If your MIL snuck into your house and cleaned it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband knows it is so bizarre but he is a nice guy who loves his bizarre mother and it really hurts him when I freak out about these things.

But I probably will freak out anyway. It’s bad enough that my sister in-law has been a semi permanent house guest. And yes, mil cut off her own too... wouldn’t even see her, let alone let her stay for weeks and months. Meanwhile, nobody has ever spent the night with mil, due to her “trouble sleeping.” She’s on very shaky terms with her family.

She rearranged the pillows on my couches and everything.



Outed yourself too soon, troll.

I swear that I am not a troll.

She honestly did. That’s the first thing I noticed.

Wait, how can you guys tell it’s a troll? I’m so confused. Haha

[Anonymous]

Do you mean like the kitchen and family areas? If we were at my MIL or mother's house, I would help out those areas if I saw no one had gotten a chance to get to it yet. I'm sure either my MIL or my mother would do the same thing at my house. Dishes in the sink, full dishwasher or used dishes/other stuff in the family room - anyone would put that stuff away just as a matter of course and it wouldn't be a big deal. Even vacuuming or mopping floors, I could see any family member taking care of that if they thought it was needed and they had the time and inclination to take care of it. Things like rearranging bedroom closets, or cleaning in the master bedroom/bathroom - that's more personal and more objectionable.
Rearranging pillows? That does not count as cleaning and is a very weird thing for you to care about or feel violated by.

[Anonymous]

Meh- I would be slightly annoyed and thrilled. My thrill for a clean house would outweigh my annoyance. If your SIL is sick did she start just helping her and then just kept going and cleaned everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband knows it is so bizarre but he is a nice guy who loves his bizarre mother and it really hurts him when I freak out about these things.

But I probably will freak out anyway. It’s bad enough that my sister in-law has been a semi permanent house guest. And yes, mil cut off her own too... wouldn’t even see her, let alone let her stay for weeks and months. Meanwhile, nobody has ever spent the night with mil, due to her “trouble sleeping.” She’s on very shaky terms with her family.

She rearranged the pillows on my couches and everything.



Outed yourself too soon, troll.

I swear that I am not a troll.

She honestly did. That’s the first thing I noticed.

Wait, how can you guys tell it’s a troll? I’m so confused. Haha

Because OP is furious at her MIL for cleaning her house... and indeed many people would be uncomfortable with that, however OP cites rearranging pillows on a couch as the standout example.

Hmmm.

Not exactly high crimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean like the kitchen and family areas? If we were at my MIL or mother's house, I would help out those areas if I saw no one had gotten a chance to get to it yet. I'm sure either my MIL or my mother would do the same thing at my house. Dishes in the sink, full dishwasher or used dishes/other stuff in the family room - anyone would put that stuff away just as a matter of course and it wouldn't be a big deal. Even vacuuming or mopping floors, I could see any family member taking care of that if they thought it was needed and they had the time and inclination to take care of it. Things like rearranging bedroom closets, or cleaning in the master bedroom/bathroom - that's more personal and more objectionable.
Rearranging pillows? That does not count as cleaning and is a very weird thing for you to care about or feel violated by.

By "family areas", I meant the areas in the house where everyone is hanging out, e.g., family or living room, kitchen, dining room. Yes, everyone can feel free to straighten or clean those areas. But more private space like master bedroom or bath, no one but us is ever in there and you shouldn't invite yourself in when no one is home. That's where you might find the sex toys or birth control or embarrassing medications, so obviously more personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...how would you react?

My sister in law has been staying with us on and off for a year and a half due to health issues. My mother in law has major, major boundary issues, which is why my sister in law doesn’t stay with her. It’s been a problem because my sil’s presence gives mil freedom to drop by whenever.

Also background: mil cut off her own in laws from their only grandkids permanently when DH was a kid so that’s her approach. And yes, she divorced her husband too many years later. She is a control freak who will not allow most people in her house, or any changes to her routine.

I am 7 months pregnant and working like a demon, as is my husband. My three kids also all had birthdays this week and I had small family parties for all of them, which mil attended, as well as an unavoidable dinner for another couple last night. The house...could be cleaner after four big dinner events in a row. After working all this Sunday morning, DH and I took kids to church, lunch and a museum.

When we got home at dinner, I noticed that the house looked...strangely better? I asked sil and she said that mil has come in and cleaned.

I know that this was probably supposed to be nice, but I am furious at the underlying judgement and the fact that she was as usual in my house while I’m gone, f-ing around with my stuff. Yes, I know my house is messy (but it’s not unsanitary or anything -/ I have a weekly cleaning lady).

What would you do?

What day of the week does your weekly housecleaner come?

[Anonymous]

If your SIL feels comfortable enough letting MIL to clean the house, then SIL should move in with MIL. Problem solved.

You’re a saint for hosting your SIL for so long while pregnant and with little kids. Time to take care of you. Your husband needs to stand up for you - and if he won’t, you need to do it! And do it before the baby is born. It sounds like you’ve had it with ILs ignoring boundaries and invading your space. It’s okay to say ENOUGH!

You don’t have to be a doormat just to make your husband happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...how would you react?

My sister in law has been staying with us on and off for a year and a half due to health issues. My mother in law has major, major boundary issues, which is why my sister in law doesn’t stay with her. It’s been a problem because my sil’s presence gives mil freedom to drop by whenever.

Also background: mil cut off her own in laws from their only grandkids permanently when DH was a kid so that’s her approach. And yes, she divorced her husband too many years later. She is a control freak who will not allow most people in her house, or any changes to her routine.

I am 7 months pregnant and working like a demon, as is my husband. My three kids also all had birthdays this week and I had small family parties for all of them, which mil attended, as well as an unavoidable dinner for another couple last night. The house...could be cleaner after four big dinner events in a row. After working all this Sunday morning, DH and I took kids to church, lunch and a museum.

When we got home at dinner, I noticed that the house looked...strangely better? I asked sil and she said that mil has come in and cleaned.

I know that this was probably supposed to be nice, but I am furious at the underlying judgement and the fact that she was as usual in my house while I’m gone, f-ing around with my stuff. Yes, I know my house is messy (but it’s not unsanitary or anything -/ I have a weekly cleaning lady).

What would you do?

What day of the week does your weekly housecleaner come?

She comes on Wednesdays. I had kid parties on wed and fri night and more guests Saturday.

Yes, I actually was most offended by the pillows! I get what you are saying but I saw that as her exerting her control freak ways on my house and an exercise of aesthetic judgement/ power. She is the kind of person who will obsess over a pillow or picture placement for...years. Things “bother” her.

I had no idea she would be inside my house today. But she was clearly here, without permission, for hours.

I mean... I feel like it should speak volumes to everybody that my sil would rather stay with me and my three going on four grubby brats rather than stay with her own mother three miles away, who has more rooms and bathrooms. It’s because mil wants to control when sil goes to bed, wakes up, uses her cell phone (not permitted in the house) etc.

[Anonymous]

Anyone is welcome in my house to clean at any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...how would you react?

My sister in law has been staying with us on and off for a year and a half due to health issues. My mother in law has major, major boundary issues, which is why my sister in law doesn’t stay with her. It’s been a problem because my sil’s presence gives mil freedom to drop by whenever.

Also background: mil cut off her own in laws from their only grandkids permanently when DH was a kid so that’s her approach. And yes, she divorced her husband too many years later. She is a control freak who will not allow most people in her house, or any changes to her routine.

I am 7 months pregnant and working like a demon, as is my husband. My three kids also all had birthdays this week and I had small family parties for all of them, which mil attended, as well as an unavoidable dinner for another couple last night. The house...could be cleaner after four big dinner events in a row. After working all this Sunday morning, DH and I took kids to church, lunch and a museum.

When we got home at dinner, I noticed that the house looked...strangely better? I asked sil and she said that mil has come in and cleaned.

I know that this was probably supposed to be nice, but I am furious at the underlying judgement and the fact that she was as usual in my house while I’m gone, f-ing around with my stuff. Yes, I know my house is messy (but it’s not unsanitary or anything -/ I have a weekly cleaning lady).

What would you do?

What day of the week does your weekly housecleaner come?

She comes on Wednesdays. I had kid parties on wed and fri night and more guests Saturday.

Yes, I actually was most offended by the pillows! I get what you are saying but I saw that as her exerting her control freak ways on my house and an exercise of aesthetic judgement/ power. She is the kind of person who will obsess over a pillow or picture placement for...years. Things “bother” her.

I had no idea she would be inside my house today. But she was clearly here, without permission, for hours.

I mean... I feel like it should speak volumes to everybody that my sil would rather stay with me and my three going on four grubby brats rather than stay with her own mother three miles away, who has more rooms and bathrooms. It’s because mil wants to control when sil goes to bed, wakes up, uses her cell phone (not permitted in the house) etc.

Was your SIL there and was your MIL there with her knowledge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your SIL feels comfortable enough letting MIL to clean the house, then SIL should move in with MIL. Problem solved.

You’re a saint for hosting your SIL for so long while pregnant and with little kids. Time to take care of you. Your husband needs to stand up for you - and if he won’t, you need to do it! And do it before the baby is born. It sounds like you’ve had it with ILs ignoring boundaries and invading your space. It’s okay to say ENOUGH!

You don’t have to be a doormat just to make your husband happy.

Thank you so much. I’m on the verge of tears. I put in the stuff about her own in-law history because I feel like it is so telling, and people here are always being accused of being unfair to their Mils — she was a true beast to hers. I, on the other hand, wouldn’t cut off my in laws unless I thought they were axe murderers but I wish it was an option sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...how would you react?

My sister in law has been staying with us on and off for a year and a half due to health issues. My mother in law has major, major boundary issues, which is why my sister in law doesn’t stay with her. It’s been a problem because my sil’s presence gives mil freedom to drop by whenever.

Also background: mil cut off her own in laws from their only grandkids permanently when DH was a kid so that’s her approach. And yes, she divorced her husband too many years later. She is a control freak who will not allow most people in her house, or any changes to her routine.

I am 7 months pregnant and working like a demon, as is my husband. My three kids also all had birthdays this week and I had small family parties for all of them, which mil attended, as well as an unavoidable dinner for another couple last night. The house...could be cleaner after four big dinner events in a row. After working all this Sunday morning, DH and I took kids to church, lunch and a museum.

When we got home at dinner, I noticed that the house looked...strangely better? I asked sil and she said that mil has come in and cleaned.

I know that this was probably supposed to be nice, but I am furious at the underlying judgement and the fact that she was as usual in my house while I’m gone, f-ing around with my stuff. Yes, I know my house is messy (but it’s not unsanitary or anything -/ I have a weekly cleaning lady).

What would you do?

What day of the week does your weekly housecleaner come?

She comes on Wednesdays. I had kid parties on wed and fri night and more guests Saturday.

Yes, I actually was most offended by the pillows! I get what you are saying but I saw that as her exerting her control freak ways on my house and an exercise of aesthetic judgement/ power. She is the kind of person who will obsess over a pillow or picture placement for...years. Things “bother” her.

I had no idea she would be inside my house today. But she was clearly here, without permission, for hours.

I mean... I feel like it should speak volumes to everybody that my sil would rather stay with me and my three going on four grubby brats rather than stay with her own mother three miles away, who has more rooms and bathrooms. It’s because mil wants to control when sil goes to bed, wakes up, uses her cell phone (not permitted in the house) etc.

Was your SIL there and was your MIL there with her knowledge?

Yes. Sil is unable to drive so mother in law comes over, to drive her or to visit. I feel like I can’t say no to this but it just opens such a Pandora’s box. Before sil was here we had to work extensively with mil about barging in uninvited. Maybe especially because I haven’t given her a key to the house, she is just wild to get inside to sink her claws into all of our lives if I’m not there to stop her.

[Anonymous]

OP - Seriously, you need therapy. You are heavily pregnant, obviously stressed by trying to do too much this week and you freak out because your MIL wants to come help clean up after the exhausting round of entertaining and surprise you with a treat?? Most people don't obsess so much over the placement of their couch pillows. Tell her thank you, wait until she leaves and then move the pillows. You are willing to let a stranger come in and clean, but are "on the verge of tears" when a family member does the same thing.

This is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean like the kitchen and family areas? If we were at my MIL or mother's house, I would help out those areas if I saw no one had gotten a chance to get to it yet. I'm sure either my MIL or my mother would do the same thing at my house. Dishes in the sink, full dishwasher or used dishes/other stuff in the family room - anyone would put that stuff away just as a matter of course and it wouldn't be a big deal. Even vacuuming or mopping floors, I could see any family member taking care of that if they thought it was needed and they had the time and inclination to take care of it. Things like rearranging bedroom closets, or cleaning in the master bedroom/bathroom - that's more personal and more objectionable.
Rearranging pillows? That does not count as cleaning and is a very weird thing for you to care about or feel violated by.

By "family areas", I meant the areas in the house where everyone is hanging out, e.g., family or living room, kitchen, dining room. Yes, everyone can feel free to straighten or clean those areas. But more private space like master bedroom or bath, no one but us is ever in there and you shouldn't invite yourself in when no one is home. That's where you might find the sex toys or birth control or embarrassing medications, so obviously more personal.

Agree 100%! I am a private person and would be mildly annoyed by having my MIL clean the common areas but I’d get over it. But the master bedroom/bath or office? That is over the line IMO. They don’t go in those rooms at our house unless needed, and we do not at theirs either. I feel like this is understood so I would feel quite violated..

I’d thank MIL and then change the locks TBH.

[Anonymous]

Why do people not lock their doors?