Please comment on tonight’s bedtime scene (5yo)

[Anonymous]

The child was likely crying due to being put in bed instead of beig allowed to play as he wanted. That is fine, an appropriate reason for a 5 year old to feel upset, especially if mom doesn't normally enforce bedtime.

Bedtime routines should be consistent. If you read as then lights out, your child shouldn't get back up to play. Unless play is part of the bedtime routine, then you should have put him right back in bed. Also don't have both parents in the room at the same time. One parent does there thing and then the other parent goes in and does their thing. Two parents trying to do a bedtime routine together is too much.

And picking your child up and putting them in bed is not abuse. No idea what planet people who say it is live on.

[Anonymous]

People are reading a lot into this. Though it does seem there is more to the issue. Does your husband normally act like that?

I would have told my husband to never speak to me like that again.

OP says dh normally lays with ds for a bit. This time ds wasn't listening and dh wasn't in the mood for it.

[Anonymous]

It is okay for your child to cry when they are disappointed with the consequences of their actions. When he refused to get back into bed, I would have given him once more chance. After that I would say "You know better and are not listening. We will try again tomorrow. Love you. Goodnight." I would then walk out and not go back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The child was likely crying due to being put in bed instead of beig allowed to play as he wanted. That is fine, an appropriate reason for a 5 year old to feel upset, especially if mom doesn't normally enforce bedtime.

Bedtime routines should be consistent. If you read as then lights out, your child shouldn't get back up to play. Unless play is part of the bedtime routine, then you should have put him right back in bed. Also don't have both parents in the room at the same time. One parent does there thing and then the other parent goes in and does their thing. Two parents trying to do a bedtime routine together is too much.

And picking your child up and putting them in bed is not abuse. No idea what planet people who say it is live on.

Again, picking someone up by their clothes is on a different level though. There's literally no reason to do that other than you're mad, and you want to show it. Not sure why some posters are having so much trouble grasping this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are so many poorly behaved, entitled kids now. Picking up a child by their shirt and putting them back into bed isn't physically abusing a kid. The dad can't win. If he had grabbed the kid by the arms and the kid struggled against him he could have left a slight redness or bruise.

To characterize this as abuse is absurd.

Its coupled with the way hes talking to mom that makes it sound abusive. It is hard to tell from this anecdote whether the guy was having a bad night or if hes abusive, op hasn't provided any other info.

Splitting bedtime in half seems idiotic and like a recipe for winding the kid up and encouraging him to pit the parents against each other. Alternate nights and dont micro manage how the other parent parents.

I almost never intervene with my husbands parenting even when it is a little harsher than I would do myself. I think it's good for them to have different influences, and I am frequently too lenient so we balance well. But when I have intervened DH takes it really seriously as a result. Conversely when he tells me I need to take something more seriously I also really take it in. But constant nit picking isnt the way to go and tempers will always be high in the middle of the event.

[Anonymous]

How to improve? Get a new husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If I saw my DH was in a really bad mood, I'd probably discourage him from doing the bedtime routine and ask him to go relax/have a glass of wine (if it would mellow him, not if it made him more cranky), or asked him to find us a movie to watch. But, full disclosure, even when my DH is cranky, he doesn't behave this way, so this is all hypothetical.

OP here. I'm totally happy doing the whole bedtime with DC every night and have told DH that. He insists on doing it the way we have been. He has never liked reading with DC, so if I am out of town he skips that part. He likes lying down next to DC and sometimes falls asleep/takes a short nap. Ever since DC started kindergarten he has had a little burst of energy right before bedtime. He goes to bed on the early side (7:15/7:30pm) so maybe we should push it later.

What kind of dad doesn't like reading to his kids?! Maybe he needs to read up on the importance. Reading to your kids is the #1 indicator for success. It's so important to have two involved parents who love reading.

Lots of dads don’t read to kids. They’re typically better with physical activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is straight up abuse. We all have grumpy days but don't take it out on the kids. I can't imagine the parents who are saying this is okay. I'd straight up tell DH never to be mean to the kids like that for no reason. Maybe that DH needs anti depressants or a therapist.

You have literally never snapped at your kid when they were overexcited at bedtime? I go camping with a bunch of families, including some who have very gentle parenting philosophies and I have seen everyone snap at their kids at one point or another and most of them physically move their kids to the location where they need to be.

To me, picking a kid up by their clothes, which makes their clothes dig in and is physically uncomfortable, is totally different from picking them up under the arms or something and putting them in bed. I don't have any problem with the latter.

He was in the bedroom and put the child in the bed. At most, the clothes "dug in" and were "physically uncomfortable" for 3 seconds or less.

Yes, but as a parent, I don't do things that cause pain to my kid without a good reason. Grab a shirt to pull a kid back from ongoing traffic? Sure. But there are better ways to pick up a 5 year old and they are easy to use.

He was angry. I’d much rather that an angry man pick up a kid by a shirt (which won’t scream if he squeezes) vs pick up the child under the arms or by his arms (easy to squeeze without realizing).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is straight up abuse. We all have grumpy days but don't take it out on the kids. I can't imagine the parents who are saying this is okay. I'd straight up tell DH never to be mean to the kids like that for no reason. Maybe that DH needs anti depressants or a therapist.

You have literally never snapped at your kid when they were overexcited at bedtime? I go camping with a bunch of families, including some who have very gentle parenting philosophies and I have seen everyone snap at their kids at one point or another and most of them physically move their kids to the location where they need to be.

To me, picking a kid up by their clothes, which makes their clothes dig in and is physically uncomfortable, is totally different from picking them up under the arms or something and putting them in bed. I don't have any problem with the latter.

He was in the bedroom and put the child in the bed. At most, the clothes "dug in" and were "physically uncomfortable" for 3 seconds or less.

Yes, but as a parent, I don't do things that cause pain to my kid without a good reason. Grab a shirt to pull a kid back from ongoing traffic? Sure. But there are better ways to pick up a 5 year old and they are easy to use.

Well, you (or whoever wrote that) didn't say "pain"--you said "uncomfortable."
I agree with some previous posters that I'm not 100% certain of what ""picking up by the shirt" entails. Maybe what I am envisioning is different than what actually happened.

But from OP's description, I am under the impression that OP often allows her kid to act like a brat, and her Dh was finally just fed up. When he finally put his foot down, OP proceeded to make it worse by asking him to "comfort" the boy who didn't get his way for the first time ever.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The child was likely crying due to being put in bed instead of beig allowed to play as he wanted. That is fine, an appropriate reason for a 5 year old to feel upset, especially if mom doesn't normally enforce bedtime.

Bedtime routines should be consistent. If you read as then lights out, your child shouldn't get back up to play. Unless play is part of the bedtime routine, then you should have put him right back in bed. Also don't have both parents in the room at the same time. One parent does there thing and then the other parent goes in and does their thing. Two parents trying to do a bedtime routine together is too much.

And picking your child up and putting them in bed is not abuse. No idea what planet people who say it is live on.

Again, picking someone up by their clothes is on a different level though. There's literally no reason to do that other than you're mad, and you want to show it. Not sure why some posters are having so much trouble grasping this.

Because it’s bedtime, kid isn’t listening and parent is enforcing the boundaries? Criminetly, he didn’t hurt the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The child was likely crying due to being put in bed instead of beig allowed to play as he wanted. That is fine, an appropriate reason for a 5 year old to feel upset, especially if mom doesn't normally enforce bedtime.

Bedtime routines should be consistent. If you read as then lights out, your child shouldn't get back up to play. Unless play is part of the bedtime routine, then you should have put him right back in bed. Also don't have both parents in the room at the same time. One parent does there thing and then the other parent goes in and does their thing. Two parents trying to do a bedtime routine together is too much.

And picking your child up and putting them in bed is not abuse. No idea what planet people who say it is live on.

Again, picking someone up by their clothes is on a different level though. There's literally no reason to do that other than you're mad, and you want to show it. Not sure why some posters are having so much trouble grasping this.

It really isn't. Go pick up your kid by their clothes sometime. They will probably think it is fun. There was a viral video recently of a dad carrying his kid by her jacket like a duffel bag. I am sure a few people screamed abuse like you are but most say that it was just in fun - even though - gasp - it was by her clothes. We have no idea who he picked him up. His kid was being disobedient and defiant. Dad was annoyed, and let kid know and put him in bed. Good parenting. It isn't abuse to parent your child.

[Anonymous]

7:15 is probably too early for bed for a 5 year old. Maybe move it to start the routine at 7:45.

Your DH sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The child was likely crying due to being put in bed instead of beig allowed to play as he wanted. That is fine, an appropriate reason for a 5 year old to feel upset, especially if mom doesn't normally enforce bedtime.

Bedtime routines should be consistent. If you read as then lights out, your child shouldn't get back up to play. Unless play is part of the bedtime routine, then you should have put him right back in bed. Also don't have both parents in the room at the same time. One parent does there thing and then the other parent goes in and does their thing. Two parents trying to do a bedtime routine together is too much.

And picking your child up and putting them in bed is not abuse. No idea what planet people who say it is live on.

Again, picking someone up by their clothes is on a different level though. There's literally no reason to do that other than you're mad, and you want to show it. Not sure why some posters are having so much trouble grasping this.

It really isn't. Go pick up your kid by their clothes sometime. They will probably think it is fun. There was a viral video recently of a dad carrying his kid by her jacket like a duffel bag. I am sure a few people screamed abuse like you are but most say that it was just in fun - even though - gasp - it was by her clothes. We have no idea who he picked him up. His kid was being disobedient and defiant. Dad was annoyed, and let kid know and put him in bed. Good parenting. It isn't abuse to parent your child.

In this case yeah it kind of is, no matter what funny video was on YouTube or whatever. I believe you may be confusing me with a different poster though, I have not "screamed" or mentioned abuse. My parents would have likely followed up the clothes picking up thing by hitting me repeatedly with an object, that I feel comfortable calling abuse. Not this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The child was likely crying due to being put in bed instead of beig allowed to play as he wanted. That is fine, an appropriate reason for a 5 year old to feel upset, especially if mom doesn't normally enforce bedtime.

Bedtime routines should be consistent. If you read as then lights out, your child shouldn't get back up to play. Unless play is part of the bedtime routine, then you should have put him right back in bed. Also don't have both parents in the room at the same time. One parent does there thing and then the other parent goes in and does their thing. Two parents trying to do a bedtime routine together is too much.

And picking your child up and putting them in bed is not abuse. No idea what planet people who say it is live on.

Again, picking someone up by their clothes is on a different level though. There's literally no reason to do that other than you're mad, and you want to show it. Not sure why some posters are having so much trouble grasping this.

It really isn't. Go pick up your kid by their clothes sometime. They will probably think it is fun. There was a viral video recently of a dad carrying his kid by her jacket like a duffel bag. I am sure a few people screamed abuse like you are but most say that it was just in fun - even though - gasp - it was by her clothes. We have no idea who he picked him up. His kid was being disobedient and defiant. Dad was annoyed, and let kid know and put him in bed. Good parenting. It isn't abuse to parent your child.

In this case yeah it kind of is, no matter what funny video was on YouTube or whatever. I believe you may be confusing me with a different poster though, I have not "screamed" or mentioned abuse. My parents would have likely followed up the clothes picking up thing by hitting me repeatedly with an object, that I feel comfortable calling abuse. Not this.

+1

DCUM screams abuse so easily. Try this on for size: Is the child mentally, emotionally or physically damaged in any way? (Crying for getting in trouble is not damage, fyi.) If so, it’s abuse.