Sad topic but need advice: Shower for mother who has lost a baby

[Anonymous]

I agree with others - listen first. At some point, ask her if maybe she'd like a small dinner with friends maybe, or something similar. I can't imagine a sprinkle or a shower would be at all something she would want.

[Anonymous]

I’d get her a Target, Amazon, Buy Buy Baby etc. gift card, a nice card, and something for her like a bag of good coffee, a robe or lounge wear, and bring a meal after baby’s born. If she doesn’t want a shower/party that is ok. But you personally can still buy her a gift if you’d like.

[Anonymous]

As the mother of a baby who died, please listen to your friend. It would have been unbearable to have another shower for my subsequent pregnancy. I still have trouble going to baby showers.

Every woman is different, but please respect her choice.

[Anonymous]

How completely self involved and tone deaf do you have to be to say "she said no. But I feel like I should still do something" ?

[Anonymous]

OP, you're a nice person and I think a lot of the posters here are being pretty harsh, even if I agree with their advice. I had a stillbirth myself - and I can't even imagine losing one's 5 month old to SIDS, how terrible - and with my subsequent pregnancy I frankly didn't want to think about being pregnant/having a baby AT ALL until I was at least past the date of loss. I especially didn't want to interact with friends about it, even though I know how loving and well-meaning they all are (as you are). I did not want a baby shower and I am still so grateful my friends, family, and colleagues respected that.

The ideas to do something for your friend as a person, rather than as a mother, are good ones in my opinion. I wouldn't tie it in any way to her pregnancy, honestly. Just being there for her, going out and having a good time at movies, lunch/dinner, mani-pedis, all that seems the way to go to me, for what it's worth.

[Anonymous]

How about a low key/modest luncheon at a restaurant- invitation should be noldedto say "No gifts please".

I assume the friends and family who would attend said luncheon are close enough to know about the loss.

[Anonymous]

Curious Op - would have offered a baby shower regardless if her first child passed away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about a low key/modest luncheon at a restaurant- invitation should be noldedto say "No gifts please".

I assume the friends and family who would attend said luncheon are close enough to know about the loss.

Ahh, yes. Just what everyone who has specifically declined a celebration wants. A PUBLIC celebration!
I don't quite get why this is so hard for people, OP asked, her friend answered. She doesn't want a shower or a sprinkle or a brunch without gifts.
Sorry if that means people don't get to show how "over the moon" they are but, newsflash, this baby isn't about them!

[Anonymous]

I lost a pregnancy late term and am tearing up for your friend, and her situation is much worse than mine. I ended up with a surprise shower that I had to fake enthusiasm for the entire time.

Maybe put your efforts into throwing the upcoming child a fun 1 year bday party?

[Anonymous]

We adopted. I didn't want a shower or stuff till the revocation period was over. We bought what we absolutely needed and everyone got gifts (who knew about our wishes) afterward and we had a welcome home party after that month period. Maybe do a celebration later on even at a year.

[Anonymous]

OP, how about you offer to organize some meals for her?
It's a nice way to do something very useful for anyone, especially someone with a new baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about a low key/modest luncheon at a restaurant- invitation should be noldedto say "No gifts please".

I assume the friends and family who would attend said luncheon are close enough to know about the loss.

Are you stupid or just selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about a low key/modest luncheon at a restaurant- invitation should be noldedto say "No gifts please".

I assume the friends and family who would attend said luncheon are close enough to know about the loss.

Ahh, yes. Just what everyone who has specifically declined a celebration wants. A PUBLIC celebration!
I don't quite get why this is so hard for people, OP asked, her friend answered. She doesn't want a shower or a sprinkle or a brunch without gifts.
Sorry if that means people don't get to show how "over the moon" they are but, newsflash, this baby isn't about them!

The difference is you are celebrating a life, a baby, a happy time no matter if it is baby #1, #2, #3, +.

It is obvious it isnt a gift grab since the invite specifies "no gifts".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about a low key/modest luncheon at a restaurant- invitation should be noldedto say "No gifts please".

I assume the friends and family who would attend said luncheon are close enough to know about the loss.

Ahh, yes. Just what everyone who has specifically declined a celebration wants. A PUBLIC celebration!
I don't quite get why this is so hard for people, OP asked, her friend answered. She doesn't want a shower or a sprinkle or a brunch without gifts.
Sorry if that means people don't get to show how "over the moon" they are but, newsflash, this baby isn't about them!

The difference is you are celebrating a life, a baby, a happy time no matter if it is baby #1, #2, #3, +.

It is obvious it isnt a gift grab since the invite specifies "no gifts".

NO. It isn’t always a happy time. It’s nerve-wracking and stressful. Please don’t be tone deaf like this PP. She doesn’t want anything. Send her some gifts and a heartfelt note and leave it at that. She does not want a public celebration.

[Anonymous]

OP, you asked, they answered. Don't throw the shower. Offer to set up a meal train for after the baby comes, and if she declines, don't do that either. You're doing everything you should by offering support. Please respect the mother's wishes and listen.