Please comment on tonight’s bedtime scene (5yo)

[Anonymous]

If I saw my DH was in a really bad mood, I'd probably discourage him from doing the bedtime routine and ask him to go relax/have a glass of wine (if it would mellow him, not if it made him more cranky), or asked him to find us a movie to watch. But, full disclosure, even when my DH is cranky, he doesn't behave this way, so this is all hypothetical.

[Anonymous]

1. If you are committed to the current bedtime schedule, no, you don’t undermine him. And you had no business telling him to go back in. Asking him what happened and how you could help for next time would have been appropriate.

2. There is nothing abusive about being picked up by a shirt. Your child’s shirt didn’t tear at all, right? And he wasn’t thrown into bed, just put there. Yeah, t was scary, because it sounds like nobody had really enforced boundaries like that before. But it’s not abusive. Talk to someone who was actually abused (mentally, physically and/or emotionally) if you want to make sure.

3. Have a discussion about how you talk to each other. That means not only can you expect him to listen to you about how he talked to you, you need to listen to him about how you’re telling him to parent.

4. Have a family meeting. Each person should explain the night from their perspective. And then work together to make sure it doesn’t happen again. From my point of view, that means making sure DH knows that you can handle bedtime solo if he’s having an awful day (and vice versa), making sure child understands that adults have bad days just like kids and sometimes need a break, and making sure your child knows that bedtime means his bottom better stay on that bed unless he’s running to the bathroom and coming straight back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:id Switch up with dad. Let him do the fun part, read. You do the mean part, “stay in bed now”.

If this is unusual I’d forgive. If a pattern, he’s abusive.

This. You are setting the situation for you to be the "fun parent" and your Dh is the "bad guy." And then you made it even worse by criticizing him (by asking him to go back in.)

Also, 5 is old enough to know when playtime is over and it's time to go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read to 5yo son every night and then my husband comes in and finishes bedtime (15 min). Tonight husband was cranky and when I finished reading he came into the room and was annoyed that 5 yo was wanting to play. He told DC to get in bed and when DC didn’t listen, apparently picked DC up by his pajama shirt and put him in bed. DC started crying. Husband came out of the room angry. If I had gone in husband would say I was undermining him so I said, “can you please go and comfort him?” Husband said, “I will if you get the f&$@ out of my face.”

Please weigh in on how this can be improved. Thank you.

I wouldn’t involve DH in the bedtime routine anymore. If he insists on being part of the bedtime routine in the future try to read his mood before bedtime and on the nights he’s in a bad mood offer to do the routine all yourself. Frame it that you’ve got it tonight so he can relax.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I saw my DH was in a really bad mood, I'd probably discourage him from doing the bedtime routine and ask him to go relax/have a glass of wine (if it would mellow him, not if it made him more cranky), or asked him to find us a movie to watch. But, full disclosure, even when my DH is cranky, he doesn't behave this way, so this is all hypothetical.

OP here. I'm totally happy doing the whole bedtime with DC every night and have told DH that. He insists on doing it the way we have been. He has never liked reading with DC, so if I am out of town he skips that part. He likes lying down next to DC and sometimes falls asleep/takes a short nap. Ever since DC started kindergarten he has had a little burst of energy right before bedtime. He goes to bed on the early side (7:15/7:30pm) so maybe we should push it later.

[Anonymous]

The comments re abuse and divorce are just insane! Not abuse, and no reason to get divorced over a grumpy day! Just try again tonight with more patience all around.

[Anonymous]

DH sounds like a bit of a jackass based on what he said to you, but picking a kid up by his shirt without more (i.e., assuming this didn't result in the kid being strangled or something) is not abuse. WTF?

[Anonymous]

This is straight up abuse. We all have grumpy days but don't take it out on the kids. I can't imagine the parents who are saying this is okay. I'd straight up tell DH never to be mean to the kids like that for no reason. Maybe that DH needs anti depressants or a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I saw my DH was in a really bad mood, I'd probably discourage him from doing the bedtime routine and ask him to go relax/have a glass of wine (if it would mellow him, not if it made him more cranky), or asked him to find us a movie to watch. But, full disclosure, even when my DH is cranky, he doesn't behave this way, so this is all hypothetical.

OP here. I'm totally happy doing the whole bedtime with DC every night and have told DH that. He insists on doing it the way we have been. He has never liked reading with DC, so if I am out of town he skips that part. He likes lying down next to DC and sometimes falls asleep/takes a short nap. Ever since DC started kindergarten he has had a little burst of energy right before bedtime. He goes to bed on the early side (7:15/7:30pm) so maybe we should push it later.

What kind of dad doesn't like reading to his kids?! Maybe he needs to read up on the importance. Reading to your kids is the #1 indicator for success. It's so important to have two involved parents who love reading.

[Anonymous]

You must stand up to your husband now, otherwise, what you experienced will continue and intensify. Guess what? Kids get more annoying as they grow up. Soon you'll be bending over backward to avoid confrontation. Soon you'll be taking on more and more of the parenting work yourself in hopes of avoiding stuff like what happened at bedtime. No ok. Tell him you have to talk about what happened and tell him in no uncertain terms that it was not ok...not OK to get physical with your son and not ok to spit expletives in your face. You won't stand or stay for it. You get tough now, or it will repeat and get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no amount of annoyance that would make my husband talk to me that way. Or vice versa.

Kid is fine. You have a bum husband.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are so many poorly behaved, entitled kids now. Picking up a child by their shirt and putting them back into bed isn't physically abusing a kid. The dad can't win. If he had grabbed the kid by the arms and the kid struggled against him he could have left a slight redness or bruise.

To characterize this as abuse is absurd.

Agree. I don’t agree with spouses using the F word at each other but he did nothing wrong to the child and no one needs to apologize. Bedtime is not playtime. Period.

I agree. Some nights are tough and by bedtime you just don't have another 15 minutes in you. I think the scene with the child as described is fine. However, the cursing is really troubling and that makes me wonder, OP, if you husband acts out in anger a lot? I agree with the pp who said that only you know if this is an occasionally grumpy parent or a man with a serious anger problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is straight up abuse. We all have grumpy days but don't take it out on the kids. I can't imagine the parents who are saying this is okay. I'd straight up tell DH never to be mean to the kids like that for no reason. Maybe that DH needs anti depressants or a therapist.

You have literally never snapped at your kid when they were overexcited at bedtime? I go camping with a bunch of families, including some who have very gentle parenting philosophies and I have seen everyone snap at their kids at one point or another and most of them physically move their kids to the location where they need to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is straight up abuse. We all have grumpy days but don't take it out on the kids. I can't imagine the parents who are saying this is okay. I'd straight up tell DH never to be mean to the kids like that for no reason. Maybe that DH needs anti depressants or a therapist.

From OP's description he didn't take anything out on the kid. It was time for bed, kid was being a spoiled brat. OP wanted to accommodate the brat behavior.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how you pick up a kid by the shirt?