How to avoid discussions when you have unpopular opinions?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, come up with a couple of good lies. Friends and even random people on the internet who question your choices you made in the best interest of your family don't really deserve the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, come up with a couple of good lies. Friends and even random people on the internet who question your choices you made in the best interest of your family don't really deserve the truth.

I also agree with this. My next door neighbor’s kid used to play with another neighbor boy. My next door neighbor relayed to me that the other kid wasn’t going to be playing with anymore because the mom was worried he could be sick (though it was probably just allergies). It’s been months now so I assume that was just an excuse, but not a bad one IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just say - “thanks so much for checking in - I hope you guys are doing great - we miss you. I’m still feeling nervous about things & we aren’t ready for get togethers yet, but I’ll call you when we are.”
If I had to guess, you’re probably coming off as holier than thou in your responses. So work on that if you can.

This. Don't say anything judgy. Don't ask questions about their actions. Don't give advice. Don't explain why. Just "we're not ready yet".

[Anonymous]

You avoid by not explaining the decision. Don't use the words "social distancing" or "COVID" or any of that.

Q: "Do you want to come to the 50-person indoor singing party?"
A: "Thanks for thinking of us, but we can't do it."

Rinse and repeat. You won't be doing it long, because the reopening is going to cause a resurgence here the same way it has everywhere, and everyone will be back where you are in a month or so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have decided to continue social isolation as much as possible. It’s not hard for us since we have a great nanny (who lives alone and only sees us) and I have always worked from home. Without DH’s commute and the gyms closed, he’s also home more. We’re lucky, I know. It seems over the past week, I get a daily call from a friend asking if DS is going to return to a class or for a play date. The first couple times I told the truth and just said we were continuing with strict social distancing and have been met with nearly angry responses. I must be wording it wrong. Please tell me how to respond without eliciting defensive or angry mocking.

Same in normal times when the subject of TV comes up. We don’t let DS watch anything including when his classes went remote (which is why it came up) and not for play dates when we were having them.

Thanks.

Honestly - I think you just need to be comfortable with people strongly disagreeing with you and expressing that disagreement. If you're expecting people to just say "oh you're right that's great" then you're not being realistic. If people are saying "that's crazy!" then just say "well, to each his own" and change the subject.

There is no magical way to say something people disagree with and have them not disagree.

Now if people are really reacting with strong anger (yelling at you, cursing, calling you stupid) then your issue is that the people you're talking to are jerks, and you should downgrade those relationships accordingly. But I think this post would be very different if that's what was going on.

Just out of curiosity - were you fairly popular (or at least well liked) throughout middle and high school? I find this kind of attitude is common among adults who were always popular growing up. They just never got comfortable doing things and being judged negatively for them. While people who went through a period of everyone mocking them for whatever stupid stuff middle schoolers care about (myself included!) tend to be more comfortable being out of the mainstream as adults. It's a theory - could be wrong though, doesn't change my answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, come up with a couple of good lies. Friends and even random people on the internet who question your choices you made in the best interest of your family don't really deserve the truth.

I don't disagree with your last statement, but I also don't tend to think lying in this situation will be effective. If they believe the lie, then they're just going to keep coming back to you. In the more likely situation that they see through the lie, they'll be upset or hurt that you lied.

I like the proposed response that's been floated here. If friends are reacting poorly to a statement like that, then that's very unfortunate. That's obviously not a very "friendly" thing to do, but try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they're just stressed out by the situation.

I also think it's possible that the OP might be reading more into the responses from the friends then she should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have decided to continue social isolation as much as possible. It’s not hard for us since we have a great nanny (who lives alone and only sees us) and I have always worked from home. Without DH’s commute and the gyms closed, he’s also home more. We’re lucky, I know. It seems over the past week, I get a daily call from a friend asking if DS is going to return to a class or for a play date. The first couple times I told the truth and just said we were continuing with strict social distancing and have been met with nearly angry responses. I must be wording it wrong. Please tell me how to respond without eliciting defensive or angry mocking.

Same in normal times when the subject of TV comes up. We don’t let DS watch anything including when his classes went remote (which is why it came up) and not for play dates when we were having them.

Thanks.

Honestly - I think you just need to be comfortable with people strongly disagreeing with you and expressing that disagreement. If you're expecting people to just say "oh you're right that's great" then you're not being realistic. If people are saying "that's crazy!" then just say "well, to each his own" and change the subject.

There is no magical way to say something people disagree with and have them not disagree.

Now if people are really reacting with strong anger (yelling at you, cursing, calling you stupid) then your issue is that the people you're talking to are jerks, and you should downgrade those relationships accordingly. But I think this post would be very different if that's what was going on.

Just out of curiosity - were you fairly popular (or at least well liked) throughout middle and high school? I find this kind of attitude is common among adults who were always popular growing up. They just never got comfortable doing things and being judged negatively for them. While people who went through a period of everyone mocking them for whatever stupid stuff middle schoolers care about (myself included!) tend to be more comfortable being out of the mainstream as adults. It's a theory - could be wrong though, doesn't change my answer.

I'm the PP - thought of something I wanted to add. Lots of people up thread are suggesting just not mentioning your reasons, saying no without explanation, etc. This is a really good path for people that you need strong boundaries with - an overbearing parent, a bully fellow parent at daycare, a colleague. But I think if you respond to everyone this way, including close friends, you're putting up walls that prevent true connection over time. I wouldn't ever end up close friends with someone who responded in that way. Something else to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have decided to continue social isolation as much as possible. It’s not hard for us since we have a great nanny (who lives alone and only sees us) and I have always worked from home. Without DH’s commute and the gyms closed, he’s also home more. We’re lucky, I know. It seems over the past week, I get a daily call from a friend asking if DS is going to return to a class or for a play date. The first couple times I told the truth and just said we were continuing with strict social distancing and have been met with nearly angry responses. I must be wording it wrong. Please tell me how to respond without eliciting defensive or angry mocking.

Same in normal times when the subject of TV comes up. We don’t let DS watch anything including when his classes went remote (which is why it came up) and not for play dates when we were having them.

Thanks.

Say that you are sick with a cold, say that you have to do x errand for a relative, say that your kid has some injury, say that you are renovating

[Anonymous]

Screenshot 2020-06-18 at 11.51.47 AM.jpeg

[Anonymous]

Just tell the truth. Either they agree or they go away. There is no need to make up a story.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, just blame yourself. “Sorry, I’m just too nervous! I know, it’s silly isn’t it?” Act like you think you’re the silly one and they are the ones being logical, even if you don’t. I agree with you, by the way, but I’m willing to act self deprecating in order to not make other people upset.

[Anonymous]

Could it be the way you're saying it? We allow TV, our friends don't, and it's never been an issue or even a topic of discussion. Saying, "we don't do TV" and moving on is not the same as saying "we don't do TV, it's so harmful for brain development and has been proven to do X and Y to kids, we really think it's important to maintain our kid's health" is basically saying, "we know you DGAF about your kid's development, but we really value ours".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be the way you're saying it? We allow TV, our friends don't, and it's never been an issue or even a topic of discussion. Saying, "we don't do TV" and moving on is not the same as saying "we don't do TV, it's so harmful for brain development and has been proven to do X and Y to kids, we really think it's important to maintain our kid's health" is basically saying, "we know you DGAF about your kid's development, but we really value ours".

*which is basically saying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just say - “thanks so much for checking in - I hope you guys are doing great - we miss you. I’m still feeling nervous about things & we aren’t ready for get togethers yet, but I’ll call you when we are.”
If I had to guess, you’re probably coming off as holier than thou in your responses. So work on that if you can.

This. Don't say anything judgy. Don't ask questions about their actions. Don't give advice. Don't explain why. Just "we're not ready yet".

I agree. No "I'm nervous" or "I'm being extra cautious" Don't give them anything to respond to other than "we aren't ready yet"

[Anonymous]

Maybe you have the wrong friends. The bulk of my friends and relatives are in full quarantine. People are going out for nature walks only in remote areas. Everyone's having groceries delivered.

Hang out with people whose morals align with yours.