Sad topic but need advice: Shower for mother who has lost a baby

[Anonymous]

My close friend lost her 5 mo to SIDS a few years back. She is now expecting again and we haven't planned a shower/sprinkle or anything. We are all being sensitive to the situation, at the risk of being too handsoff. When I ask her if she would like/need anything for the baby, she says that they have all the gear from her first child and have no need for other things.

Does anyone have any tips for how to navigate this? I don't want to force celebration when she prefers a more calm support, but also want to make sure she knows we are over the moon happy for her even if we aren't throwing parties.

[Anonymous]

As discussed in the other thread, you don't get a shower for second and subsequent babies. She's told you that she doesn't need stuff. Respect her wishes. You can be over the moon happy for her without throwing a shower. She might still have PTSD about losing her first. She probably won't be able to relax for a long time with this baby.

[Anonymous]

Uh, when you asked what she needed, SHE TOLD YOU what she wants and needs: nothing. Asked and answered. You may not like or "agree with" the answer, but it's not about you and what you want, or about what you think she should want and need.

LISTEN to your friend.

For now, ask how she's feeling, and simply tell her you are excited! Offer to stock her freezer or pay for a cleaning service in advance if that would be helpful. But if she says no, respect that.

When this child is born, send flowers or a box of Harry and David treats or something.

[Anonymous]

She said she doesn’t need anything so back off. No shower.

[Anonymous]

Definitely don't throw a shower. Your feelings about her pregnancy are pretty irrelevant. She may have all kinds of conflicted feelings and doesn't need to hear your 'over the moon' personal feelings.

If she has everything she needs, believe her. After the baby is born, do what you usually do and send a gift or card or food etc.

There is no need to make this about the child she lost. Just let it be about this child.

[Anonymous]

I completely disagree with the other PP.

She needs to be able to celebrate this new life, without the shadow of her prior loss on every single moment, every item of clothing/gear/etc. Ask her if it would be alright if you threw a Sprinkle and it was a nice dinner out or night somewhere fun/different.

[Anonymous]

No shower

[Anonymous]

Follow her lead. I would not throw another shower, acting like this is her first baby.

If you want her to know how over the moon you are, be there for her. Also acknowledge that her experience this time around is going to be less "aww cute socks" and more sheer terror about her baby's health and well being.

So. Ask her how she is and then LISTEN and acknowledge. This may be a very tough year for her, even while celebrating a gorgeous new baby.

[Anonymous]

Wtf OP. Back off. She told you she didn't want anything. I don't get how there is anything else to navigate? Be a good friend and respect her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree with the other PP.

She needs to be able to celebrate this new life, without the shadow of her prior loss on every single moment, every item of clothing/gear/etc. Ask her if it would be alright if you threw a Sprinkle and it was a nice dinner out or night somewhere fun/different.

She.
Already.
Asked.
And.
The.
Friend.
Said.
N-O.

What part of that aren't you getting, here?

YOU don't get to decide. OP doesn't get to decide. Only the parents get to decide. Grow up and learn to respect the wishes of others.

[Anonymous]

Be there for her. She said she doesn't need anything for the baby. Ask her if she would be open/like a lunch with friends. No gifts just a chance to enjoy each other's company.

[Anonymous]

Maybe instead of a shower (with gifts), ask if she'd be open to a celebration lunch for her? Or spa day?

[Anonymous]

My friend group has done ladies outings for expectant moms, even second-time moms. Think mani pedi/blowouts/tea at a fancy hotel or dinner. It's a nice way to celebrate the mom-to-be without a traditional shower or gifts. Another friend's sister threw her a "Mother's Blessing." Google it for more info, but it's just a way to support the mom-to-bed and let her know you're there for her. Something like one of these might be nice, and also different from what she probably had (a shower, I assume?) the first time around. Your friend has been through so much--I can't even imagine. You're sweet to want to support her.

[Anonymous]

You can send a baby gift, including a cute outfit, without a shower. Or next time you see her give her a small gift and say you couldn't resist because you can't wait to meet the baby. Once baby is here, send a card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely disagree with the other PP.

She needs to be able to celebrate this new life, without the shadow of her prior loss on every single moment, every item of clothing/gear/etc. Ask her if it would be alright if you threw a Sprinkle and it was a nice dinner out or night somewhere fun/different.

SHE ALREADY SAID NO!!!!