Sad topic but need advice: Shower for mother who has lost a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about a low key/modest luncheon at a restaurant- invitation should be noldedto say "No gifts please".

I assume the friends and family who would attend said luncheon are close enough to know about the loss.

Ahh, yes. Just what everyone who has specifically declined a celebration wants. A PUBLIC celebration!
I don't quite get why this is so hard for people, OP asked, her friend answered. She doesn't want a shower or a sprinkle or a brunch without gifts.
Sorry if that means people don't get to show how "over the moon" they are but, newsflash, this baby isn't about them!

The difference is you are celebrating a life, a baby, a happy time no matter if it is baby #1, #2, #3, +.

It is obvious it isnt a gift grab since the invite specifies "no gifts".

I mentioned nothing about etiquette or a "gift grab". OPs friend has made her wishes clear, and her wishes are for NO celebration, gifts or not.
Jesus, people are so damn entitled when it comes to other people's babies. Celebrate on your own if it's that important, but leave the anxious and possibly still grieving mother out of it.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

I hate showers and refused them for my pregnancies.

Given the signals she's given you, please DO NOT celebrate this pregnancy until the baby is there.

Take her out to lunch, give her a gift. Or you can ALL take her out to lunch, but in that case don't make too showery by all giving her gifts at the same time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I hate showers and refused them for my pregnancies.

Given the signals she's given you, please DO NOT celebrate this pregnancy until the baby is there.

Take her out to lunch, give her a gift. Or you can ALL take her out to lunch, but in that case don't make too showery by all giving her gifts at the same time!

Gasp! Apparently, you can't do that since this same suggestion was already mentioned up-post at least 2x and was promptly shot down as the worst possible thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious Op - would have offered a baby shower regardless if her first child passed away?

That's called a sprinkle. DCUM hates them but - gasp - people do have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How completely self involved and tone deaf do you have to be to say "she said no. But I feel like I should still do something" ?

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree with the other PP.

She needs to be able to celebrate this new life, without the shadow of her prior loss on every single moment, every item of clothing/gear/etc. Ask her if it would be alright if you threw a Sprinkle and it was a nice dinner out or night somewhere fun/different.

She.
Already.
Asked.
And.
The.
Friend.
Said.
N-O.

What part of that aren't you getting, here?

YOU don't get to decide. OP doesn't get to decide. Only the parents get to decide. Grow up and learn to respect the wishes of others.

NP here. Maybe the friends could organize a meal train or, better yet, send a restaurant gift card basket with something small like a board book or a onesie in it + the gift card. Not technically a sprinkle or a shower but it would be a way to quietly acknowledge and celebrate this new little life.

[Anonymous]

^And, yes, it would be done AFTER the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

OP more than likely she's wary. She lost her first child and its hard to trust that this time will be different. I would get her a gift for the new baby and lend an ear.

I am pretty shocked at the meaness of so many PPs here. This is not a straight forward question as the death of the first born complicates the situation. She may be saying yes but is still struggling. Sounds like OP is worried that honoring her wishes may also be embracing her fears and her friend just is afraid to hope.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't actually tell from your initial post if you asked about a celebration or just whether she needed things. If you didn't ask about a celebration specifically, maybe say "if you're up for a lunch or something with no gifts, we'd love to do that for you but we also totally understand if you don't want to." And maybe say it in writing - and then understand if she doesn't want to. If you think your offer already covered a celebration, don't do anything. I agree with others who said focus your energy on a meal train (or a small gift) once baby arrives or even a first birthday.

As others have shared with you, as someone who had a late stillbirth, in my subsequent pregnancy - I didn't even want to hear "congratulations" until there was a baby in my arms (and I was still wary then). It didn't mean I didn't know others were excited for me, but I found being around their excitement and happiness too much. It felt like they had expectations that I might let down again and totally premature. I can only imagine how your friend feels after losing a 5 mo. As so many others said, let your friend be your guide to being there for her right now - even if that means just talking to her about anything other than being pregnant/baby stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hate showers and refused them for my pregnancies.

Given the signals she's given you, please DO NOT celebrate this pregnancy until the baby is there.

Take her out to lunch, give her a gift. Or you can ALL take her out to lunch, but in that case don't make too showery by all giving her gifts at the same time!

Gasp! Apparently, you can't do that since this same suggestion was already mentioned up-post at least 2x and was promptly shot down as the worst possible thing to do.

It is. Have you ever lost a baby or been close to someone who has? If not, please sit down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can't actually tell from your initial post if you asked about a celebration or just whether she needed things. If you didn't ask about a celebration specifically, maybe say "if you're up for a lunch or something with no gifts, we'd love to do that for you but we also totally understand if you don't want to." And maybe say it in writing - and then understand if she doesn't want to. If you think your offer already covered a celebration, don't do anything. I agree with others who said focus your energy on a meal train (or a small gift) once baby arrives or even a first birthday.

As others have shared with you, as someone who had a late stillbirth, in my subsequent pregnancy - I didn't even want to hear "congratulations" until there was a baby in my arms (and I was still wary then). It didn't mean I didn't know others were excited for me, but I found being around their excitement and happiness too much. It felt like they had expectations that I might let down again and totally premature. I can only imagine how your friend feels after losing a 5 mo. As so many others said, let your friend be your guide to being there for her right now - even if that means just talking to her about anything other than being pregnant/baby stuff.

So incredibly sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others. After you lose a pregnancy later on, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn’t believe my child would be sticking around until they were two months old. I can’t even imagine how this mother feels but no means no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree with the other PP.

She needs to be able to celebrate this new life, without the shadow of her prior loss on every single moment, every item of clothing/gear/etc. Ask her if it would be alright if you threw a Sprinkle and it was a nice dinner out or night somewhere fun/different.

It’s not about what you want, you clueless twit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the others. After you lose a pregnancy later on, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn’t believe my child would be sticking around until they were two months old. I can’t even imagine how this mother feels but no means no.

+1. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, nowhere as devastating as a stillbirth or losing a baby to SID, and even then I am always waiting for something bad to happen. Perhaps, it's superstition, but I didn't want to celebrate "too much."

If she has said no, please honor her wish. Do something nice AFTER the baby arrives.