DH here. I want a degree of medical privacy (HIPPA Yay) from my wife....causing friction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes protect yourself legally, she needs to be deprogrammed from quackery. It's all over the internet and many people get caught in the net.

My good friend died because of this. I never thought she was as severe as she was, I was her best friend. Went on a trip one year and found out she never had a mammogram. She was certain her "protocol" and PH strips would protect her from cancer. I finally talked her into going. She ended up with stage 3 breast cancer that was slow growing which she could have easily treated. Instead she decided to take a protocol of who knows what. She claims it shrank, but basically she died within 3 years. Her idiot husband just allowed it instead of being adamant about getting treatment. I didn't find out until I confronted her about her sudden weight loss, and by then it was too late. She was in the final stages which was quite shocking.

You can only protect yourself.

Lots of people are treated for cancer, have their breasts removed, lose all their hair and then die of breast cancer, too.

[Anonymous]

You should make your own decision about whether to get the procedure done.

How long will the process and recovery and need to visit the doctor take?

Perhaps to allay her covid fears, you guys should rent a separate living space for that time. Or divide the house up into your area and her area if possible. That way, you are not also exposing her to covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes protect yourself legally, she needs to be deprogrammed from quackery. It's all over the internet and many people get caught in the net.

My good friend died because of this. I never thought she was as severe as she was, I was her best friend. Went on a trip one year and found out she never had a mammogram. She was certain her "protocol" and PH strips would protect her from cancer. I finally talked her into going. She ended up with stage 3 breast cancer that was slow growing which she could have easily treated. Instead she decided to take a protocol of who knows what. She claims it shrank, but basically she died within 3 years. Her idiot husband just allowed it instead of being adamant about getting treatment. I didn't find out until I confronted her about her sudden weight loss, and by then it was too late. She was in the final stages which was quite shocking.

You can only protect yourself.

Lots of people are treated for cancer, have their breasts removed, lose all their hair and then die of breast cancer, too.

True but her prognosis was good.

[Anonymous]

Did you try essential oils? Seriously, that's a tough one. I wish I had some good advice that hasn't been written already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore her. Also make sure she isn’t your health care proxy and won’t otherwise be in charge of your medical decisions if you become incapacitated.

This is really, really important. Make sure she is not on your medical POA if you are incapacitated. You are a young guy. Pick someone wlse to be on your health care proxy.
My sister is like this. My lawyer heavily urged me to take her off my health care proxy. Best move I ever made.

Seriously. Listen to this poster. You are young. You want a good health care proxy.

+1. My DH (now ex) was a terrible health care proxy. Even before I met DH, I had given a healthcare PoA to my Dad when I was working in a really risky job/environment. When I got out of that business, I didn't revoke the PoA (out of laziness) but after a year or two with my DH, I realized how much he sucked at healthcare issues and how he would never defend me nor would he put my interests and desires over his. I had a very specific conversation with my Dad after that realization reminding him that I never revoked PoA and telling him that I specifically wanted him to make any serious medical decisions for me and not my DH.

Of course, the realization that my DH was neither capable nor had my interests at heart was something that lay at the root of impossible to overcome marital issues. But, YMMV on that.

[Anonymous]

It’s HIPAA, in case you plan to make note of it in a letter to a doctor or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team DW, but that's irrelevant. It doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate -- it sounds like she is advocating strenuously on your behalf. Anyway, it's your body and you get to trust the doctor if that's what you choose. I wouldn't shut your wife out since she clearly is fighting for you and is on your side, even though it seems like she is on the opposite side. Try to get her to see that ultimately, it's your choice and she needs to know when to stop pushing for something you don't support yourself.

Fighting and advocating for someone means supporting and respecting their decisions, not going against them.

Yes, that's what I said.

No. You said "it doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate"
Take away those double negatives and that reads "It sounds like your DW is a good health care advocate"
She isn't. She is advocating for what she wants and not listening to her husband. She isn't "fighting for him" she is simply "fighting him" if you ask me.

Uh, she is advocating for what she thinks is in her husband's best interest. Yes, she is "fighting for him" -- and pretty strenuously. Like I said, she needs to know when to stop pushing for what she thinks is best when OP doesn't agree with her. I'm not sure what your beef is with what I said.

What she thinks is his best interest. Not what he thinks is his best interest.

For example, if somebody decided to get an abortion because the doctor told her the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and it would put the mother's life at risk to deliver the baby, but her spouse decided it was in her best interest to carry the baby to term and see if it would be OK and pushes for that, is that being a good advocate? Not, it is the spouse advocating for what he/she wants.

That's my beef with what you said. You said she was being a good advocate. She isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team DW, but that's irrelevant. It doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate -- it sounds like she is advocating strenuously on your behalf. Anyway, it's your body and you get to trust the doctor if that's what you choose. I wouldn't shut your wife out since she clearly is fighting for you and is on your side, even though it seems like she is on the opposite side. Try to get her to see that ultimately, it's your choice and she needs to know when to stop pushing for something you don't support yourself.

Disagree, she is imposing her anti-science mumbo jumbo, and demanding nature on this man's inherently stressful experiences.

Sounds like a nightmare to me. I am sorry that she is not what you need through these times OP.

Do you have a sibling or close friend who might do a better job in that role?

I would put yourself first right now. If your wife is upset, schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or social worker who will mediate the discussion. Your wife has to be more responsive to YOUR needs or she gets cut out of this whole side of things (which would be sad for you both).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes protect yourself legally, she needs to be deprogrammed from quackery. It's all over the internet and many people get caught in the net.

My good friend died because of this. I never thought she was as severe as she was, I was her best friend. Went on a trip one year and found out she never had a mammogram. She was certain her "protocol" and PH strips would protect her from cancer. I finally talked her into going. She ended up with stage 3 breast cancer that was slow growing which she could have easily treated. Instead she decided to take a protocol of who knows what. She claims it shrank, but basically she died within 3 years. Her idiot husband just allowed it instead of being adamant about getting treatment. I didn't find out until I confronted her about her sudden weight loss, and by then it was too late. She was in the final stages which was quite shocking.

You can only protect yourself.

Lots of people are treated for cancer, have their breasts removed, lose all their hair and then die of breast cancer, too.

True but her prognosis was good.

And three years is a fast decline, except for the most aggressive tumors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team DW, but that's irrelevant. It doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate -- it sounds like she is advocating strenuously on your behalf. Anyway, it's your body and you get to trust the doctor if that's what you choose. I wouldn't shut your wife out since she clearly is fighting for you and is on your side, even though it seems like she is on the opposite side. Try to get her to see that ultimately, it's your choice and she needs to know when to stop pushing for something you don't support yourself.

Fighting and advocating for someone means supporting and respecting their decisions, not going against them.

Yes, that's what I said.

No. You said "it doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate"
Take away those double negatives and that reads "It sounds like your DW is a good health care advocate"
She isn't. She is advocating for what she wants and not listening to her husband. She isn't "fighting for him" she is simply "fighting him" if you ask me.

Uh, she is advocating for what she thinks is in her husband's best interest. Yes, she is "fighting for him" -- and pretty strenuously. Like I said, she needs to know when to stop pushing for what she thinks is best when OP doesn't agree with her. I'm not sure what your beef is with what I said.

What she thinks is his best interest. Not what he thinks is his best interest.

For example, if somebody decided to get an abortion because the doctor told her the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and it would put the mother's life at risk to deliver the baby, but her spouse decided it was in her best interest to carry the baby to term and see if it would be OK and pushes for that, is that being a good advocate? Not, it is the spouse advocating for what he/she wants.

That's my beef with what you said. You said she was being a good advocate. She isn't.

This is really crazy because who cares about your fantasy scenario, but ok I'll go on... No, it would be like if a doctor told a woman that she should get an abortion because the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and the DH, as the advocate in this instance, said no, I don't think that's right -- I think the doctor is trying to take advantage of you in your compromised and vulnerable state and I know you're very scared right now but I want a second opinion. (In my case, thank God I got the second opinion because the first doctor was completely WRONG and my baby is now a healthy 17 year old, who would otherwise have been aborted, with us forever after thinking that something had been terribly wrong with him. It happens. Really weird you chose that scenario as your example....)

I think the issue is with the term "advocate." I think the OP's DW is being an advocate by trying to get him to see things her way and protecting him from the doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore her. Also make sure she isn’t your health care proxy and won’t otherwise be in charge of your medical decisions if you become incapacitated.

This. I would definitely give someone else medical power of attorney, like right away.

Second this advice, and continue making good decisions for your health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team DW, but that's irrelevant. It doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate -- it sounds like she is advocating strenuously on your behalf. Anyway, it's your body and you get to trust the doctor if that's what you choose. I wouldn't shut your wife out since she clearly is fighting for you and is on your side, even though it seems like she is on the opposite side. Try to get her to see that ultimately, it's your choice and she needs to know when to stop pushing for something you don't support yourself.

Fighting and advocating for someone means supporting and respecting their decisions, not going against them.

Yes, that's what I said.

No. You said "it doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate"
Take away those double negatives and that reads "It sounds like your DW is a good health care advocate"
She isn't. She is advocating for what she wants and not listening to her husband. She isn't "fighting for him" she is simply "fighting him" if you ask me.

Uh, she is advocating for what she thinks is in her husband's best interest. Yes, she is "fighting for him" -- and pretty strenuously. Like I said, she needs to know when to stop pushing for what she thinks is best when OP doesn't agree with her. I'm not sure what your beef is with what I said.

What she thinks is his best interest. Not what he thinks is his best interest.

For example, if somebody decided to get an abortion because the doctor told her the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and it would put the mother's life at risk to deliver the baby, but her spouse decided it was in her best interest to carry the baby to term and see if it would be OK and pushes for that, is that being a good advocate? Not, it is the spouse advocating for what he/she wants.

That's my beef with what you said. You said she was being a good advocate. She isn't.

Exactly. I mean, it raises some philosophical questions. Taking the quackery (I think OP's DW is a victim of quackery too) aside:

A has beliefs about what is quality health care.
B has beliefs about what is quality health care.
A's beliefs and B's beliefs contradict each other.
B has a sincere and relevant concern for A's wellbeing.

What is the best way for B to advocate and/or support A?
And, if this is a relationship such as marriage, based on assumptions of care and reciprocity, what is the best way for A to support B, who may be fearful about the result of A's decisions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team DW, but that's irrelevant. It doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate -- it sounds like she is advocating strenuously on your behalf. Anyway, it's your body and you get to trust the doctor if that's what you choose. I wouldn't shut your wife out since she clearly is fighting for you and is on your side, even though it seems like she is on the opposite side. Try to get her to see that ultimately, it's your choice and she needs to know when to stop pushing for something you don't support yourself.

Fighting and advocating for someone means supporting and respecting their decisions, not going against them.

And not calling them a "drama queen" either.

Seriously OP, it sounds like your wife & the PP that's "team DW" are cut from the same cloth... horrible, awful people.

[Anonymous]

My DH is similar. Do what you think is best and don’t discuss it with her. Hire a home health aid if needed, or have a relative come help you. Her behavior is borderline abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on team DW, but that's irrelevant. It doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate -- it sounds like she is advocating strenuously on your behalf. Anyway, it's your body and you get to trust the doctor if that's what you choose. I wouldn't shut your wife out since she clearly is fighting for you and is on your side, even though it seems like she is on the opposite side. Try to get her to see that ultimately, it's your choice and she needs to know when to stop pushing for something you don't support yourself.

Fighting and advocating for someone means supporting and respecting their decisions, not going against them.

Yes, that's what I said.

No. You said "it doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate"
Take away those double negatives and that reads "It sounds like your DW is a good health care advocate"
She isn't. She is advocating for what she wants and not listening to her husband. She isn't "fighting for him" she is simply "fighting him" if you ask me.

Uh, she is advocating for what she thinks is in her husband's best interest. Yes, she is "fighting for him" -- and pretty strenuously. Like I said, she needs to know when to stop pushing for what she thinks is best when OP doesn't agree with her. I'm not sure what your beef is with what I said.

What she thinks is his best interest. Not what he thinks is his best interest.

For example, if somebody decided to get an abortion because the doctor told her the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and it would put the mother's life at risk to deliver the baby, but her spouse decided it was in her best interest to carry the baby to term and see if it would be OK and pushes for that, is that being a good advocate? Not, it is the spouse advocating for what he/she wants.

That's my beef with what you said. You said she was being a good advocate. She isn't.

This is really crazy because who cares about your fantasy scenario, but ok I'll go on... No, it would be like if a doctor told a woman that she should get an abortion because the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and the DH, as the advocate in this instance, said no, I don't think that's right -- I think the doctor is trying to take advantage of you in your compromised and vulnerable state and I know you're very scared right now but I want a second opinion. (In my case, thank God I got the second opinion because the first doctor was completely WRONG and my baby is now a healthy 17 year old, who would otherwise have been aborted, with us forever after thinking that something had been terribly wrong with him. It happens. Really weird you chose that scenario as your example....)

I think the issue is with the term "advocate." I think the OP's DW is being an advocate by trying to get him to see things her way and protecting him from the doctor.

This pp is DW!
DW: you’re wrong here. As a health care proxy, you to step in your DH’s shoes and advocate as HE would want.