If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...

[Anonymous]

This is classic gaslighting from a narcissist. She literally did not tell you and moved shit around in your house, all over too! There’s a movie about this called...Gaslight.

Your problem OP is that you say you aren’t willing to cut off your in laws unless they are ax murderers. Your bar for people’s behavior is too low because you want to be “nice”. Stop being nice. Tell your husband this shit had to stop, and then tell your SIL to move out before the baby is born, and change your damn locks.

You owe yourself, your children, and husband boundaries that will keep YOU sane and healthy.

Good luck with the new baby!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, it never would have occurred to me that someone would be upset if their family member cleaned their house. I did this for my brother and SIL when they had their last baby - I got in from out of town and their house really needed to be cleaned so I did it while they discharged from the hospital.

And, who really remembers how people had their pillows on the couch so they can put them back exactly as they found them.

Same. I've done it each time my sister had a child. Both she and her husband were very thankful when they got home and found everything spic and span. I even stocked the pantry/fridge with a bunch of food even though I knew her friends had a dinner train going. I've done the same for friends. It is what you do for friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was newly home from the hospital after giving birth and my mil instructed me to vacuum because she saw a dust bunny on our hardwood floor. I wish I had a mil like yours.

Omg.
Mine complained I hadn’t bought the food and snacks we know she likes.

[Anonymous]

Op- have you tried talking to your MIL? If you express concern & she does it again, she has boundary issues. If you express concern & she apologizes and stops the behavior- then she thought you’d appreciate it.
I often think the other side of relationships with ‘boundary issues’ are women (yes women) who smile/nod & don’t say a darned thing. People cannot read your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:she absolutely crossed a boundary. for all of you saying "i'd be happy," i guess you don't have intrusive in-laws. you're lucky. you don't walk into somebody's house, unannounced and go through someone's thing's/"cleaning". it's rude.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is classic gaslighting from a narcissist. She literally did not tell you and moved shit around in your house, all over too! There’s a movie about this called...Gaslight.

Your problem OP is that you say you aren’t willing to cut off your in laws unless they are ax murderers. Your bar for people’s behavior is too low because you want to be “nice”. Stop being nice. Tell your husband this shit had to stop, and then tell your SIL to move out before the baby is born, and change your damn locks.

You owe yourself, your children, and husband boundaries that will keep YOU sane and healthy.

Good luck with the new baby!

This is not classic gaslighting. Gaslighting is someone doing something, you know they did it, and they swear up and down they did not and imply you are crazy. The title of the move is taken from the plot - the husband keeps lowering the brightness of the gas lamps and tells the wife she is nuts for accusing him of doing so.

[Anonymous]

^^unless MIL is now denying she cleaned but I haven't seen OP say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd thank her and be thrilled.

Same.

But a lot of people here thrive on being outraged and playing victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd thank her and be thrilled.

Same.

But a lot of people here thrive on being outraged and playing victim.

You like it when other people go through your stuff? You’re weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd thank her and be thrilled.

Same.

But a lot of people here thrive on being outraged and playing victim.

So you don't agree that it's a basic expectation for someone to ask/offer first before they go into someone's home? I get that it's lovely when family have good intentions and mean well, but you really can't imagine that it could also be embarrassing or annoying to someone if they weren't expecting this or didn't want it? No one has ever done this for me, but I can imagine it being mortifying - that you thought my house was in bad enough shape that you needed to sneak in and manage it for me? I would definitely be too embarrassed that it happened to appreciate it.

[Anonymous]

I think its interesting the MIL didn't say that she did the cleaning. Its a classic passive aggressive move to make the OP question her own motives (ie am i terrible person for not wanting to have someone "surprise" clean my house). Classic PA boundary crossing.

[Anonymous]

My MIL lives 3000 miles away in another continent. And she is over 80 years old.

If she snuck into my house and cleaned it and then left and I didn't have to speak to her.

I'd be frickin delighted. Absolutely!

[Anonymous]

So this has happened to me and my sister years apart and it was our mother that did the sneaking in and cleaning.

My brother in law (so it was his mother in law) had a huge fight with her and stopped speaking to he.

Basically, her fear of being cut off from grandchildren (by her sons in law) is greater than her desire to clean our houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally get it OP. It gave her the opportunity to snoop around your house (look in cabinets and drawers and closets.)
She should have asked you before she did it.
It’s time your SIL moved out. Seriously. You’ve been too kind and she’s taken advantage of that. Enough is enough.
Time for you husband to reel in his relatives. And tell him, if he won’t deal with them, you will.

Yeah, but if she is going to snoop, which she probably will anyway, at least you get some free cleaning out of it.

[Anonymous]

I would change the locks on the doors. There’s no way I would allow this.