, and some women are unlucky because they are unable to do it.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the exact same boat OP. I know it's not how I'm coming off, because I'm just not that person. People definitely seem to find it bizarre and offensive for whatever reason that we're not socializing yet. It bothered me at first, but now I don't really care what they think.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel you're getting unnecessarily jumped on a lot here. For one, those weirdo posters trying to shame you for saying you feel lucky: probably the same crowd that, if you posted your situation without acknowledging not everyone's in the same position, would be shrieking at you to stop complaining and check your privilege. Pfft.

I also don't get any whiff of this "holier-than-thou" attitude some posters are attributing to you (transference, anyone...?) Like the TV thing, you said it came up because of remote learning, not that you just randomly announce your toddler doesn't watch TV; several posters obviously didn't bother to read that. Anyway, I think it's much more likely that it's what a couple of more sensible PPs have mentioned: everyone's on edge these days and ready to interpret any response as an attack against their own decisions even when nothing at all along those lines have been said. I catch myself doing it. We've had some friends over to meet just outside in the yard a few times and whenever neighbors I know aren't doing that walk by I feel anxious they are judging me, even though they almost certainly aren't! So FWIW I'd recommend sticking to your guns, being as noncommittal as you can when you give regrets to invitations, and giving people grace where possible if they react a bit defensively. And as another poster said, if they're outright jerks about it - you're better off losing them as friends anyway!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be the way you're saying it? We allow TV, our friends don't, and it's never been an issue or even a topic of discussion. Saying, "we don't do TV" and moving on is not the same as saying "we don't do TV, it's so harmful for brain development and has been proven to do X and Y to kids, we really think it's important to maintain our kid's health" is basically saying, "we know you DGAF about your kid's development, but we really value ours".

That phrase is annoying too. "We" don't? Who is we ? Nobody in the family watches TV? What do you mean "do"? One watches TV, not does it. Just say Junior isn't allowed to watch it yet. That also lets the person know it's coming, not that you're some whacko who is never going to allow it.

[Anonymous]

I'd just say your not ready because of being pregnant--very understandable to most, and then change the subject.

The no screens even for a video chat with classmates thing is probably the most extreme version of no screens I've ever heard for a 3 year old though. We let our 3 year old watch a small amount of screen based entertainment, so clearly we wouldn't see eye to eye on this issue, but like we've also found it tremendously valuable to facetime with her 5 year old cousin and family and her grandparents and aunts that live in other states, especially during the pandemic, and have done since she was a baby and have never considered that 'screen time' and has helped her have more of an interactive relationship with those relatives as a result. I would have grouped zoom calls or the like with her preschool friends/teachers similarly and not considered them screen time (though ours didn't offer them unfortunately).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be the way you're saying it? We allow TV, our friends don't, and it's never been an issue or even a topic of discussion. Saying, "we don't do TV" and moving on is not the same as saying "we don't do TV, it's so harmful for brain development and has been proven to do X and Y to kids, we really think it's important to maintain our kid's health" is basically saying, "we know you DGAF about your kid's development, but we really value ours".

Saying "We don't do Tv" makes someone sound like a judgmental ahole. Thats just the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel you're getting unnecessarily jumped on a lot here. For one, those weirdo posters trying to shame you for saying you feel lucky: probably the same crowd that, if you posted your situation without acknowledging not everyone's in the same position, would be shrieking at you to stop complaining and check your privilege. Pfft.

I also don't get any whiff of this "holier-than-thou" attitude some posters are attributing to you (transference, anyone...?) Like the TV thing, you said it came up because of remote learning, not that you just randomly announce your toddler doesn't watch TV; several posters obviously didn't bother to read that. Anyway, I think it's much more likely that it's what a couple of more sensible PPs have mentioned: everyone's on edge these days and ready to interpret any response as an attack against their own decisions even when nothing at all along those lines have been said. I catch myself doing it. We've had some friends over to meet just outside in the yard a few times and whenever neighbors I know aren't doing that walk by I feel anxious they are judging me, even though they almost certainly aren't! So FWIW I'd recommend sticking to your guns, being as noncommittal as you can when you give regrets to invitations, and giving people grace where possible if they react a bit defensively. And as another poster said, if they're outright jerks about it - you're better off losing them as friends anyway!

It's not that we can't read, it's that the fact that OP seems to keep having issues with people regarding the choices she's making means either (1) all the people she knows are jerks or (2) she's coming off wrong because of how she's saying things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just say your not ready because of being pregnant--very understandable to most, and then change the subject.

The no screens even for a video chat with classmates thing is probably the most extreme version of no screens I've ever heard for a 3 year old though. We let our 3 year old watch a small amount of screen based entertainment, so clearly we wouldn't see eye to eye on this issue, but like we've also found it tremendously valuable to facetime with her 5 year old cousin and family and her grandparents and aunts that live in other states, especially during the pandemic, and have done since she was a baby and have never considered that 'screen time' and has helped her have more of an interactive relationship with those relatives as a result. I would have grouped zoom calls or the like with her preschool friends/teachers similarly and not considered them screen time (though ours didn't offer them unfortunately).

Yeah, this. I mean, it's your kid's SCHOOL that is trying to communicate via screens? I'm not saying that three-year olds are going to get a lot out of virtual interactions with people, because I don't think they will, but this is a pretty extreme position. However, even if someone said this to me, I would probably roll my eyes and move on. The fact that you're getting aggressive and mean responses from people leads me to believe that you are being judgmental. And for the love of all that is holy, please don't say "we don't do TV."

[Anonymous]

Friends don't react with "angry responses". Op, you don't know a real friend, who is your friend, and who isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just say - “thanks so much for checking in - I hope you guys are doing great - we miss you. I’m still feeling nervous about things & we aren’t ready for get togethers yet, but I’ll call you when we are.”
If I had to guess, you’re probably coming off as holier than thou in your responses. So work on that if you can.

OP again. I don’t feel “holier than thou” so I hope I don’t come off that way. I know how lucky we are in our situation and we have just the one child (I’m pregnant with #2). I have said nearly exactly what you suggested and still have gotten “you are being ridiculous!” Type comments.

Saying you are "lucky" to be able to continue social distancing and disallow all TV for your child suggests that you believe that's the best way to live. Anyone who makes a different choice is therefore leading a lesser life.

I expect that judgment is coming through in your communication with others.

NP here

No it really doesn't. It's just saying that she has the resources, in this case that's mostly time since she has only one kid, and a nanny. When you have one kid and a nanny it's easier to decide no TV then when you've got 3 kids and are trying to supervise them and work from home full time. So, she is lucky, in that she can make either choice TV or no TV based on her preferences without the constraint of needing to keep them occupied so she can work.

When I was a SAHM with just one three year old, there were lots of things that I did a certain way, because I could. When I had more kids, I found that some of those choices didn't work anymore and so I had to do things a different way. I no longer had as much choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have decided to continue social isolation as much as possible. It’s not hard for us since we have a great nanny (who lives alone and only sees us) and I have always worked from home. Without DH’s commute and the gyms closed, he’s also home more. We’re lucky, I know. It seems over the past week, I get a daily call from a friend asking if DS is going to return to a class or for a play date. The first couple times I told the truth and just said we were continuing with strict social distancing and have been met with nearly angry responses. I must be wording it wrong. Please tell me how to respond without eliciting defensive or angry mocking.

Same in normal times when the subject of TV comes up. We don’t let DS watch anything including when his classes went remote (which is why it came up) and not for play dates when we were having them.

Thanks.

Honestly - I think you just need to be comfortable with people strongly disagreeing with you and expressing that disagreement. If you're expecting people to just say "oh you're right that's great" then you're not being realistic. If people are saying "that's crazy!" then just say "well, to each his own" and change the subject.

There is no magical way to say something people disagree with and have them not disagree.

Now if people are really reacting with strong anger (yelling at you, cursing, calling you stupid) then your issue is that the people you're talking to are jerks, and you should downgrade those relationships accordingly. But I think this post would be very different if that's what was going on.

Just out of curiosity - were you fairly popular (or at least well liked) throughout middle and high school? I find this kind of attitude is common among adults who were always popular growing up. They just never got comfortable doing things and being judged negatively for them. While people who went through a period of everyone mocking them for whatever stupid stuff middle schoolers care about (myself included!) tend to be more comfortable being out of the mainstream as adults. It's a theory - could be wrong though, doesn't change my answer.

I'm the PP - thought of something I wanted to add. Lots of people up thread are suggesting just not mentioning your reasons, saying no without explanation, etc. This is a really good path for people that you need strong boundaries with - an overbearing parent, a bully fellow parent at daycare, a colleague. But I think if you respond to everyone this way, including close friends, you're putting up walls that prevent true connection over time. I wouldn't ever end up close friends with someone who responded in that way. Something else to think about.

Excellent advice. Thank you. OP here and yes, your assumptions about my high school life are spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just say your not ready because of being pregnant--very understandable to most, and then change the subject.

The no screens even for a video chat with classmates thing is probably the most extreme version of no screens I've ever heard for a 3 year old though. We let our 3 year old watch a small amount of screen based entertainment, so clearly we wouldn't see eye to eye on this issue, but like we've also found it tremendously valuable to facetime with her 5 year old cousin and family and her grandparents and aunts that live in other states, especially during the pandemic, and have done since she was a baby and have never considered that 'screen time' and has helped her have more of an interactive relationship with those relatives as a result. I would have grouped zoom calls or the like with her preschool friends/teachers similarly and not considered them screen time (though ours didn't offer them unfortunately).

OP here. They aren’t really classmates - it’s his Music Together class gone remote. DS is used to hearing his grandparents and extended family on speaker phone so it’s no different than before covid but for the record, I don’t consider facetime “tv” either.