DH here. I want a degree of medical privacy (HIPPA Yay) from my wife....causing friction

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm on team DW, but that's irrelevant. It doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate -- it sounds like she is advocating strenuously on your behalf. Anyway, it's your body and you get to trust the doctor if that's what you choose. I wouldn't shut your wife out since she clearly is fighting for you and is on your side, even though it seems like she is on the opposite side. Try to get her to see that ultimately, it's your choice and she needs to know when to stop pushing for something you don't support yourself.

Fighting and advocating for someone means supporting and respecting their decisions, not going against them.

Yes, that's what I said.

No. You said "it doesn't sound like your DW is not a good health care advocate"
Take away those double negatives and that reads "It sounds like your DW is a good health care advocate"
She isn't. She is advocating for what she wants and not listening to her husband. She isn't "fighting for him" she is simply "fighting him" if you ask me.

Uh, she is advocating for what she thinks is in her husband's best interest. Yes, she is "fighting for him" -- and pretty strenuously. Like I said, she needs to know when to stop pushing for what she thinks is best when OP doesn't agree with her. I'm not sure what your beef is with what I said.

What she thinks is his best interest. Not what he thinks is his best interest.

For example, if somebody decided to get an abortion because the doctor told her the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and it would put the mother's life at risk to deliver the baby, but her spouse decided it was in her best interest to carry the baby to term and see if it would be OK and pushes for that, is that being a good advocate? Not, it is the spouse advocating for what he/she wants.

That's my beef with what you said. You said she was being a good advocate. She isn't.

This is really crazy because who cares about your fantasy scenario, but ok I'll go on... No, it would be like if a doctor told a woman that she should get an abortion because the baby's life would be full of pain and very short, and the DH, as the advocate in this instance, said no, I don't think that's right -- I think the doctor is trying to take advantage of you in your compromised and vulnerable state and I know you're very scared right now but I want a second opinion. (In my case, thank God I got the second opinion because the first doctor was completely WRONG and my baby is now a healthy 17 year old, who would otherwise have been aborted, with us forever after thinking that something had been terribly wrong with him. It happens. Really weird you chose that scenario as your example....)

I think the issue is with the term "advocate." I think the OP's DW is being an advocate by trying to get him to see things her way and protecting him from the doctor.

This pp is DW!
DW: you’re wrong here. As a health care proxy, you to step in your DH’s shoes and advocate as HE would want.

+1. And -- she's not trying to get him to get a second opinion. She's trying to STOP him from getting ANY medical care. That's really bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a scientific background and am good at thinking things through. My wife thinks taking pills is a sign of weakness, and I should seek out alternatives, like better nutrition. Except, my diet is not bad. I do have terrible genetics, though.

As a result of her actions, I stopped having her go to medical appointments with me. And we have 100% different medical professionals. (she picks fights with doctors about running late, billing, etc.). I do not.

I discovered this about 10 years into our marriage, when I started having some chronic medical issues (bad genetics meant I developed diabetes at 38; I also have a terrible cardiac history and other issues). When I was diagnosed with cancer, the treatment was to take out the affected organ (kidney; I have two). She found that terribly insulting, and was demanding I get a second opinion. Two doctors, said it. She wanted a third opinion, and wanted to explore natural remedies. Um no. Get the tumor out of me.).

After dealing with the cancer and the follow care (including removing another metastatic tumor), I realized she was not a good health care advocate.

Now, lets go forward a decade....I have had some heart issues...no attack but four stents. A few weeks ago, while walking, I felt chest pain. I did what I was supposed (sit five minutes), and it went away. My cardiologist ordered a stress test, which I did not pass. So next stop is the Catheterization lab; I will probably get my 5th stent. Wife wants me to delay this because of COVID. She does not want me going to a medical facility. This is not something I can delay. (The angina is getting worse; I think there is a chance I will have a 9-11 moment, and get it done early). I am telling her it is far better to go there before the attack.

She thinks the doctors are just trying to make money, and I am a drama queen. I can't fake a nuclear stress test.

Your DW sounds like a lunatic but she's not all wrong. You should know that the genetics excuse is a throwaway diagnosis. It's lazy. I have a propensity to have high cholesterol b/c my body simply does not metabolize it well and I manage it 100% with nutrition. Not all folks are alike, but I am more of a fan of holistic health rather than pill popping. However, your DW approach is awful. She needs to be supportive of you and approach you in a way where you're not hesitant to share with her. My .02.