If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Change my locks and kick SIL out.

But then who will watch the kids? doubt OP would have allowed SIL to stay this long if she wasn’t useful in any way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...how would you react?

My sister in law has been staying with us on and off for a year and a half due to health issues. My mother in law has major, major boundary issues, which is why my sister in law doesn’t stay with her. It’s been a problem because my sil’s presence gives mil freedom to drop by whenever.

Also background: mil cut off her own in laws from their only grandkids permanently when DH was a kid so that’s her approach. And yes, she divorced her husband too many years later. She is a control freak who will not allow most people in her house, or any changes to her routine.

I am 7 months pregnant and working like a demon, as is my husband. My three kids also all had birthdays this week and I had small family parties for all of them, which mil attended, as well as an unavoidable dinner for another couple last night. The house...could be cleaner after four big dinner events in a row. After working all this Sunday morning, DH and I took kids to church, lunch and a museum.

When we got home at dinner, I noticed that the house looked...strangely better? I asked sil and she said that mil has come in and cleaned.

I know that this was probably supposed to be nice, but I am furious at the underlying judgement and the fact that she was as usual in my house while I’m gone, f-ing around with my stuff. Yes, I know my house is messy (but it’s not unsanitary or anything -/ I have a weekly cleaning lady).

What would you do?

Thank her and leave the cleaning products in a visible area from now on. Perhaps moan about how I haven't been able to get to the bathrooms to clean them often enough.

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm just a slob, but I'd be thrilled. Unfortunately/fortunately, I don't have anyone in my life with this extreme boundary crossing issues.

My in laws did show up with a bunch of stuff (towels, floor mat, *fuzzy toilet seat cover*, ugly picture) that they wanted us to put in the powder room because it's apparently not fixed to their liking. We threw the towels in the linen closet and the rest in the basement. Nah.

[Anonymous]

Your mother-in-law did not sneak into your house. Your sister-in-law is living with you and she let her mother into her house where she is also living. If you don’t want your mother-in-law coming into your house when you’re not home then you need to make other arrangements for your sister-in-law. As long as your sister-in-law is living there it is also her home and she is able to have people in the house.

[Anonymous]

Say thank you and move on. Sounds like you're looking for an issue where none really exists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change my locks and kick SIL out.

But then who will watch the kids? doubt OP would have allowed SIL to stay this long if she wasn’t useful in any way

I skimmed through the responses and don't see anything about SIL watching the kids. In any case, SIL is home-bound, so she doesn't sound like she should be in charge of watching the kids if she is.

I stand by my opinion that SIL needs to move and new locks and keys are the only thing that will help maintain boundaries in this situation.

I do question OP's judgment for having yet another kid in this type of family situation (both parents working hard-core, no additional family help, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Change my locks and kick SIL out.

But then who will watch the kids? doubt OP would have allowed SIL to stay this long if she wasn’t useful in any way

I skimmed through the responses and don't see anything about SIL watching the kids. In any case, SIL is home-bound, so she doesn't sound like she should be in charge of watching the kids if she is.

I stand by my opinion that SIL needs to move and new locks and keys are the only thing that will help maintain boundaries in this situation.

I do question OP's judgment for having yet another kid in this type of family situation (both parents working hard-core, no additional family help, etc.).

+1

SIL needs to move out and you need to change the locks.

[Anonymous]

I'd get a door lock that you can program so that MIL needs to give you notice and you give her a code to enter the house. Make up an excuse why you need it.

[Anonymous]

I would guess that MIL is thinking a few things:
1) At some barely acknowledged level, feels guilty that her own daughter is not allowed to stay with her.
2) To assuage some of that guilt, she will clean to "help" out.
3) All of this comes together in a way that suits her (which is the only way she deals) in that she can justify being in the house and snooping under the guise of her HELPING.

She is justifying both the selfishness of not letting her daughter stay with her AND snooping on son and DIL all in one self-serving swoop.

[Anonymous]

I’d be embarrassed my house was so messy she needed to. Then I’d be grateful and says thanks and try to keep it cleaner going forward. It’s hard when you’re busy—maybe consolidate birthday dinners to one in the future. Each kid can still have their own cake.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it never would have occurred to me that someone would be upset if their family member cleaned their house. I did this for my brother and SIL when they had their last baby - I got in from out of town and their house really needed to be cleaned so I did it while they discharged from the hospital.

And, who really remembers how people had their pillows on the couch so they can put them back exactly as they found them.

[Anonymous]

I'd hate if MIL did this without asking. I don't want her going through our things, which is pretty inevitable if you weren't expecting a cleaner to be in your house. We put bills/other papers and personal items away in drawers or closets when the cleaners are scheduled. I might be tempted to leave out the sex toys in case MIL decided to do it again. She probably wouldn't try it after that!

[Anonymous]

Honestly, it never would have occurred to me that someone would be upset if their family member cleaned their house. I did this for my brother and SIL when they had their last baby - I got in from out of town and their house really needed to be cleaned so I did it while they discharged from the hospital.

And, who really remembers how people had their pillows on the couch so they can put them back exactly as they found them.

Whoaa you have boundary problems if you don't understand why this is a problem. Its one thing if you are an invited guest and you clean up the kitchen, put the dishes away or something simple. It is 100% different if you let yourself uninvited and clean the whole house.

Relatives need to realize that their relative's house is NOT their home. They are guests and should a.) never enter unless invited or given permission b.) be respectful as if you were at a friend's house and c.) leave in a timely manner as you would at a friend's house.

[Anonymous]

she absolutely crossed a boundary. for all of you saying "i'd be happy," i guess you don't have intrusive in-laws. you're lucky. you don't walk into somebody's house, unannounced and go through someone's thing's/"cleaning". it's rude.

[Anonymous]

Did she move stuff around?

A family member staying with us decided to “clean” one day to be nice. She reorganized and moved things around so we couldn’t find anything. It ended up being the opposite of helpful and frustrating.