A miscarriage when you have children isn’t the same as one when you don’t!

[Anonymous]

You might be framing it the wrong way. I’m one of those people with lots of experience with miscarriage. Had a few in the seven years it took me to have my first live birth and had a few in between my other two live births.

I think that a FIRST miscarriage is really disorienting and painful no matter when you have it. The unexpected and often bloody ending of something you very much want is hard to grapple with. However, miscarriage, like anything else, gets easier with practice because you are prepared for it. You know how to protect yourself emotionally in early pregnancy and you know how to be prepared physically should it happen suddenly. My fourth miscarriage before I was a mom probably wasn’t as difficult as someone else’s first even with three kids.

That first one is horrible no matter when it happens, so cut the lady some slack. Her previous fertility luck doesn’t provide much protection that first time.

[Anonymous]

The emotional pain was no less for me. Please speak for yourself.

[Anonymous]

This business of minimalizing another person's loss because someone else has it "so much worse!" is very off putting.

"I'm heartbroken because my mom just died." "Really? How old are you?" "I'm 41." "Well, I had a friend who lost her mom when she was only 17."

It's not the pain Olympics. It's not a competition. The intense pain of losing a very much wanted baby is very real no matter who you are.

[Anonymous]

Why is it so awful to recognize that there are difficult degrees of pain? Losing a 5 year old is worse that losing a 5week pregnancy. It just is. Losing your mother when you are 7 is worse than losing your mother when you’re 70 and she’s 90. Maybe the situation OP is reacting too isn’t a good one, but it’s silly to say there aren’t different degrees of hurt and that people need to be mindful of saying their hurt is “the same” as someone else’s in a much more difficult situation

[Anonymous]

I had 3 miscarriages before being blessed with our son. This helped me with perspective and empathy while I was hurting.

https://www.scarymommy.com/when-you-friend-miscarries/

[Anonymous]

OP people are being mean as usual. I spent years in infertility getting pregnant about every 18 months then miscarriage. Total 6. It was bad. Still birth is awful (happened to a friend) but early MC when you already have 3 kids is not the same. There is a difference between not adding to your children and never being able to have them at all. No it’s not a competition but there are degrees. Sure everyone has the right to feel sad but that doesn’t make it the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of the pp's suck. Terrible responses. Of course you are right, because in addition to the loss itself, there is the fear of maybe never having a child.

I agree

No, OP sucks for being such a horrible person. Regardless of your personal pain, you DO NOT announce that the pain that others feel is less than yours. What response did she think she’d get? You suck too. I’ve never used this word before, but OP is a c¥nt.

OP didn't announce it. She vented it here. I agree that it is inappropriate to announce that someone else's pain is not as bad as someone else's. OP is correct, though. And no way do I believe this is the first time you've used that word; that this is the very worst thing you've ever heard that finally pushed you to use it, LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A vent in reaction to an insta post where a mom of 3 is implying her recent miscarriage is as painful as others regardless of her already having 3 kids. I lost my first pregnancy and have lost another after a live birth - they are not the same! Yes I can be sad for both children that “could have been” but the first defined whether or not I’d be a mother / have the experience of raising a child. I didn’t just lose a potential child, I lost a major life experience I really wanted.

If you already have a child and have a loss, yes of course that still hurts. But you’re still a mom! You still get the experience of raising children! It is painful but doesn’t fundamentally change the trajectory of your life!

Ok vent over. I know it’s not a competition for who hurts more, but this one gets me really worked up

OP I agree with you. It’s really not the same. I think that person is attention seeking. It’s very painful to me when I stub my toe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is it so awful to recognize that there are difficult degrees of pain? Losing a 5 year old is worse that losing a 5week pregnancy. It just is. Losing your mother when you are 7 is worse than losing your mother when you’re 70 and she’s 90. Maybe the situation OP is reacting too isn’t a good one, but it’s silly to say there aren’t different degrees of hurt and that people need to be mindful of saying their hurt is “the same” as someone else’s in a much more difficult situation

Different people will rank painful situations in different ways.

People who are currently in pain don't need you minimizing their pain.

As other PPs have said, this is not a contest. No decent, empathetic, tactful person is interested in participating in the Pain Olympics. This is Being a Decent Person 101.

Think this stuff to yourself all you want but don't voice it or yell at people about it on an anonymous message board. OP is out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of the pp's suck. Terrible responses. Of course you are right, because in addition to the loss itself, there is the fear of maybe never having a child.

I agree

No, OP sucks for being such a horrible person. Regardless of your personal pain, you DO NOT announce that the pain that others feel is less than yours. What response did she think she’d get? You suck too. I’ve never used this word before, but OP is a c¥nt.

OP didn't announce it. She vented it here. I agree that it is inappropriate to announce that someone else's pain is not as bad as someone else's. OP is correct, though. And no way do I believe this is the first time you've used that word; that this is the very worst thing you've ever heard that finally pushed you to use it, LOL.

DP. No, OP is not "right". Multiple PPs have discussed personal situations in which a miscarriage after already having a child was quite painful.

People like you and OP who think they get to tell other people how and to what degree they can feel need to just stop. Just stop. You are being insensitive and stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP people are being mean as usual. I spent years in infertility getting pregnant about every 18 months then miscarriage. Total 6. It was bad. Still birth is awful (happened to a friend) but early MC when you already have 3 kids is not the same. There is a difference between not adding to your children and never being able to have them at all. No it’s not a competition but there are degrees. Sure everyone has the right to feel sad but that doesn’t make it the same.

Some people feel with their hearts, not with their brains.

[Anonymous]

Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean everyone does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of the pp's suck. Terrible responses. Of course you are right, because in addition to the loss itself, there is the fear of maybe never having a child.

I agree

No, OP sucks for being such a horrible person. Regardless of your personal pain, you DO NOT announce that the pain that others feel is less than yours. What response did she think she’d get? You suck too. I’ve never used this word before, but OP is a c¥nt.

OP didn't announce it. She vented it here. I agree that it is inappropriate to announce that someone else's pain is not as bad as someone else's. OP is correct, though. And no way do I believe this is the first time you've used that word; that this is the very worst thing you've ever heard that finally pushed you to use it, LOL.

Yes it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well that's how you feel. Which has no reference to how others feel. So, you are wrong.

Stillborn mom who supports all types of loss and however they wish to categorize/grieve/process them!

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, most of the pp's suck. Terrible responses. Of course you are right, because in addition to the loss itself, there is the fear of maybe never having a child.

I agree

No, OP sucks for being such a horrible person. Regardless of your personal pain, you DO NOT announce that the pain that others feel is less than yours. What response did she think she’d get? You suck too. I’ve never used this word before, but OP is a c¥nt.

OP didn't announce it. She vented it here. I agree that it is inappropriate to announce that someone else's pain is not as bad as someone else's. OP is correct, though. And no way do I believe this is the first time you've used that word; that this is the very worst thing you've ever heard that finally pushed you to use it, LOL.

DP. No, OP is not "right". Multiple PPs have discussed personal situations in which a miscarriage after already having a child was quite painful.

People like you and OP who think they get to tell other people how and to what degree they can feel need to just stop. Just stop. You are being insensitive and stupid.

I would never tell anyone to what degree they can feel pain. And, yes, of course it's painful. A loss of a wanted pregnancy is always painful. But just like the person above explained, there are degrees of loss. How do you not see that? Are you a parent? What's worse, a miscarriage or losing one of your kids? If both are equally painful, then you would never be able to choose between the two. But guess what, that's an easy choice to make because obviously losing a child already born is worse than a miscarriage. Would I say that to a person having a miscarriage? OF COURSE NOT. But is it true? OF COURSE IT IS. How can you not acknowledge that?