If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...

[Anonymous]

General areas - kitchen and living room - I would think great! Your SIL has lived with you for over a year and a half so this is her house too at this point. She is a roommate. Does she pay any rent or some of the expenses?

If MIL went into your bedroom, then that is crossing a boundary.

And who cares about where the couch cushions are. Maybe she took them off and then had no idea where they were before. My cushions don't even have a place. They get thrown on the couch. They are just couch cushions after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Seriously, you need therapy. You are heavily pregnant, obviously stressed by trying to do too much this week and you freak out because your MIL wants to come help clean up after the exhausting round of entertaining and surprise you with a treat?? Most people don't obsess so much over the placement of their couch pillows. Tell her thank you, wait until she leaves and then move the pillows. You are willing to let a stranger come in and clean, but are "on the verge of tears" when a family member does the same thing.

This is not normal.

In fairness I have a BIL who is an OB/GYN and a SIL who is a CPA (one on my side, one on DHs so it isn’t as an IL thing) We would rather use strangers for those services yes!!! Same goes for scrubbing my master bathroom. I consider all of these things very personal among adults.

Now trusting people with my kids? Family all the way.

To me they are not the same thing at all.

[Anonymous]

Was your SIL at home? Are you sure she didn't invite her in or give her the key to go in.

How would she sneak into your house - she broke in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Seriously, you need therapy. You are heavily pregnant, obviously stressed by trying to do too much this week and you freak out because your MIL wants to come help clean up after the exhausting round of entertaining and surprise you with a treat?? Most people don't obsess so much over the placement of their couch pillows. Tell her thank you, wait until she leaves and then move the pillows. You are willing to let a stranger come in and clean, but are "on the verge of tears" when a family member does the same thing.

This is not normal.

Have you ever had an uninvited house guest in your house for a year and a half?? And I work from home, so this is a 24-7 situation. Yes, part of this is about why she isn’t with her mother, and feeling like I’ve been invaded in general. The reason she is not with her mother is because her mother is an impossible control freak who expels absolutely everyone from her life except for DH, me and our kids. With us, she wants alllll the way in. She would live here if she could. As long as she could rearrange the pillows to perfection

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was your SIL at home? Are you sure she didn't invite her in or give her the key to go in.

How would she sneak into your house - she broke in?

Yes, my housebound SIL let her in. She comes over to drive sil to health food store. If I’m there, mil stays longer than she should and then goes. If I’m gone, she stays and wanders the house. I’ve known this but today she really want to town and it sucks because I already had her over for dinner three nights in a single week. She did go into the bedrooms. And the bathrooms. This is all loaded with judgement. She and sil are both allergic to scented shampoos and perfume,many cleaning products (we have tailored our cleaning products to them but I did squirt on perfume for my party last night)and all kinds of foods, they have preferences and opinions about everything under the sun.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You are not thinking straight.

My patents are control freaks that insist on dictating what time house guests go to bed, wake-up, eat, etc. They are certifiably NUTS.

And yet I would love it if they cleaned my house. My father has actually done that. It was so helpful!

If they find something “embarrassing”, they would be embarrassed, not me. I don’t care.

Again, just because your MIL is a control freak doesn't mean she can’t be useful for once!!!



So, please calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Seriously, you need therapy. You are heavily pregnant, obviously stressed by trying to do too much this week and you freak out because your MIL wants to come help clean up after the exhausting round of entertaining and surprise you with a treat?? Most people don't obsess so much over the placement of their couch pillows. Tell her thank you, wait until she leaves and then move the pillows. You are willing to let a stranger come in and clean, but are "on the verge of tears" when a family member does the same thing.

This is not normal.

You are wrong.
I get it OP. It sucks. Really it is time for the SIL to move out. You have a fourth baby on the way? My goodness that's a lot and the perfect opportunity to have your husband tell his sister it's time to go. If she has to go back to MILs so be it - it is not your responsibility to ensure she is the most comfortable! Even if this baby is not your fourth ...1st, 2nd, 3rd or whatever, you have your hands full and you need your house back! It would drive me bonkers.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like yours and we did have to cut her off for a year when she was at her most abusive towards us. She also once snuck into our house and cleaned it. There are a few great books about dealing with mothers who are abusive or narcissistic and I’d suggest reading those since it gave me a great map for dealing with my MIL.

I’d suggest not focusing on the cleaning and more on the big-picture boundaries that you’d like to establish. The cleaning can be an unhelpful distraction—if she’s like my MIl, if you focus on the cleaning she’ll launch into her rant about how none of us appreciate her and how she’s sacrificed so much for her kids.

[Anonymous]

I was newly home from the hospital after giving birth and my mil instructed me to vacuum because she saw a dust bunny on our hardwood floor. I wish I had a mil like yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You are not thinking straight.

My patents are control freaks that insist on dictating what time house guests go to bed, wake-up, eat, etc. They are certifiably NUTS.

And yet I would love it if they cleaned my house. My father has actually done that. It was so helpful!

If they find something “embarrassing”, they would be embarrassed, not me. I don’t care.

Again, just because your MIL is a control freak doesn't mean she can’t be useful for once!!!



So, please calm down.

But wait — these aren’t my parents! I’d be fine with my own mom cleaning my house. And if I was deathly ill you can bet I’d be on my mom’s couch, not my sister in law’s!

[Anonymous]

I would assume my MIL has a neat fetish and was looking for a place to exercise it and I got lucky! I'd give her her own set of keys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You are not thinking straight.

My patents are control freaks that insist on dictating what time house guests go to bed, wake-up, eat, etc. They are certifiably NUTS.

And yet I would love it if they cleaned my house. My father has actually done that. It was so helpful!

If they find something “embarrassing”, they would be embarrassed, not me. I don’t care.

Again, just because your MIL is a control freak doesn't mean she can’t be useful for once!!!



So, please calm down.

But wait — these aren’t my parents! I’d be fine with my own mom cleaning my house. And if I was deathly ill you can bet I’d be on my mom’s couch, not my sister in law’s!

Right, but I would feel the same towards my ILs, or aunt, or whoever else related to me by blood or marriage. The point is that they may be nuts but that doesn’t mean they can’t help out. I’m not sure why you’re not appreciating that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like yours and we did have to cut her off for a year when she was at her most abusive towards us. She also once snuck into our house and cleaned it. There are a few great books about dealing with mothers who are abusive or narcissistic and I’d suggest reading those since it gave me a great map for dealing with my MIL.

I’d suggest not focusing on the cleaning and more on the big-picture boundaries that you’d like to establish. The cleaning can be an unhelpful distraction—if she’s like my MIl, if you focus on the cleaning she’ll launch into her rant about how none of us appreciate her and how she’s sacrificed so much for her kids.

This is such a great point. I’m having a hard time convincing dcum that this isn’t about helping me. Never has she asked 7-months-pregnant with #4 me if she could run an errand or something. It’s about control, and making my environment hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like yours and we did have to cut her off for a year when she was at her most abusive towards us. She also once snuck into our house and cleaned it. There are a few great books about dealing with mothers who are abusive or narcissistic and I’d suggest reading those since it gave me a great map for dealing with my MIL.

I’d suggest not focusing on the cleaning and more on the big-picture boundaries that you’d like to establish. The cleaning can be an unhelpful distraction—if she’s like my MIl, if you focus on the cleaning she’ll launch into her rant about how none of us appreciate her and how she’s sacrificed so much for her kids.

This is such a great point. I’m having a hard time convincing dcum that this isn’t about helping me. Never has she asked 7-months-pregnant with #4 me if she could run an errand or something. It’s about control, and making my environment hers.

And our point is that no one is bad 100% of the time, and you can use her foibles to your advantage.

But you are determined to read bad intentions in everything she does. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like yours and we did have to cut her off for a year when she was at her most abusive towards us. She also once snuck into our house and cleaned it. There are a few great books about dealing with mothers who are abusive or narcissistic and I’d suggest reading those since it gave me a great map for dealing with my MIL.

I’d suggest not focusing on the cleaning and more on the big-picture boundaries that you’d like to establish. The cleaning can be an unhelpful distraction—if she’s like my MIl, if you focus on the cleaning she’ll launch into her rant about how none of us appreciate her and how she’s sacrificed so much for her kids.

This is such a great point. I’m having a hard time convincing dcum that this isn’t about helping me. Never has she asked 7-months-pregnant with #4 me if she could run an errand or something. It’s about control, and making my environment hers.

And our point is that no one is bad 100% of the time, and you can use her foibles to your advantage.

But you are determined to read bad intentions in everything she does. Oh well.

And my point is that these aren’t foibles. They are psychoses. She was recently expelled from the church choir because she is too difficult to deal with. And yes, she can sing — I’ll grant her that!